At my age isn't this fair enough?

[Kally]

I was married for 26 years. Been single now since 2004.

Had a couple of relationships, nothing deep and overwhelming.

Then about 3 summers ago I met a lovely man (a bit younger than me) single with a small child, working - had various life responsibilities etc. We'd meet every couple of weeks (he always came to mine). No, he's not married or living a separate life.

Things got a bit far and few between and I broke it off because it was doing my head in basically. I wanted a bit more availability and altho he wanted to oblige he couldn't work it. We split up for a whole year but kept in touch just chatting and keeping in the loop about our kids etc.

I met another man, totally different nature, far more available and eager and we dated for about a year or so. I met up with him when he was out of work (between contracts) but when he did start a job, he was preoccupied (natural) not so eager and I felt like the 'rainy day girl' again. I was disgruntled and finished with him (in a nice way) I don't do well with bad endings and explained my view on it.
Decided to be on my own for a while.

The first boyfriend wanted to come over and see me and catch up etc but I thought better we meet somewhere neutral and have a drink together. That's what we did and when I saw him I felt weak to the point where I had to go round a corner and gather myself together. Anyway, the evening was nice and we ended up parting on our different trains, him almost in tears and me shaken at my own feelings for him.
Seems simple enough right? But he's always tied up with one thing and another. He came to see me the following weekend and it was lovely but I know he works two jobs and as usual - three months down the road we are back to scant visits and but what I call, 'keeping his oar in' type phone calls.

This is fine by me. I don't want marriage, I don't want to live with a guy, I want a nice friend that I can go out with once and a while and have a good time with. I don't want promises and heavy duty commitment.

I had arranged to go and see the other man this weekend and we go out round London etc and I have all that in place with my daughter sorted with her older sister etc.

Now first boyfriend called to say he wants to come over and go straight back to his second job on Friday morning.

So what right? I can handle this ok, as I only ever see them roughly once a month anyway, my job, my daughter, my life here. That is all I want. Are there any hard fast rules, I say 'No', there are'nt. At my age I am entitled to be with whom I want and owe no-one nothing.

Having been in a hard 26 year marriage has made me phobic ad I don't want to get tetched up and yet because I like both these men for different reason I feel like I am up to no good by still seeing both of them. They both live far away from one another and far enough from me. It sounds callous but at my age (closer to 54)can't I do what I want as long as no one is coming off short?

First boyfriend obviously can't do more than he is, (and I don't want) and other man is just purely good company and we have similar interests and enjoy our escapades.

I am not about to uproot and expect to go live with, change my job location and daughter school, no way, no way. But why do I feel guilty having this sort of situation?

I have guilt pangs.

[miniwedge]

As long as;
a) you have not specifically told either man you are exclusively seeing them and
b) you are being sexually responsible and getting regular checks as well as using condoms

then i don't see a problem.

[madonnawhore]

Sounds like the kind if problem I'd like.

If all involved are on the understanding that it's not officially exclusive then you're free to do as you please as far as I can see.

[BenHer]

At your age you are entitled to just get on with it and enjoy yourself.

If anything I'm surprised you've only got two on the go.Fill ya boots!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Kally didn't you post about one of these blokes on here ages ago? Seem to remember you felt like you were being messed around a bit.

If you are clear with them both that it's nothing exclusive and use condoms etc then I really can't see a problem - have fun! :)

[Kally]

Yes, I did.

That is my point, I was confused about what THEY wanted out of the relationship and it differed from what they were 'saying' as to what they were showing me.

Both want exclusiv'ity (is there such a word?) (what man doesn't) but neither actually brass tacks shows it.

So I have decided that with neither can I be emotionally dependant, but just enjoys the benefits of having two men who with both I enjoy their company on a surface level.

I have asked myself what if they see other women, in between, both say they don't, but to be honest I have never asked either of them, I don't think it is good to have to start asking those questions anyway.

Probably the second man (who has a bigger social life) (more interests outside of work) wouldn't ever admit to it, where as the first man said he couldn't look for another woman even tho we were apart and he knew I had moved on with another person. (You're probably thinking 'yeah right',) but I never asked anyway.

I don't think either men would accept I was seeing another, Men don't do they? Most people don't. I will probably have to discuss this with both. Which I don't think will go down very well. But, well, I am no good at cloak and dagger stuff and it all just happened to be this way out of me being still in touch with both (in a scant sort of way) because they were both close to me and we finished without fights and bad feelings etc.

[madonnawhore]

If they're having their cakes and eating them, I don't see why you shouldn't too.

[Kally]

Yesssss...Madonna, exactly my point. Thank you. Everyone likes cake don't they. Just so happens most of my life I have been the only one serving it up and I now feel slightly guilty about digging into some too.

[AnyFucker]

I think I said this on your previous threads

couldn't you just kick them both into touch and find

a) a man emotionally-available to you, and

b) a man geographically-available to you

I think you are having this continuing angst because the "fit" isn't right with either of these ok but not great men

at your age (and mine, and anybody's)...ok just isn't good enough

You don't seem to have any problems finding a new bloke, so keep casting your net

[madonnawhore]

AF has a point though. It's all fine if you're happy to keep it casual, but if what you'd really like is something committed and lasting, then I'd give both these guys the flick and free yourself up to meet somebody who wants that too.

If not, then as someone said above: fill ya boots and enjoy.

[Kally]

No, both fit fine. I just can't be doing with too much depth and so must subconsciously deliberately make myself have this lack of availability as well.

I know this at my age. It's not all their fault. I don't think I could change at this stage and if I imagine having one of the type of boyfriends/partners my friends have, well, I just love my space and doing my own thing. I don't know how they do it (my friends, that is) I really don't think I am capable of that. (Too injured maybe). But hey, that is me and I am quite at ease with myself, flaws and all.

I don't think I am capable of having a proper relationship (in terms of what is proper by normal standards). I am not beating myself up over this. I figure I am doing pretty good really and am proud of myself really. But really I have always been the nice guy who gets shit on and here at last I feel bad about the present situation when both get a nice part of me, and I am a nice person, really.

[AnyFucker]

MW, I admit I may be extrapolating some of the points kally raised on her previous threads

it seems the problems are the same though....kally are you sure you are not just trying to talk yourself into accepting either/both of these rather unsatisfying relationships ?

from what I remember, both these men have been a bit crap in the past, so what has changed ??

[Kally]

Too many really's there, really sorry.

[AnyFucker]

we x-posted kally

ok, so you are changing, yes ?

[Kally]

I suppose I have become even more detached and find it quite safer maybe. I haven't analysed this, apart from now. But since I kicked both of them away and then re established them back on my own privately new terms (emotionally disciplined and accepting the fact that maybe I too don't want too much attachment)I find it much easier. I wonder if any one else has felt like this. I must have got hardened up or something. Shame no?

[AnyFucker]

well, I think it is a shame, personally

because they have been quite crap in the past, and if the new-found-you is just going to shrug her shoulders and "remain detached", that would be a pity

"emotionally-disciplined" can just mean you react less to bad treatmentand that is not necessarily a good thing

isn't passion (without being a pushover, all of us still need that core of "hardness") a good thing ?

[higgle]

Keep seeing both of them, but look for something better too! you only live once!

[Kally]

Oh I have passion for both of them. But either it's my age (probably pre-menopausal by now I think)but by now I don't get all tied up in knots for them (ha ha ha) and I really DO love not having them around too much. Just been really poorly for two weeks with this flu (cold sores and blocked sinuses and horrible cough) and to be honest I could just about cope with their concerned phone calls let alone the thought of seeing them .

I don't know if I'd know 'something better' if it slapped me in the face. Probably left over's from poor marriage. Your thoughts get a bit blurred about what is right and what is wrong for you especially when you split up in late forties after so many years when you should have got out yonks before and didn't. Ah well.

[AnyFucker]

just keep on going then, see what turns up

you may not be comfortable with lying to them though...if one or both would not be happy with a non-exclusive relationship

[LadyLapsang]

Sounds like all three of you are seeing other people - ok if that's what you want. If not, maybe you should think about counselling to consider why you seem to pick men that are unavailable.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Threre's nothing at all wrong with what you're doing! Something mildly wrong with the way you're feeling about it, though - it does rather sound as if you would prefer to be in the sort of relationship that becomes exclusive. Maybe give this a little more thought; a counsellor might be able to help you clarify your feelings? Meanwhile, I say enjoy the weekend - and give yourself a high five

[AnyFucker]

gawd, no

there is nothing wrong with any of it!

Op mustn't be entirely happy about it though, otherwise why post (repeatedly) ?

[Kally]

I suppose because it's the only real confusion I have. I can get on with other things and know how I feel about them. (This one gives me a guilty feeling).. but less now I have some agreement from others.