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Can I get things back on track? (Warning: long story)

23 replies

NotVeryClever · 16/09/2010 10:05

I know I'm going to get a flaming, but I'm looking for some genuine advice here, I really want things to be how they used to be, so here goes. I'm afraid it's quite long, so feel free to abandon the thread.

Backstory
Met a boy in freshers week at uni, he was the one, made me laugh, best mate, fancied the pants off him, butterflies etc etc. Had a long term relationship with him but as we got older, it became clear that we wanted quite different things, ie. I wanted to get married and have babies, he didn't. I found his reluctance to commit very difficult to deal with, even though he was so perfect, a really good man in every other way. So after 10 years, I made the very painful decision to call it a day. The break up had a very long lead in, and the fact that I started developing a crush on someone at work, who I will call X, triggered warning bells. I didn't finish it for the guy I had the crush on, it was headed that way anyway.

Of course, I became single, ended up in the pub spending a lot of time with my crush and we ended up getting involved with one another. It was quite intense - particularly as we worked together, socialised together and spent every night together. We had loads in common intellectually, in addition, lots of common ground re: our families, loved getting hammered together (well, who wouldn't?) and a very strong physical attraction (isn't it always?). However, it was shortlived as he met someone else and that was that. I was absolutely gutted but took it as a sign that it just wasn't meant to be.

Throughout this time, my university boyfriend had made repeated declarations of wanting to be with me etc and continued these and after a few months, we got back together, got engaged and he became my DH.

Throughout my engagement, I kept as much distance from X as possible. I ended up in a different department for half the week, which eased things slightly and avoided work socials and his girlfriend insisted he keep his distance from me too. On the few times I did go on a work social, he would try it on, and I would tell him that he could take a running jump as a) It was history and b) I was getting married. I have to be honest and say that walking away from these situations was difficult for me, but I did always manage it. Occasionally, I would get a text saying that I was the one that got away etc and that he missed me, but this was usually post row with the girlfriend, and I would always ignore it.

I went off to get married in November, and things were left quite nicely actually, he wished me all the best and that was that.

recently
Have been a happy smug married, relishing my new role as a wife, cosy nights in (instead of spending all my time in the pub), cooking etc. In contrast to things with X, being with DH was plain sailing, as opposed to all the drama. My head knew I had a lucky escape with X.

Then a couple of months ago, I got a text from a colleague/friend saying that X had text him to get my number. I replied saying that I would prefer not, and he didn't. I assumed X was pissed, had a row with his girlfriend and started ex-texting, which he often does.

A few days later he tries to contact me via msn, so I block him (he'd blocked me when it had first come to a head). A mutual friend tells me that he has broken up with his girlfriend and that I need to be on my guard. He then tries to add me on Facebook (again, he'd blocked me some time ago), but again, I block him. Eventually, he gets my number, and starts apologising for how things ended up, I tell him it's fine, I'm happy now.

I see him at work and he asks if we can be friends. I say I am happy to be friendly to him at work, but that I can't be socialising with him and proper friends like on facebook and that because I am married. I remind him that I gave him space when he was with his girlfriend and that he should grant me the same.

End up on a works night out, I'm actually feeling very strong at this point. You will all see what is coming next...I wish I had. We get to talking, and at first, we have a lovely catch up. He tells me he is really sad that I got married and that he has really missed me. The wine is kicking in at this point, and the feelings I had supressed began to resurface. If I'm honest, he was always under my skin, I thought about him alot but knew it was never going to happen. Then the tension became too much and I made my excuses to leave - my heart/body wanted to do things that the other part of my heart/head knew was a Very Bad Idea. I went to get a taxi to the tube and he got in it, which was not what I had intended.

I know people always say this, and on one level it had been building up, but on another, I don't know how it happened, but there we were in the taxi kissing like a pair of teenagers. I got out of the taxi, really shell shocked at what I'd done. Both of us were just like 'wtf?', though he wanted me to go home with him, I told him it wasn't a good idea and went back to my house.

Woke up feeling confused. On way to work, X rang me to see if I was okay, I told him I was just shocked at the turn in events and he invited me to his as he needed 'sorting out'. No, no and no! He made it clear that if I fancied a stroll down memory lane, I knew where he was. I kept my distance from him but, desire was building up inside of me and taking over.

I go on a work trip with several people from my unit, and of course, he was there - I'd no idea he was going for the whole week. Cliched as it is, one week in a hotel, him around constantly, drinks flowing, feelings etc...I was weak and I gave in.

Confused didn't begin to cover it - I loved him, I loved my DH, horrified at what I was capable of, horrified at how quickly I had thrown things away, realised that I musn't be as happy as I had thought but...I wanted to keep doing it. X (or is that OM now?) told me he loved me etc. Felt that I had no choice to go home, confess all and let DH leave (which he definitely would), but I decided that I needed to not let myself get overtaken by lust (I know, bit late in the day for that) and think about what I want and work at my marriage.

The next thing, X rings me to tell me he has got back with his girlfriend, so that's us done and dusted. I'm sad and confused but I know it is probably for the best. I ask him to stay away from me and he has done so (I suspect partly because his girlfriend insists, and rightly so).

now
I'm aware a lot of posters will tell me that my DH deserves to know what a bitch he is married to but I before I consider that, I wonder if there's a chance I can get things with my marriage back. Has anyone else been here?

It's not even like I'm very far into marriage and I feel like I have fallen at the first hurdle. DH is a wonderful man, all round good guy, the kind of man who will look after my sister when she is unwell. If anyone watches SATC, he is an Aidan. X is a Big (without the money) and is not an option. I actually suspect that it would have become an abusive relationship had it deepened. If one of my friends was involved with someone who told them they needed a cosmetic procedure to improve their appearance, I would tell them to run for the hills! (he would compliment me too, but yeah, insults as well which DH would never do - he loves me as I am).

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LoveBeing · 16/09/2010 10:09

What exactly are you asking?