Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

[Singlediva]

Me and H have been having problems for about 4 months. He wasn't sure if he still loved me after 17 years of marriage and 2 dc. He wouldn't make a decision so I eventually told him he either worked at it or moved out, he decided to move out. He couldn't go straight away but we decided to tell dc so they could get used to idea. He eventually moved out to his mums at weekend but rang last saying he wanted to come home to me and dc, he said he knew he wanted to be with us and wanted to work at our marriage. I've been waiting for months for him to say this but I had reservations over how much he wanted to be with me, was it just dc he was coming back for? I let him back but still cannot shake off feeling that he doesn't want to be with me as he seems very distant. Have I just made a huge mistake? Should I have said he needed more thinking time? To make thinks worse ds is overjoyed he is back but dd is upset. If he stays he needs to stay for good, if he goes then he goes for good.
Is it just too early to tell?

[msboogie]

Well, I wouldn't have let him come back without hearing from him how he intended to work at things with you and what he thought the problems were. Otherwise nothing changes.

Do you think he just got homesick and missed the kids and home and wanted to come back without really thinking about the relationship?

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I think you have done the right thing. Leave him where he isn't he doesn't love you.
You know he will do the same thing a few months down the line.What a prat.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Sorry just re-read you have let him back.

To late now.

[mathanxiety]

Have a talk. Ask him what's going on. Tell him you won't accept Rhubarb Rhubarb as an answer. He's had a little time to cool his heels and do some thinking. You can take back control here. Take the initiative. Do you want him gone? Have you sorted yourself out?

[Spero]

It doesn't sound too good. If he meant what he said, he would be trying to talk to you to sort out where you are going from here, not being 'distant'.

This is so unfair on you and the children. He has had months to think about it. I would tell him that you are both going to counselling with a view to making a final decision in six months.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

In an ideal world, I think you should have said that you would think about it and found out exactly what it was he was missing and what had changed. As you well know, I have my suspicions about what caused all this in the first place and I think a great deal has been hidden from you.

So now, I would try to repair the haste of your decision by making some conditions. In your shoes mine would be to start talking about what really caused all this, what his feelings are towards you as a romantic partner - and why he has changed his mind. Secondly, I would insist on couples counselling, but even that would come with the condition that he is open and honest with you and the counsellor.

If he agrees to all this, then it would be worth trying again. If he doesn't - or you still feel he's hiding something and isn't really invested in your romantic relationship - then I would ask him to go again.

I understand why you don't want to damage the DCs further by any more disruption, so I think separate chats are called for with them both, as they are such different ages.

To your DD, I would be telling her that you haven't decided yet to take him back, but feel that you should see if anything is salvageable. Really listen between the lines with her though - her reaction to all this has always made me think she is troubled with more than a teenager should have to bear and that there is more to this than just the normal teenage "hating Dad" stuff.

To your DS, I would give a similar message, saying you cannot promise to stay together but that you will be getting some help together to see if you can. I think he particularly needs his expectations to be managed and to understand that it might not all work out in the end after all.

Have you had any individual counselling SD to analyse what you want? I understand that his request was what you were hoping for for so long, but now it's come, are you sure you still want him - and why that is?