Husband has admitted that he is....

[FlappyTheBat]

For those that don't remember me, I've been around mumsnet since 2005, have had a few name changes, was outed by my husband last year and haven't really been back since.
But that's not why I'm posting here, although my use of outed is pretty apt!

Ever since I met my husband, there have always been little things about him and last year he told me he was bisexual but loved me and I was the only person he wanted to spend his life with.
Soon after this announcement, he left for a lengthy deployment and throughout his time away, he would always tell me how much he was missing me and how much he loved me and couldn't wait to get back home. When he arrived back home, it felt so good to be back in his arms.
We have been happy since his return and although we only see each other 2.5 days per week, due to me not living on the base where he works, we have made the most of the time we've spent together, or so I thought.

10 days ago, he arrived home as planned, but was really quiet, wouldn't speak or even look at me. He bathed our young children, put them to bed and then announced that he was gay and always had been and that although he loved me, he loved me in a different way than I loved him. He said that he had been lying to both of us ever since we met and had always known that he was gay.

He said he decided to come out due to all the speculation surrounding William Hague, thanks William!!

So, I'm left in a marriage that I know will ultimately end, although we have decided not to separate just now as we want to let things settle and as our children are only 3 and 5, we don't want to upset them.
He's going to come back home on Fridays as normal, I'm going to be working most Saturday nights now and he will head back to his base once our children are in bed on a Sunday.
He's got everything nicely sorted, can live his own life 5 days a week, be the doting father 2 days a week

I feel stupid though as I still love him. He is still the man I married, my best friend and I'm devastated to think that soon, all our hopes and dreams for our future will end along with our marriage.

I know I am not the only person to have found themselves in this situation but it feels really lonely from where I'm sitting

Thanks (and well done) for reading all this, it feels a bit better for just having put it down.
I was thinking about writing something for our children too, so when they are able to understand exactly what happened, they can read about it, don't know if that's a good or not?

[FakePlasticTrees]

I don't have any practical advice, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

I hope you have some RL support, talk to your family, you don't have anything to be ashamed of, but will need the support. esp if he comes out at work and it becomes common knowledge.

Hopefully someone with some proper advice will be along soon.

[Mumfun]

Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can advise you better. Look after yourself and your little ones for the present - TBH nothing else matters at the moment. Give yourself some time to come to terms with things and think what you want to do. Dont rush into anything. DO think about support for yourself, either by telling a friend or accessing some counselling through your GP.

[buttonmoon78]

Oh you poor thing. I don't have any practical advice or experience, sorry. But I do think you need to think about your decision to (effectively) stay together because of the children. Already he is not full-time in their lives. If your marriage IS over then I would suggest that you need to start formally ending it and moving forward.

If your (X)H becomes involved in a new relationship, this could have an impact on your finances (I don't know your current arrangements). You really ought to be protecting yourself.

Take care of yourself and ensure that you are putting yourself and your dc first. He will, after all, be doing the same.

[FlappyTheBat]

he's come out at work - the day after he told me , I've tried to get counseling, but there is at least a 12 week waiting list!

we only plan to stay together for at the most 2 years, houses aren't selling at the moment, so we need to stay here until things start to move.

he's probably going to be deployed again next year and will be away for about 7 months, which will make staying together a lot easier.

we've told our families, his have been useless - no surprise there!! but mine, despite my initial reservations re telling them, have been absolutely wonderful, even if they are struggling to understand my current situation.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Oh you poor love! I had this with a boyfriend many moons ago and it was a total carpet from under my feet thing.

I can't profess to know exactly what you are feeling, but I have an inkling.

You are still in shock, this will pass, in time you will get over this and there is a possibility that you can return to being friends.

In this case, it really was a case of him saying 'It's not you, it's me.' Please don't blame yourself, you can and will get through this. We are all here for you.

I'm so pleased to hear that your family are being wonderful, you need that. the 12 weeks will pass quicker than you think, there's a lot you need to work out in your head before you go to counselling I would imagine. It'll be OK, we'll make sure of that.

[IseeGraceAhead]

It's great that you have support - you're going to need plenty of help to get your head round things! Don't let anyone push into forming fixed views or making permanent decisions just now. It took his whole life to reach this point - you've only had a week and a half!

As you say, it has happened to other people and it's never easy. I wanted to post & let you know about the SEVERAL gay, male couples I've known, who have children from their previous hetero marriages. In all but one of these families, the children's mother was reconciled to the situation and on friendly terms with everyone involved. Some were genuinely good friends. All of the children were perfectly at ease, though I remember two who experienced bullying when young.

This setup probably looks alien to you right now! I think that - as long as you take very good care of your own feelings, and are both honest with yourselves and others - you'll find you really can manage to build on the good in your relationship(s) while moving forward in very different directions.

I do wish you luck. Maybe see if you can find some forums specifically about this topic? x

[FlappyTheBat]

His family have never really been there for him. His father was widowed when h was a baby and remarried, to someone who had also been widowed.
H was sent, along with his sister, to spend pretty much every holiday with grandparents, so his step-monster could spend "quality time" with her 2 children.
I wish I was making this up, but we were told this by h's father a few years ago.

I am not excusing his behaviour, I just think if he had been brought up in a supportive environment, then he might have been able to come to terms with his sexuality before the age of 34, before he married me and we had 2 children together.
I don't think his father and step monster had any idea that he was gay, I don't actually think they really know him at all.

We feel that we have to make things work for us, whatever that will be in the future and we would love to remain friends, well that's what we are saying at the moment!

[lucy101]

You poor, poor thing - devastating news.

Like the other posters, I would have to ask whether the PT/weekend husband/father in your home situation is really in your best interests and whether it is going to make things really very painful and difficult for you.

A friend of mine has attempted this (again at the husband's instigation) and it is hasn't worked in my opinion. The children definitely understand what is going on - the little girl even said she feels sorry for mummy and could mummy find a nice boyfriend - even though the little girl isn't supposed to know what is going on! I actually think it might put the children under more stress ultimately (especially if you struggle with it).

I also think you should be quietly seeing a solicitor now and understand your rights and doing anything you need to do to protect your situation. I am sure other posters might be able to offer you more knowledgeable advice on this though than me.

[mathanxiety]

I have an exH whom I strongly suspect is either bi or gay -- he has never admitted anything, but everything in our relationship and in what I found on the computer points to him being sexually attracted to men (older men in his case). Perhaps not unrelated, he is also narcissistic, and that didn't help the relationship either, to say the least.

I joined an online support group on Yahoo, mostly American women, called W.O.B.G.H. (wives of bi and gay husbands) and felt incredibly validated by the other women there -- there isn't a whole lot of understanding of the devastation a woman can feel when you look back at a marriage that was based on wishful thinking by one partner. There tends to be a lot of sympathy for the gay individual 'forced' to hide his true nature (blah blah, yes I'm still angry about it); forced to use someone else as a human shield? And forced to drag innocent children into the whole sorry mess too?

I am a person who gave exH the benefit of the doubt for many, many years, but there were aspects of his plans for how things would be when we finally separated that had me thinking that he had had some sort of Plan B in mind all along, and I found myself getting less and less willing to stomach it all as time went on. Everything was worked out neatly to his best advantage -- he would have his cake and eat it too where seeing the DCs was concerned, money, coming and going to the family home, and I was clearly just some sort of cipher in his scheme of things, who did the laundry and cleaned the house and cooked for 'his' children.

The less willing I was to put on a happy face and let him get away with the fooling of himself and others he envisaged, the more angry he became with me -- here the narcissism came fully into play (symptoms had always been there, right from the start of our relationship, but then went into overdrive.) I actually don't think anyone could be so comprehensively deceptive, with such high stakes if found out, such devastating effects probable for the person he claimed to love, and especially for his own children (losing their family life) without being profoundly selfish and self absorbed to the point of falling into the narcissist category. This site might be helpful to you if you think your H may have a self-centered approach to life.

From the support group I learned that many men who come out go through a kid in a candy shop phase and behave like teenagers in lust once they feel they have cast off the burden of secrecy, and make up for lost time. This can be profoundly upsetting for those who know them, and can have repercussions for the children in terms of teasing, making irresponsible decisions about childcare because care of the children couldn't be combined with their social life, and an insistence on having everyone (including the DCs) accept everything new about daddy/husband without a murmur (having their cake and eating it).

There were varying reactions from family members related by the women I 'met' online. In my case, my exMIL turned on me in a vicious manner when I told her about all the gay porn and what oldest DD had found too. They circled the wagons against me. TBH, I am glad they did it openly -- saved me the time I would have wasted otherwise trying to keep a relationship going with them.

There are two things that are very important:
(1) see a solicitor, and investigate the armed forces aspect spouse aspect of your rights too. Get a financial support package locked in place. There's no need to delay any divorce proceedings -- most likely if your H has suggested this there's more in it for him than there is for you.
(2) get yourself tested for every std under the sun. Explain the precise circumstances to your doctor. Ask for a Hepatitis test too.

How and why did he out you here last year? Does he have some underlying anger or hostility towards you? Have you done any reading on the subject?

Here's a support site run by Bonnie Kaye who has written on the subject.

There are many women in this situation who think the concept of 'bisexuality' is just a heap of hooey -- when a husband 'admits' it what he really means is he is gay and has always known it and he is gauging your reaction.

[paintapiccie]

im watching this unfold with huge personal interest as I suspect my partner of 6 years and father of my 11 month old to be hiding his true feelings. I have asked him outright and he denies it. But gut instinct tells me Im right.
I am torturing myself with mental analysis.
Bat - Im pleased that everything is out in the open for you now and that your husband has found the strength to be honest. I believe in doing so he has shown you respect.
You are now free to find the love and intimacy that you deserve.
i know the lonely feeling but Be positive...

[FlappyTheBat]

Last year when he was away, a few people got talking about mumsnet - onboard a war ship of all places!!

My h told people who I was, which made things difficult for me here, as I knew he was "bisexual" at the time but couldn't post much detail about it as it would have been pretty easy for people to put 2 and 2 together, even with a name change.

I have joined an online support group, and although I am sure that it will be helpful, there isn't always someone around to speak to, unlike here.

mathanxiety, thank you for your post, I hope I haven't dragged up too much hurt for you. The main reason for me staying married to him for a little while longer is a purely financial one and to allow me a little bit of breathing space, whilst I sort things out in my head.

[FlappyTheBat]

paintapiccie, I am so sorry for you!

I asked my h several times about things I found on computers, mobile phones and I naively believed him and trusted what he told me, love certainly blinded me. I always had a feeling he was hiding something and I was right. I suppose I've been waiting since last year for the announcement that he is gay!

I hope I can find someone to love and look forward to a future with, I just don't know how that will happen.

[IseeGraceAhead]

Math put that very well: "Using another human being as a human shield". The friends I mentioned above were very regretful about having done this - after realising it's what they'd done. You might feel very angry about this soon, Flappy, and you'll have every right to. (I bet, too, some people will say "at least he didn't leave you for another woman" [grr] )

[mathanxiety]

Sad you couldn't post about your problems here without feeling you would expose him -- that was a sly move on his part.

To be honest, my ex's behaviour and attitude apart altogether from the gay aspect were always much bigger problems for me -- finding out he was probably (99% certain) gay was actually a relief to me, as so much that I hadn't seen very clearly before fell into place, and helped me to finally make up my mind that there was nothing I could do to salvage the marriage.

Glad you're able to see your own best interest in all of this and plot your own course. The sorting out in the head was a full time job for me for a while.

[thumbwitch]

Flappy I am so :( for you. What a horrible shock and let-down for you - a betrayal of your lives together.

I have very limited experience of similar - one of my boyfriends, whom I had suspected, I will admit, turned out to be gay. I didn't really mind as we were no longer in a relationship but it did worry me that people around me started saying the stupidest things, like "oo, you turned him gay". OF COURSE this is utterly ridiculous, no one can "turn" anyone gay, but I just wanted to warn you that some people might think that is an "amusing" (HAH!) thing to say to you.

I hope you can find a way to be friends too but I agree that soon you are going to get very pissed off with him having it both ways while your life is turned on its head, so probably a good idea to start proceedings asap.

[perfumedlife]

Sorry to hear this FlappyTheBat. Its far from uncommon sadly. You would think in the 21st century people should feel free to be who they are and yet there are so many who fear condemnation for being sexually open.

My dearest friend was married to a woman he loved very much despite believing he was gay. He says he hoped it was just a phase and that he did really love her, still does. They split but remain good friends, although there were no kids. I hope you don't feel the entire marriage was a lie, i doubt it was as clear cut as that. And the children are never a mistake.

Good luck with your counselling, I think it will help to make sense of this, and never take on any blame or start the 'what ifs'.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Math has it nailed. I think that I would be so bloody furious at the deception if I were you, that there is no way I could continue playing happy families. Please work out what you and your DC need, rather than what is convenient for him. If you still love this man, then prolonging this marriage and watching him get involved with other people will be excruciating. Please don't let yourself be any more hurt than you have already been. It might not be the etiquette here, but fuck it

[FlappyTheBat]

Thanks for all your replies, I'm currently going between still loving him and wanting him out of life asap!

He says he still loves me, that he hasn't met anyone and isn't looking to meet anyone and that the only reason he came out was he couldn't live with the lies any longer.

I am the one who has put a time limit on us staying together as a family and I know that it won't always be easy, I'm under no illusions about that!!

I've started making tentative plans for my future, think I might even write a book too

[Penguindreams]

If you are based in England, there's a Yahoo group called English Wives that is aimed at women whose husbands/partners have come out and where the marriage is ending. There's also a US site called Alternate Path (I think) that is more aimed at couples who want to stay together albeit in a less traditional relationship. Good luck!

[FlappyTheBat]

I'm a member of English Wives, they should really change their name as they cover the entire UK.

Thanks for info re Alternate Path, will have a look as a small part of me thinks that we might have a future but then my head tells me otherwise.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Tell him that you are going to start dating and hope he will do his share of childcare when he is home so that you can go out and date. He is not your partner any more, therefore you are entitled to seek a new one and indeed to have sex if you want to.

I appreciate that you may well be feeling far too raw to date (and running straight into another relationship wouldn't be the best strategy for you at present) - the point is to make him understant that you are a person with feelings and wishes, not his housekeeper/comfort blanket. And that if he is going to date, you are not going to be a celibate mother figure, putting him first, in order that he can keep up appearances.

It is possible that in time you will be able to have an amicable co-parent relationship with him. It's very likely that he does love you as the mother of DC and a person who's company he enjoys - it's no one's fault that you haven;t got a penis, after all. But you do need to make sure you give your own needs and wishes, and those of the children, as much if not more priority as you give to his feelings.