HELP my body has been taken over by an Very Angry Feminist

[Chandon]

Not sure where to post this.

I have no idea what is going on or where it is coming from, but I feel so ANGRY.

I want to shout and throw things, I feel I have been emotionally sucked dry by the men in my life (H and 2 sons) who are so NEEDY in their own non relenting way. DH job is crap and he has been unhappy for a while, making little remarks about my cosy SAHM life... My oldest DC has all kinds of trouble at school, my youngest is just needy and has waves of extreme separation anxiety.

I seem to have reached a stage where I feel F·CKING ANGRY and tired and FED UP.

I am tired of making everything ok for everyone, for keeping the home harmonious.

I suddenly have realised that I am a Big Fat Fool with my effing cupcakes, being so helpful in the PTA,stupid committees etc. and looking after my family and NOBODY ever asks how I am.

Or if I actually LIKE being at home, instead of working. I was "happy" to take on this role, as it is best for the family. Shame it is not the best for ME, after all. I could cry thinking I have a brilliant degree and here I am, a f·ckwit queen of cupcakes.

Sorry about all the shouting, I have been feeling so angry all week, and am on verge of stupid tears...

Has anyone else ever reached the stage of suddenly having had enough? And what did you do????

Gosh, poor you. Did you work before children? Could you go back to it? What's caused your sudden rage? (or has it been brewing a while?)

Erm, I did.

And I dealt with it in the worst possible way - don't want to go into details here.

You at least are aware of what the issues are - I was just in a red fog of rage and wasn't sure why.

Now the storm has passed and I have started doing things for myself - have embarked on an MA (I'm avoiding my first essay right now, actually!) and volunteering at a local school with a view to returning to my career. Feel a lot better for it, too.

You need to talk to your family about how you are feeling, and change your behaviour -because sadly, you can't change theirs. Stop rescuing them, stop baking cupcakes and look for a job outside the home, if that's what you want.

It is important that you are happy, you exist too, and you have needs.

And I bet you are a brilliant mum...but a brilliant lots of other things, too. Have a go at doing some other stuff too

do you like making the cupcakes? just a thought but theres a little business opportunity right there.

If the answer is no, then stop making them immediately and say NO if anyone asks for them.

Then say No to the committees, give any old excuse, pass the buck/someone needs you elsewhere.

Don't fill your extra time you create doing something else for someone else use it to sit back and think for a bit.

What would you like to do?

Bit of boundry resetting needed regarding rest of household and their expectations by the sounds of it

thanks.

The bit that worries me is that I have no idea where this comes from, I think I have just reached my limit, I seem to spend my days doing things for others, or worrying whether everyone is o.k.

Everyone always asks me how poor DH is doing in his "terible"r job, or poor DS1 with his SEN and issues.

The men in the family never ask or seem to care how I feel about things.

The school and PTA have asked me to do effing cupcakes for this week`s bake sale, and I am also driving to sports day in a bit.

Need to get a life of my own really.

The only reason I know you're not me is because I have a job, albeit one I loath and detest for its mind-numbing monotony. But otherwise, I can relate to your post completely.

Find something you can do for yourself. I found that being a SAHM I spent a lot of time with my own thoughts, dwelling on things, resenting things, just generally a little overwhelmed by questions of who I was etc. Then I enrolled in an evening class, and everything changed. It felt so good to have time to myself (just being able to listen to music on my way there), be treated as an adult, no demands being made of me, having my brain challenged, going into town rather than just home-park-playgroup.

After a week or two I noticed I was no longer feeling angry towards DH for having his own life, ie just that he got to go to work every day. I also saw the SAHM bits differently too - I felt more like me and less like a maid/cook/nanny.

I guess it's all about balance, and not getting lost in your role - when you work you have somewhere else to go, but if you are at home there is no separate space.

So I'd say: get a job, or do a course, or join a gym. Something like that, where you have a space (mental as well as physical) that is yours, not your family's.

And step away from the PTA - it isn't making you feel any better and is just like an extension of your family demands on you at the moment.

Don't ya just love PTA - I run me own business so have always steered well clear. Who foots the bill for the ingredients/gas/electric etc ?

I'd bin the baking trays if I were you

Woman, I hear you. I can see why you're so angry - it's not easy being side-lined and ignored, especially if you're giving so much of yourself for others, with little evident appreciation. Agree with the comments on stopping baking fecking cupcakes, and do something for YOU, even if it's just starting a pottery class, and go from there.

I'm in a milder version of your situation (no DCs), but DP's in a rubbish job so I've taken over all the household-y stuff. Fortunately he's (finally, after months and months of moaning but not getting around to doing anything) interviewing and in the last stages of being considered for a new job, so hopefully shortly it will look up. Then I will be able to stop myself from saying "you need a new job as I'm so sick of you whinging!" It also doesn't help that he frequently says how easy it is for me, with my nice easy job (admittedly, it is at the moment but I recently changed from Job From Hell, so I feel I deserve it), not working long hours blah blah blah. I just ignore him and put it down to blardy men's egos - on Sunday I had to listen to him and his friend doing competitive whinging "my job is so hard, I work such long hours and am paid NOTHING, NOTHING I tell you" "well, I work longer hours than you and am paid less and my boss is evil" blah blah blah for two hours. I again just managed to stop myself from saying "well, I work like, 9-6, my boss is fab and I'm paid more than both of you. Oh, is that not what we were trying to achieve here?"

Is your DH doing anything to try and improve his job situation?

Omicron, your post makes 100 percent sense.

I have been asked to contribute cupcakes TWICE this week (PTA and kids activity), and I think Dogfish is right.

There is something so twee about being a cupcake mum that makes me filled with rage somehow. I have a cool friend who just dropped in a bag of penguins that was already opened.

Anyway, off to be the driver-help for sports day....I am just a sucker, that`s what makes me cross.

Start using sentenses that begin with "I"

So

Are you making cupcakes for the bakesale? "I don't make cupcakes any more, I was getting very bored with them."

Will you be helping the PTA ? "I don't think so. As you know, I have to work very hard to support my family at the minutes and I don't really think I have any spare time for other causes."

have you ironed my blue shirt/pink tie/red uniform? "I haven't and I don't know where it is."

What are you doing later, only I feel like going out with XYZ from work? "I already have plans to go to my evening class"

If it makes you feel better, Penguin Cool Mum is me - it's exactly the sort of thing I do. for the harvest festival I send in some Morrison's value peach slices and some chestnuts I found on the way to school.

Then I go home and angst about how unhelpful I've been.

Chandon hugs, your post is me in so many ways, esp. with teh SEN (have two asd kids which complicates everything from a bath to working). I am doing a PT MA but have to base it from home for the term at least due to DH's schedule.

I'd sayn decide one thing that would pick you up and just do it; a course, whatever.

chandon yes have felt exactly like you - you've reached the end of your rope. You need some time away from the DCs and possibly your DH. Can you get a weekend away? Or even just 24 hours?

That's the first thing.

Also sounds like maybe you need something outside of being a SAHM and the PTA.

I've felt like this but not for exactly the same reasons as you - and unfortunately it left me very receptive to the attentions of another man... Not saying this will happen to you of course; but you need to tackle this.

Sympathy and hugs to you.

My mum had counselling last year, the thing that struck her the most from it all was that she discovered she'd spent years saying yes to everyone else and ignoring her own needs. I'm so proud of the moments now when I can see her being a little selfish! And I wouldn't have called her a doormat before, just very caring.

It is so important to have a balance, to be your own person with a well-developed sense of who you are in the world, before you start giving, I think (and I am very much a yes-person myself). Very good idea colditz, to say 'I'.

"Has anyone else ever reached the stage of suddenly having had enough? And what did you do????"

Um yes and I ranted and raved to DH and he made a vague comment about "why don't you ring [babysitter] and we can go out?" and that was about it. I didn't. I'd have gone out if he'd rung the fecking babysitter. He is very stressed at work at the moment so it's not fair of me to moan at him too much.

Since then things are more or less back to normal. I am bored shitless and sick of being everyone's skivvy but any job I can get that fits in with school hours doesn't pay enough to cover childcare.

'tis difficult. No decent advice, sorry but I sympathise.

Also if you can ever get it, a night out - with other mums, with old friends, with your DH - helps too.

Great post dogfish. Good boy!
I agree about the job comment. Most of the people I have worked with fantasise about winning the lottery and never having to work again.

I have mostly been a working mom interspersed with periods of being a SAHM.
IMO neither state will make you happy in and of itself. I have both loved and hated my job at various time, similarly with the periods of being at home.
Lots of good advice here - getting time for yourself is the key. Do a course or volunteer but make sure it's something that YOU want to do.

I personally love cupcakes but couldn't be aresd making them myself. That's why God created the Sainsbury bakery department.

I would recommend getting a p/t job where your DP/DH can take care of the dcs in the evening or at the weekend.

This means that you don't have to pay for childcare and also that your dp/dh gets a taste of what it's like to be at home wth them and how tying that can be.

This gives you a chance to get away from being Mummy too; it will give you confidence and some money of your own.

I hope you feel better from just venting a bit, but I think a change in your lifestyle is called for.

Tell the pta where to stick the cupcakes

Sounds like you need a little break and some thinking time to sort a few things out.

Can you take yourself off for a small holiday or short break hiking up some hills, sitting by the sea or at a spa or something? This might give you time to think about how to get the balance adjusted in your life.

Let all these boys take care of themselves, there is nothing worse than being unappreciated!

Let them know you're off for a week and let them know why - sounds like you need to spend some time being good to yourself x

thanks everyone.

Coldiz, I think you are right, good idea. I just somehow feel that as SAHM I cannot say "no" and end up doing silly jobs like cup cakes, sports day helper, reading in the school, helping with harvest festival etc etc, without really wanting to do that. I just feel ought to. I am happy to help from time to time, but feel they count on me a bit too much.

Mabelmay, I never meet men, my world exists of kids, tots and their MUMS. I did think the other day that if a man, any man, would just smile at me and say "I think youre great"...thatd be all it would take! Just a bit of recognition...

Dogfish, I know that "careers" are mostly jobs no-one would do if they did not get paid.

Then again, I am now even thinking that stacking shelves would be a good idea.

I think I have a lot of energy, and need to find something productive to occupy myself. I feel a bit embarrassed by not working out of the home (protestant work ethic)as I have a degree. And also a bit underappreciated for what I do do in the home.

I just need to make some changes, I hate people who just moan and do nothing. I need to think hard and make a plan. Thanks for some good suggestions!

Now is a good time of year to get a seasonal job, you could 'fill up' at M&S or something.

I've done it, you get to see all the new christmas stock; which I enjoyed and there used to be a staff shop and discount.

The fact it's only 'til January stops you getting that "what a waste of a good education" feeling.

Have you friends? Do you see them regularly for a night out ?(by yourself I mean, not as a couple) That really helps me feel like ME again and not the chief cook and bloody bottle washer.