What do you do when no one in your family really knows who you are?

[fuschiagroan]

That's it, really.

I am an only child and have never been emotionally close to either of my parents. My father is a typical man and my mother is very difficult, and also matches several of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. She went through many crazes or phases which she eventually got bored with, and I feel like I was one of them. They got divorced when I was 10 and became even less interested in me. I lived between their two houses but had no proper routine, so was always getting in trouble at school for forgetting my things (which were left at the other house) and wasn't regarded as clever at school until I magically pulled it together in the upper sixth and got into a great university.

Some of the things my parents have no idea about include:

• depression since the age of 15
  
• anxiety attacks since the age of 14 (I didn't know what they were and thought it was the symptom of some awful illness until I read an article about them in a Sunday paper a year later.
  
• eating disorders. They just think I am naturally very slim. My mother is pleased that I didn't 'stuff myself on junk' like most teenage girls.
  
• my last relationship which lasted two years with someone much older and with whom, despite the relationship ending due to physical violence, I am still very emotionally attached to and talk to regularly (because he's the only person who has ever told me/shown me he loves me).
  
  Honestly, they have no idea about any of this. It was easy to keep my last relationship a secret from them because I have never invested much emotionally in them before. It was no effort at all, and didn't even feel like keeping a secret.
  
  I never told them about any of my mental problems because I assumed they would think I was attention seeking or stupid. Unfortunately, I still really believe this is true.
  
  As a result, they know nothing about me.
  
  But now I'm thinking, maybe I should make some effort to become closer to them. Most of my friends have great relationships with their parents, and see them as being completely unconditional and a security that's always there. I really miss that, and the lack of it has really messed up my ability to form relationships (romantic ones anyway - I am lucky to have lots of friends). I am exclusively attracted to father-figure type men, which tends to give them a disproportionate amount of emotional power over me (see above). I feel like I am 'broken' in some way and that men will see this and not want to have a family with me.
  
  I think that maybe if I can achieve a better relationship with my parents then these things could improve. But broaching it with them is just impossible. Neither of them can take criticism AT ALL, and they will see it as criticism and I will be the bad person. They will just say 'But we've given you everything' (meaning money, which is true, but that's all they've given me).
  
  I would not care if either of them died, which makes me a bad person I suppose.

[buttonmoon78]

No it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a product of their selfish mistakes.

I don't think that fixing your relationship with your parents would be that beneficial TBH. They have not been interested in the past so why would they now? That could make your low self esteem even worse, if you were rebuffed.

I think you could do with seeing a counsellor.

[nemofish]

NO it doesn't make you a bad person at all!

And - are you me?!

A relatinship is a two way thing, it takes both parties / sides to make the effort, to care for one another, to empathise, and it is obvious that neither of your parents is remotely capable of doing this.

Feel free to try, but get ready for a huge and crushing disappointment when it doesn't work out. OR it will be a 'better' relationship where they attempt to control you / live life through you.

I would keep on walking and not look back if I were you.

It sounds like you are grieving for what could have / should have been, I have to admit it still hurts when I see children with their loving grannies / granddads, knowing my dd will never experience that. But I know that my mother has Narcissitic Personality disorder, so wouldn't be a 'normal' loving granny anyway, and my stepdad would be a physical risk to her. But yes I still feel a bit sorry for myself sometimes, but that's ok.

Have you had counselling?

[ZZZenAgain]

can you see anything good about either of them?

I think you would need to do that to have abasis for improving the relationship

[Warbride]

I don't have a close relationship with either of my parents for various reasons. I am however married and have a child. These are the people I consider to be my family.

My dh has had the same sort of experience as me and I guess we have turned to eachother for the things we never got as youngsters.

I would personally try and take some time out for yourself and be a bit selfish for a while. Get to know you spoil yourself and eventually you will find someone who you can begin to build a life with.

I don't think parents can ever change, I speak from experience of my own parents and my DH's too.

Not everybody has a great relationship with their parents, this is through no fault of your though.

[quiddity]

Fuschiagroan, the fact that you are aware of your issues makes it easier to address themnot that I am saying it's easyyou may well need professional help, in fact, because it's so hard. But knowing what the problem is is the first step in fixing it.
I agree with buttonmoon--if your parents have never given you the kind of love and support that you needed, they're not going to start now.
Those of us who have had the kind of upbringing you had don't know what normal is, so we don't know exactly what we're missing out on or how that lack has affected us, even if we know something isn't right.
It might be helpful to you to read the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, which will help you understand more about parents like yours and the kind of damage they do to their children.
It sounds as though you're still quite young, which is a huge advantage in getting to grips with your issues and sorting them out.
Good luck on your journey.

[fuschiagroan]

I had counselling for all five years at university, because it was free there. So that's why I have some perspective on it. But it hasn't really helped fix anything. It's the effect on my relationships which worries me. I pick the wrong people, and either treat them badly or let them treat me badly. I can also be quite selfish, because I've always had to look out for myself (I do care for other people as well, and am not selfish day-to-day - in fact I'm quite generous - but sometimes I think 'fuck it, no one cared for me, why should I care for anyone else?')

[Anniegetyourgun]

I worry a little that you describe your dad as "a typical man"... do you really think that it is a standard man-thing to care so little about their daughters?

When you see your friends getting on so well with their parents, that's because they have parents who are grounded somewhere on or near Planet Earth, and who are there for their children because they love them and because it's the decent thing to do. Some people unfortunately have the biological capability to become parents but not the emotional equipment to do it properly, and unfortunately yours seem to be like that. However you behave towards them they will simply never become like your friends' parents, because they cannot. It's shit how this happens (and the converse, lovely people who are just born to be parents but who aren't fertile). Nature sucks sometimes.

Agree with those who say, seek counselling for yourself, and be fussy about it too. One who sees it as their job to get you back together with your family would do more harm than good. It is more likely that you would be able to get closer to your parents only after you have worked on the problems they have caused, so that you're strong enough to deal with them. Maybe you can pity them for what they are missing, but look after yourself first, because you really do deserve it.

[long]

listen, i am completelty like you, except maybe worse. I have a relationshit(thats no typo) and kids who think I hate them. I cannot connect with anybody, i never see anyone in my wider family at all. I can't be bothered with other people. I am an only child, parents split when i was 2, dad was much older and educated white(cambridge grad) mum teenager in a childrens home (black). Look, i am playing with the idea of GROUP therapy. Sitting one to one with a counsellor is shit, you can control and play the session anyway u want.I imagine(because i haven't done it yet) group therapy is better for people who disconnect.

[fuschiagroan]

Annie, it's not that I think he doesn't care but he is rubbish at showing it or talking about it. I think he has tried to show it by paying for everything, but at the same time never stands up for me against anyone or says anything nice about me to my face.

I feel that because I've never brought these things up with them if I do it will now they will say 'but you never said anything' when I'm thinking 'yes, but you should have known'. Is that unreasonable?

[garageflower]

Fuschia - I think it would be a good thing for you to tell them everything you are feeling, even if you don't get the response you want, and prepare yourself for that response.

I feel very sad for you that you have gone through so much and don't think it is your responsibility to fix the relationships but I would say that one day, they won't be around and you don't want to live with all the things you didn't say.

I don't have a relationship with my father for a very big and upsetting reason but I do, from time to time, text him just to say hello. When he dies, it will be very difficult for me to even go to his funeral but at least I know that I have said all I can say to him and won't regret not having done so when it's too late.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Fuschia I suspect you have grown enormously as a person since you last had counselling - and the free therapy available at university, might also not have been the best.

Congratulations for ending that abusive relationship, but I would implore you to challenge some of the beliefs and attitudes you have developed over the years. I think they are inhibiting you from being truly happy and setting yourself high standards in your personal relationships.

It is clear that because of the way you were parented, you have very low expectations of others and although I am sure you're not selfish, you have identified that there is an"everyone for themselves" attitude about you, which might be colouring the way you behave towards others too. Often when people have these beliefs, it means that they let themselves off the hook for pretty shitty behaviour.

Think about some more targeted therapy this time and use this safe space to discuss whether you should confront your parents. A therapist will be able to help you prepare for the possibility of more rejection and attempts to invalidate your feelings.

Your parents might never accept their failings, but to let them blight your choices and expectations any longer would be a tragedy. I agree you've got to do something because they are still shaping your views and choices.

My happiest vision for you is that since you want DCs and a monogamous relationship, you get some great therapy, you tell your parents how you feel, you have the confidence to rebut any denial of your feelings, you get a genuine apology and an admission of their failings, you meet a fantastic bloke of your own or similar age, you have extremely high expectations of his love and fidelity - and you both have realistic expectations of a sex life after DCs (!)

And all along the way, you develop your character and personality so that you have high standards - of others and yourself - about how you want to be treated and how you will treat others.

Now some or all of that could happen, but not without change. If you've ended an abusive relationship, you've got bravery in spades, so make another step to get your head sorted out.

[IseeGraceAhead]

Long, your post is amazing. Congrats on having gained that level of self-knowledge without much help. I hope you find a decent group (and let me know!) - I trounced all over mine until I figured out it would be a good idea to TELL my counsellors I'm prone to saying the right thing ... funnily enough, I started getting fixed after I got honest!

Fuschia, do seek more counselling and/or start working through some self-help psychotherapy books (not feel-good/quick-fix ones). Tell your parents about yoursself if you want to, but don't expect them to miraculously change character - they won't. You drew a short straw, parent-wise, and your challenge is not to change them but to gain the inner security enjoyed by people who were luckier by birth. There's a lot of relevant advice in these forums.
Good luck :)

[fuschiagroan]

WWIFN, what do you think is an acceptable age gap? I seem to be attracted to those 25+ years older, which isn't going to do me any favours. I am still in a lot of contact with my ex, he accepted it was OK to split up because of the age gap (I also moved for work) but claims to still love me hugely and want to marry me, as well as seeing himself in quite a parental 'looking-after' sort of way. In the past month I have slapped down (figuratively, not literally) three offers of going out from guys a similar age.

[nemofish]

Ha! I also have a thing for looking for Daddy older men, but fortunately the bloke I married (12 years my senior) is lovely. And doesn't parent me.

It's not the age gap that's important, it's whether you can truly be in an equal partnership with that person.

It would appear that we have quite a bit in common, fuschiagroan, I have had 1 years worth of counselling about 2 years ago, I have just started college so I will be availing myself of what counselling I can get.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

So are you saying Fuschia that you told him you were ending it because of the age gap and the work move - and not the physical violence?

[fuschiagroan]

Yes. So not that brave, really. If I had said it was about the violence, he would have just argued that it wasn't violence etc. and refused to let go.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Neither of my parents has a clue who I am. My mum has a very fixed idea of who she would like me to be, and so whenever she comes across any part of me that doesn't fit her image of her ideal daughter, she sort of sticks her fingers in her ears and goes "lalalalalalalala". There are loads of things we can never talk about, so our relationship, while amicable enough, is very shallow.

As for my dad, he's just completely disinterested, full stop. He walked out on us when I was 15, and we haven't had much contact since. I still see him, but only because of my 97yo grandmother (his mother), who I adore. Once she passes on, I expect all contact with my dad will end. As much from my side as from his.

My parents moved us to South Africa when I was 7, so I don't know my extended family at all.

And my brother is a total recluse.

Some people just have crap relationships with their families. I'm sad about it, but it's not likely to change now. All we can do is make the best of our friendships, the people who really do care about us, and who we really care about. And of course make sure we have a better relationship with our own children.