I'm a sad dad/husband advice please

[happy46]

Hi all,
I thought I'd try to get some perspective from people who don't know me or my wife.

Firstly sorry, if I don't use all the abbreviations, as I don't know them!!

Myself and my wife have been together for 15 years. I'm 41, she's 34

We have one son who's 12.

When my son was young my wife found it very hard, and by her own admission was depressed. I was working all the hours I could so she could stay at home, as this is what we believed was best.

She went back to work full time about 3 years ago, and has worked her way up in her firm (she's a lawyer) to a respectable position.

She works so hard, but recently she's had less and less time for me. I don't think I'm demanding, or selfish, but I love her, and want a bit of her time. I work a lot of nights, so evenings off together are rare.

A few months ago, I couldn't hold back any longer, and told her I wish she'd find some time for me. She can find time for her friends and going out drinking, but even our son had noticed we were doing nothing as a family.

So we had it out, and that got us questioning our whole relationship, which put us under a lot of strain.

As time's gone on, it's got worse. She's spending more and more time out with her friends.

When we go out, she can't go with just me, we have to meet up with our friends, and then she talks to them, more or less ignoring me. She seems to enjoy male attention a bit too much.

I believe in time out apart, and used to feel great that men fancied her. She is attractive, and I never felt threatened, as we were "solid" I never check on where she's been or who she's been talking too, as I figure, we're both allowed a bit of privacy.
I've got a great set of mates, and like nothing more than going out with them, which she is fine with, and to be fair I enjoy chatting to women in pubs/clubs etc, but never miss-behave.

When we talk, we never argue, she says she loves me, and I love her. We?ve both changed a bit in 15 years, as you would, but I can?t seem to make her happy any more.

I?ve got a lot of hobbies, I?m in a cycle club, I play for a local football team (veterans!!) so I think I?m quite balanced, and we spend some quality time?. Apart!!

I?m not scared of being on my own, or even of us splitting up, which we have spoken about, I?m just so sad that it?s all going wrong.

We?ve been through so many hard times over the years with all sorts of issues, but remained solid, I?m so upset we can?t seem to get on.

Whenever we try to talk it turns a bit heavy, and one or both of us end up crying.

I know it?s a bit of a rant, and all over the place, but I just typed it as it came into my head.

Any advice from a female perspective would be so welcome.

[CarGirl]

From a practical point of view I'd say book you in her diary and go out just the two of you, perhaps doing something different to going out for dinner or the cinema.

It could be habit, you've drifted apart and got stuck in a rut and it no longer feels natural to her for the 2 of you to be together anymore.

[AllarmBells]

Very similar style to maddaddy, particularly in last three paras.

[purplepeony]

The only thing that strikes me is that your wife had your son when she was very young- barely out of uni, if she was there. I know there are some young mums on MN but I was 31 when I had my first child and it felt young then for that responsibility!

My first reaction is that your wife is wanting to spread her wings and do all the things that women like to do in their 20s before they settle down.

Another line is- are you helping enough at home? resentment can build up if 1 partner does most of the chores.

It may be sadly, that after settling down so young, she is now a different person and you have grown apart. Would you consider going to Relate to try to help sort out your feelings for each otehr?

[TrappedinSuburbia]

If she's into that bdsm or whatever its called what about some handcuffs or silk scarves for light tying up/blindfolding etc, that might give her more of an interest?

[purplepeony]

Trapped [shocked] Are we reading the same post?

[TrappedinSuburbia]

OMG NO!!! lol, meant to go on maddaddys post!!

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Think I should go and do my shopping now (slinks off)

[DuelingFanjo]

I'm with AllarmBells on this and a few other thread.

Sigh. How tiresome


Assume trapped is making a nod to the other threads started recently on almost the same subject.

[msboogie]

I agree with the comments about her enjoying the freedom that she may feel she "missed out" on when she was younger. She also may have lost sight of the importance of your relationship and she may be making a mistake in doing so.

I would suggest some time away together where you try to establish whether you have grown apart or she has grown away from you and whether you feel it is time to call it quits or try some relationship counselling.

Offer her the opportunity to separate amicably if she wants it.If not you need to work out a plan to reconnect. What's your sex life like (you don't have ot answer obviously) still good or fizzled out? that might be telling you something...

Good luck.

[happy46]

Wow, fast replys...

I would love nothing more than to take her out just the two of us. Wine/dine her and generally spoil her. She works hars and deserves it. But she won't go, unless we meet everyone else.

I recently booked us a weekend away, and she invited her friend and her husband to come too.. She asked if I minded, I said I thought it was supposed to be just us two, but she said they need a break too, as they've just had some bad news.. which they have.. but not my problem!

With the chores, I do most of them (she agrees) I do nearly all the cooking/cleaning. I do all the gardening, clean cars, geeral maintanance etc. I do this because I work mostly nights so have time during the day when she's out at work.

[happy46]

The last reply was a bit rushed as I was on my way to Tescos! So I'll try to answer some of the points.

Dualingfanjio not sure where you're coming from!!!

purplepeonie, and msboogie, you're right, she has told me we did things too young, with having our son, and she is enjoying the freedom an older child gives you. I enjoy it too, and no longer feel I have to miss out on things for "the family"

As for sex life, when this first all started it got better than it's ever been!! I love trying new things (but only ever with her!!!!) and I think I make her feel special.
But obviously, it's all but non existent now. I am loving and caring, and I only ever want sex to be "love".. (pass the sick bucket... lol)

We have discussed relate, although not been, as we talk quite openly about feelings. I would go, not sure if she would

I enjoy being a dad/husband but also enjoy forgetting about it all!! When our son was young, my wife went out a fair bit, and I always said, "go out, forget about being mum/wife" and enjoy it, and I really meant it.

I've offered the "amicable separation" as it's hurting me like mad. Each time I do, she cries, and says she can't live without me...

I guess I'm a bit impatient and just want it all to work.. or go our separate ways!

[countingto10]

I would suggest you try Relate, having a independent third party take on things is really useful and will give you both a different angle on things.

Have you tried meeting her for lunch as evenings seem to be out ?

I really enjoy going out to lunch with my DH, it's a different time of day, no worries about babysitters etc. It just seems not so intense as dinner IYSWIM.

[venusandmars]

Can you find something that gets you alongside each other without it being as intense as a meal out or weekend away with just the two of you.

It can feel like a lot of pressure when things are difficult between you, and you go out for a meal, and end up 'talking things over' again, and again, and again. being out with other people takes the pressure away from that but that's not very helpful if you are being ignored.

Could you try something new e.g. go for a day at a cookery school or a day racing fast cars. Something that would give you a shared by nuetral experience that you could talk about?

[Trubert]

Got maddaddy's overuse of exclamation marks, too.

[happy46]

I've tried the daytime thing, I've suggested we should try something new like ski lessons, or riding lessons. We've got a decent income between us, so we can do quite a bit (within reason)but she can't be bothered.

We had a couple of weeks off together last month, I suggested we needed a holiday to get away from it all (we've got loads of other stuff going on within the family) but again.. it's like she can't be bothered.

Sorry this is starting to sound like me whinging, I just don't know where to turn.

I've confided in a few people,(men and women) who all say, I'm too good for her, and she doesn't appreciate me, and I'm starting to agree. But it's a lot to throw away..

[Deliaskis]

happy46 I think you probably need to make it clear to her that you are unhappy with the status quo and so that you together need to work to fix it, or decide to call it a day.

It's not fair of her to cry and say she can't live without you, but then to say she 'can't be bothered' to try any of the things you have suggested to fix things. 'Can't be bothered' to me suggests she has lost interest in the relationship (sorry), but then if she says she can't live without you then clearly there is something there. It strikes me that you need to get to the bottom of whether she really can't/doesn't want to live without you, or whether she doesn't want to contemplate the undoubted complications of separating from what for her might be a fairly comfortable status quo. This is why I think you need to be quite clear that the status quo isn't comfortable for you, and can't carry on. It's not fair to string things along this way.

Sorry if this all sounds very negative, I sincerely hope that the result of this is positive for both of you, I'm just trying to think of a way to get to the bottom of what the real issue is. Until you can do that, I think it's really hard for anyone to be able to come up with a solution.

D

[Hullygully]

Hurl her to the ground and have at her like a jackhammer. Show her you care.

[Lizzabadger]

Can I have some private sex advice please?

[dignified]

Im surprised you find the time to post, what with you being a domestic king ect !

[aegeansky]

Hi, a guy perspective here.

I think the comments about your wife having a family young may be right on the money. But there are other signs that your relationship is heading for serious trouble. You definitely need to both want to spend time together alone, not all the time, but some of the time.

And if you're making the offer and she wants someone else along, that's because either you can't do intimacy, or she doesn't want it anymore, which is quite serious.

I don't mean serious/curtains, I just mean perhaps it's time to consider counselling, which can unpick some of these issues. I don't want to knock a well known marriage guidance counselling service but some people find the long waiting list is offputting and others find that there may be more suitable private counselling services avaialable.

Hope that helps.

[purplepeony]

Does it really matter if this OP is also posting on another thread with another name? Are some of you implying it's not genuine?

OP I agree with the post above. Not wanting to be alone is a def. sign of avoidong intimacy. Sounds as if the frenetic activity she gets up to is displacement for really sitting down with you and working out your future.

OP I wonder- adn am trying toput this kindly- if your wife wants you to be more male? It sounds as if you are bending over backwards to be nice to her whereas she might want you to be more dominant and alpha male.
I don't mean this badly, nor do I mean it's justified, but could she have lost respct for you in some way if she is now the main earner?

Do you need to be more forceful and insist she goes to counselling- or you have time apart perhaps?

It just sounds as if she is calling all the shots yet perhaps wants you to take control a bit more.

[Coca]

Can't praise Relate enough, no special meals out will paste over the cracks in a marriage you need to be able to communicate.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

I just wish these stupid men would bugger off. Just feck off the lot of you. I know it's meant to be a 'parents'' forum but jeez, just go away.

Or at least offer to contact my ex in bangland and say something meaningfully horrible.

Just go away and squeeze some more fresh oranges for your sad miserable wives.

[Coca]

Ok I have had a glass on wine...am I missing something?