Please help me explain this to DH (post affair with colleague)

[greentriangle]

DH had an affair with a colleague for a few months which I found out about in April. At the time, our kids were aged 3 and 1 . DH then walked out for a week and came back home at the end of the week.

The reasons why he had this affair are the standard, obvious ones ? he thought he didn?t love me (I was busy with 2 little kids, having suffered a great deal during pregnancy), he worked extremely long hours and spent a long time in the company of the OW and he is an extremely arrogant and selfish man.

I agreed that I would try to forgive him for this and we would try to rebuild our marriage of almost a decade. I thought I was making reasonable progress. I have held everything together for our family and never made any sort of scene in public. We have had a number of arguments at home, though.

Now, DH seems to think that he can just carry on as though nothing has happened. He has gone back to working long hours, at least 6 days a week and he has continued to work with the OW. He has the opportunity to put the OW on different assignments (DH is the head of the team) but he says that her work is good and this cuts down the work he has to do. He also says that his clients like her so it could cause problems to reassign her to other clients. I have asked him not to work with her but he continues to refuse. The problem is that I can?t put this affair behind me because emails continue to come through from her, he has to go to meetings and on trips (inc overnight) with her. I can deal with what happened, but I cannot continue to have it rubbed in my face like this and DH will not do anything about it.

I can?t say for sure whether they are still having an affair. The OW has her own child (she?s divorced) and she has just moved in with another man (who she had been seeing at the same time as my DH, but for longer) and this man has 2 children of his own so she is in effect their stepmother. It would appear that if she is in the process of integrating into a stepfamily, that surely she would not still be seeing my DH? They still have the opportunity, but DH denies that he is seeing her.

Anyway, the actual question is, what can I say to my DH (logic/reason type stuff) that will make him understand that it is the wrong thing to do to continue to work with the OW? He just thinks it is fine. Another way he defends himself is by saying that he earns a very good salary and supports all 4 of us (I am a SAHM, eldest has mild autism so I do plan on continuing this for the forseeable future).

[compo]

sounds like all the trust has gone in your marriage and he doesn't sound sorry or understanding
have you been through marriage counselling?

[crossingborders]

I'm sorry but I could not and would not be tolerating this. He is treating you like you count for nothing. Why are you asking how to make him see your perspective when he clearly doesn't care about your feelings? That says it all. I'm afraid in your shoes I would be getting out OP.

[Bonsoir]

I don't think your DH does have any choice about working with his exOW, if she is as good as he says at her job (and she probably is).

I think you and your DH need relationship counselling ASAP.

[greentriangle]

Bonsoir - DH has a team of 18. There are 2 others at the exact same level as the OW. One of whom is as good as she is. DH's regional boss knows about the affair and has tried to encourage DH to rotate the staff on his clients. He does have the opportunity and the ability to do this - he just won't. I do accept she is good at her job.

I do not really understand what relationship counselling would do for me. The problem is that DH is having his cake and eating it but stamping on me becuase I am trapped financially and practically - I don't want to divorce if there is hope of rectifying things. My own parents are divorced and I want to avoid it for my own children because the consequences are lifelong (only 2 weeks ago, my dad was complaining about the past).

[Bonsoir]

Please try relationship counselling - you are coming across as quite a rigid thinker and relationship counselling really helps you to break down your own internal barriers and see things more flexibly.

[akhems]

Completely unacceptable.

My partner had an affair with a work colleague and left the company to avoid her once it was over. I accept that this isn't always possible but he must at least do what he can to minimise contact with her.

He's also done everything he can to reassure me that he loves me and wants to be with me. He's made himself accountable and will prove in whatever way he can that he is where he says he is and with who he says he is wherever possible, even if that means getting someone else to speak on the phone or sending me a photo of where he is and the group he's with.

I have full access to all his emails (including work) and phone bills etc and can make sure things tally up, ie texts on the bill match with texts on his phone etc, no sneaky deleting or anything like that. I have to say that I feel the need to check less and less often, thankfully.

Things aren't perfect yet, not by a long way but the fact that he's trying so hard makes a huge difference.

You deserve for your husband to be making the same efforts for you. Anything less just isn't good enough.

[mummytime]

Did he ever take responsibility for the affair himself? Or just say it was because he felt pushed out by the baby etc.?

If not, and he doesn't repent; then he will have another affair if he isn't still seeing her. And he will blame you for it.

[DogDays]

I wouldn't tolerate it. He should be doing EVERYTHING in his power to enable you to trust him and he isn't, so he obviously doesn't give a shit.

He'd be out of the door if it was me, but then, I'd have chucked him out as soon as I found out about the affair.