Anyone seen This Is England, re: families reaction to abuse?

[nemofish]

It made me think.

Do families often ignore / blame the victim / scapegoat?

Lol's storyline has made me feel not alone, the way her family has closed ranks to make her the outsider, the difficult one, the one who is overreacting, the one who is 'mad.'

I genuinely blamed myself for so long... My stepdad 'tried it on,' I complained about it and was manipulated into being the mad / bad one.

Obviously I have had drug and mental health problems as a teenager / in my twenties and this just confirms the idea for my mother / family that I am remembering it all wrong, I am a crazed drug addict who's got it all wrong. My stepdad was an alcoholic so I don't know what he remembers doing / saying.

I feel a bit less 'evil stepdaughter' now...

Just wanted to vent, don't know what the point is of posting really

[dizietsma]

Haven't seen the show, but yes it is a very common reaction. I was also family scapegoat for being the one to speak the evils of our family. Much hugs to you, fellow black sheep

[nemofish]

Thanks, dizietsma.

People never cease to amaze me, in both good and bad ways.

My stepdad was very vocal on the subject of, as he put it, 'kiddies fiddlers' and firmly believed they should be castrated.

[msboogie]

was he nemofish?


A bit like those homophobic "gaybashers" like to go out of their way to prove how "straight" they are...

[nemofish]

Absolutely, msboogie.

And my mother used to be a paediatric nurse.

She hates children!

[Dione]

I think that this was so common in the past, and perhaps still is. Children and their wellbeing seemed not to be considered important.

I hope that this is changing.

[BopTheAlien]

Hi nemo, just another one here who wants to confirm that yes, this is very normal/common. I was always cast as the mad/bad one too, because I tried to bring up the issues no one else wanted to acknowledge, and I think this sort of reaction is very, very widespread.

I totally hear what you're saying about being further invalidated because you had mental health/drug problems afterwards. I had a horrendously unstable lifestyle for a long time as a result of what they did to me, and of course that was great for them because they could just dismiss me as a total flake who didn't merit any credence.

Although even now I'm happily married and a mum and living a supremely "normal" life in many ways, they still don't take me seriously, and never will! I eventually stopped trying to make them see my point of view and gave up on them altogether, and the result is a life that is worth living, however painful it can still be.

I didn't see the programme but am glad you brought it up. It's always good to be reminded that other people are in a similar position.

[squashimodo]

Another one here. I am the rejected black sheep whose name is never to be mentioned.
Don't give a damn anymore..

[Megancleo]

Another black sheep here reporting in from Germany. No idea what programme your talking about but it all rings true and that was my reasons for going abroad 25 years ago and then spending 22 years in a lousy marriage. Since last year I'm finally single and free with 3dc and have accepted that I'm alone in germany-some things in UK or just my family I don't accept and understand...my life, my dc lives is better here.

[IseeGraceAhead]

Haven't seen the show but I recognise the storyline! I am a drug addict, "unsettled" with mental illness, alcoholism and just need a good man
Mind you, a lot of that's true to an extent. Unlike my family, though, I know they're the reason!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Just to add i lived most of my life til last year believing "They " were all right and i was an unstable nut case,they kept telling me i was ,no wonder i believed them .After the first session with my counsellor last September he said i been brought up in a dysfunctional family and then went into a dysfunctional marriage ,wasnt that complicated to be honest.I dont need to question myself anymore but i can recognise when their behaviour starts now and jump out .It has given me the confidence to love myself again and continue with my thoughts and beliefs without having to analyse other peoples reactions over and over .I am a free spirit i always have been and i think that makes people question themselves and try and clip my wings ,but i fly free now dont need to dwell on my past just know there are purer times ahead ,when i think of the emotional pain i felt b4 it is quite overwhelming but they never had the right to tell me i was doing it wrong ,they should have supported me and encoraged my light to burn brightly ,the more insecure they are the more they will try and put your light out .But i will always shine ,they won't ever stop me again!

[nemofish]

Blimey! Nice to know that I am not the only drug addled nutcase out there

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

PMSL Nemo !!!

[IseeGraceAhead]

You fire up the bong while I pour the gin. Then we'll all have a lovely breakdown.
Dunno how they put up with us, do you?

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Its a lovely feeling knowing its not your fault anymore ,its not arrogant its just confident that who you are is good enough and we can grow and develop on our own journey ,we don't have to be what they tell us to be anymore x

[QueenofWhatever]

nemofish, I know we have similar stories and I had the same reaction watching that episode. Great programme BTW.

Yes and yes. Earlier this year I e-mailed my sister to say I didn't want to see my Dad or for him to see my DD, because he sexually abused me as a child. I am now a fantasist in need of psychiatric help. I literally only said that one thing, no details yet had this vehement reaction.

I was on a work's night out on Friday, lots of alcohol. I work in the health service, so virutally no subject is taboo so we got talking about it. The two I was talking to said straight away 'well, she's jealous because she thinks why not me?'. And I think there is some truth in that, they can have a strong need to scapegoat us.

I also thought the bit about the cute young guy taking a beating from his Dad to protect his Mum and sister was very powerful as well. Should still be on 4OD for those of you who haven't seen it.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Although i wasnt sexually abused ,i was hit right thru til i left home at 16yo ,my father grabbing me round the neck was still happening in my 30s FFS!I think my biggest thing now is protecting myself and dcs from this kind of male aggression ,my kids were 3 and 4 when their dad left[alcohol problems and dv,he still says it is my fault ,still in denial of his troubles] ,they will always know it is wrong to be violent ,they will always be brought up with love and peace.Going to WA counselling tomorrow for the first time .