i am a mess.....

[ijustdont]

i have been lurking for weeks now and find the advice you give to others so helpful so thought i would pour my heart and soul out for some help too

Bit of history first.......
We have been married for 5 years and have 2 ds sons age 8 and 3. Last year We decided to move 200 miles from any friends and family that we have to a complete strange place as dh job was relocating to that area, it was a joint discussion and me and dh used to be so solid that i thought i could do it with him at my side.

Well over a year on and we are not as solid as i thought, i struggled to settle at first but have put myself out there and made new friends, got a job, joined toddler groups etc....... but i miss my family so much, every time we say goodbye i sob my heart out and physically feel quite sick, it has been like this since the day we moved. My dh says he WILL NEVER move back to the town the i grew to love and have so many connections with ( he also has friends and family there)
we used to have a house where people where popping in and out and generally doing things with family and friends, where now nothing, no one has been in my house for over 2 months and i find it quite sad.
dh first used to get annoyed with me when i got so upset and now he laughs..... it upset me that he cant (or dont want to) see how hurt i actually feel.
As i was saying goodbye to my sister and Neices and the weekend he just looked at me and said " This is going to finish us...." I never thought that a house move could tear us apart, we dont laugh no more, we dont sleep together no more, if he is not stroppy with me he has the hump with the kids......
I know tonight we have to have the talk and i just dont know what to say.........

[sorrento56]

Could you compromise and move half way so he could still work and you could see your family or is it just too far?

I think your main problem is the fact that he appears not to care how upset you are. It is almost irrelevant why you are upset, he should care and support you.

[gardenpixie]

I agree with Sorrento - he needs to support you and listen to you so you can work out a solution together.

Laughing at someone who is distressed and upset is not good enough.

You are a team and he needs to play his part in making it work for you both.

So sorry you are having such a hard time

[ijustdont]

We have gone from Kent to An hour from Birmingham, He Wont consider moving until at least 2012 he said, then it would be still midlands...... I understand that we made the move to better the family life, but we are finically worst off, and we do nothing different but always on our own.

We had a big row over this in Feb this year as i was going thorough a rough time then and he said that if i moved back our marriage is over as when he comes back at weekends his time will be spent with the boys and not with me, i think that has stuck in my mind to, i think he wants to stay married if im here and doing "what i should be for the family" - if i talk about going back and him working way like he used to then we are over....:(

[sorrento56]

Do not allow him to blackmail you. It is your life and your marriage too.

[Portofino]

Having done something similar, I feel your pain, but can see both sides! It does take time to start again, but you made a joint decision/commitment, so it must be very frustrating for him to have you in tears about it all the time.

My DH is a bit the same about going "home". He has no interest in going at all, basically. I just go visiting on my own and do feel sad that family Xmas's, for example, are out of the question.

It was hard to build a new life and make new friends and I do miss my family. But for me what worked was throwing myself into building my new life, rather than regretting the move. We had difficult times, but it does all come together in the end.

I remember sitting in my garden a couple of years ago and both sets of neighbours had friends round for a BBQ. I sat there feeling like nobby no mates and was really, really sad. Since then, stuff has got much easier - we have thrown a few ourselves this summer, and my social life has really taken off.

You have to think about what is really important to YOU though. Your family and friends being close, or YOUR family unit. I doesn't sound like a very understanding type though .

[Portofino]

HE doesn't sound......

[ijustdont]

Thanks for all your words of advice yesterday.
We did talk last night and he came out with something that shocked me...... thinks i should move back with the kids and he will work away like he did before, He says that my heart has never been in the move ( perhaps he is right) and that since we have moved i have been a moody moaning wife ( parts true the move turned me into a person i never knew existed but i have treid so hard to make roots - i have more friends then him) and all the time im like that he dont know how he feels about me??? Says if we stay here we are delaying the inevitable by staying here and says that if we stay in these circumstances that he will end up moving out as his life feels shit at mo........

Left me a bit gobsmacked as he has never been that way about it, he is leaving the choice down to me now so i have to make the right choice.......