Advice needed re partner 'having a wobble'

[bridgetjonesislovely]

I am hoping that somebody may have some words of wisdom for me please.

In brief my DH cheated on me loads, i finally had the courage to end things 18 months ago and found me again which is great.

When I was ready I tried inetrnet dating, had a few brief reltionships and then 10 weeks ago met the most lovely guy.

He too had been cheated on had been apart from her for a year and had also had a few brief relationships.

I went on holiday for 2 weeks and whilst i was away my new man said he has 'had a wobble' He says he cares for me a great deal but he is not sure if he is love with me, is it lust or is it just because we get on so well ( his words) He also said he is unsure wether he can trust again and if he wants to open himself up to being hurt again.

I am at a loss to know how to handle this , i gave him 3 openings yesterday to walk away and he said he did not want to take them just wants time to think and he does not want to hurt me.

I am gutted I feel like I am losing him and if i do so be it, I'll live sure i'll be hurt but I can and will bounce back.

What i am really looking for is advice on how to handle this situation, do I leave him alone totally? try to maintain a bit of contact without seeming pushy? Or what?

And honestly do you think this is beyond repair?

Any advice greatly appreciated

[EldritchCleavage]

I think give him time, but with some structure so you're not just left hanging. You can't fairly be left in a position of having no idea what's going on or of having to chase him. If he cares about you he won't want you to be in that position.

So, maybe say you'll give him space but you want him to ring you in say two weeks to let you how how he is; that you want to meet up again in say three weeks or something and you can take things from there. If he doesn't stick to the agreement, whatever it is, or agree to make one then frankly he's mucking you about and I'd think about running for the hills.

[bridgetjonesislovely]

Okay thanks it will be hard but I'll try to stay strong. If it's meant to be it will happen I guess!

[garageflower]

I think you should definitely agree a set time for him to have his time out and then something has to be decided.

Am a bit concerned that he is feeling like this so soon into it. I have been in his position before and when I wanted time out, it was because I was worried that my now ex was falling much faster than I was and it made me panic.

Although we didn't work out anyway, him giving me space when I needed it really helped. Just try and make sure, if you stay together, that you do get as much love, support, affection etc as you give.

[bridgetjonesislovely]

I agree he was the one that said I love you really soon and talked about moving in together. I held back on saying i loved him until just before I went on holiday and I also said it needed to be at least a year before we considered living together.

yesterday i said the only person putting pressure on him was him and he agreed. I just hate this situation but you are right I need to let him have time.

I am being very strong on not texting or ringing unless he texts me which he has done and he is still calling me babe and putting kisses. I'm really trying to give him space because I do really like him it's just so damn hard.

[IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat]

He said he loved and brought up living together really early on, then panicked and said he doesn't know what he wants?

To be completely honest, I have heard of LOADS of these type of guys. I have never heard of it ending well. Sorry.

Frankly, he is fucking you round with this 'babe' business.

I would politely tell him not to contact you during his 'break', and do not contact him.

I wouldnt get your hopes up, as even if he does want you back he will probably pull the same stunt again 2 months later. Sorry to say this, but I have been there and so have many of my friends.

[bridgetjonesislovely]

Hmmmm well it's good to hear viewpoints even if I am going to get hurt.

Perhaps you are right Wouldnotcouldnot maybe I should run for the hills now

[JaxTellersOldLady]

It does sound like has has had a panic moment.

Be honest with him, tell him that we all need space, but you are not going to hang on forever (if that is how you feel) how long does he want to 'think'? 2 days, 1week a month?

I would let him have a week or two - but with a precedent that he doesnt sleep with anyone else during your time apart.

Jesus - it has been 10 weeks and you have been away for 2... it doesnt bode well OP. sorry.

[garageflower]

Another thing that I would wonder which is only a guess is if he wanted a relationship for the sake of having one. ie having a girlfriend was more important than who the girlfriend actually was? This is pure speculation but maybe why he jumped in feet first and is now realising that most relationships don't work like that.

[purpleduck]

I think going away for 2 weeks is a bit HUGE for a 10 week relationship.

I would be inclined to back off a bit and to give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he is a bit scared, and if thats the case then I think its good that he is communicating this to you.

However.

Be very very clear. Tell him you are giving him a bit of space, but if it drags on too long, or if he carries on giving you mixed messages then you will assume he is not ready and you will end things.

I'm not sure I would give him an end point - perhaps give yourself one though just so it doesn't drag on for years.

Maybe he does just need to catch his breath, but just don't hang on forever.




But then what the hell do i know?

;)

[JaxTellersOldLady]

Can we just clear something up OP?

Did you go away alone (or with friends)for 2 wks holiday or did you and the 'wobbler' go together?

Think there might be some confusion.

[purpleduck]

ooh just re-read Jax and it does seem that OP went without the wobbler.


I think this changes things. If he was without OP for 2 weeks, and he had a wobble while she was away, then I would give him a VERY wide berth.

[AnyFucker]

anybody that called me "babe" would be kicked to the kerb, tbqh

he sounds like a nob who blows hot and cold

cool it right off, yourself....much better in the long run

[bridgetjonesislovely]

yes just to clarify I went with my friend and her 10 year old son it was a family holiday if you like and when we first got together we both agreed it's important to do independant stuff.

What confuses me is as soon as my plane landed he rang me realy pleased that I was back and sent me a text saying love you loads.

I just don't know but I have spent a miserable evening worrying about it and I have decided that I will cool things a bit leave the ball firmly in his court and if he wants me he can make that clear but I am not dancing to his tune.

I have some sympathy because he said last night you are perfect for me and I don't know why I am wobbling I am just scared of getting hurt again ( because his ex cheated on him) I said are you saying you thought I cheated on you on holiday and he was shocked and said no of course not. We are also supposed to be going away next weekend and I asked him if he wanted to cancel it last night and he again looked shocked and said no I don't want to cancel do you?

And lastly one of my friends is getting married n Saturday and I am going all day but he is invited to the evening and he said he still wants to come! I am not keen on that because there are unresolved issues and I think i would feel a bit awkward to be honest.

In my head I am saying if you had a wobble whilst I was away you have already had nearly 2 weeks to think about it you either want me or you don't?! But I am thinking he is worth a bit longer and if it doesn't work out then it's his loss, brave words as it will hurt but everything happens for a reason right?

[freedomfrom]

hmmmm Emotional Unavailability springs to mind.
For him to say 'I love you' so early on and talk of living together this guy is a commitmentphobe. Trust me, I'm an expert, its my whole relationship history.

I cant recommend this book enough, and I'll probably post it all over this forum. 'He's scared, shes scared, the underlying fears that sabatage your relationships'
You can search on amazon and probably read thorugh a bit of it.

If he's saying that now, then whats to say he wont be saying it next week, next month, before the wedding, when you get pregnant.
If he's not over his x, or what she did, then find someone who is sure he wants to be with you cus you're an amazing catch.

[purpleduck]

If it doesn't work out then its because HE wasn't strong enough.
Shit happens to everyone.

[bridgetjonesislovely]

I'll have a look for the book and yes I know It's him not me and I guess I am waiting for that immortal line the next time I see him.

It's amazing how before I met him I thought next time I'll find somebody that loves me more than I love him. I also told myself that any guy that gets me would be lucky ... oh well like i said his loss and maybe my lucky escape

[Kiwiinkits]

I am a firm believer in saying, if a bloke says he wants a break:
"that's fine, you can have a break. I'm not going to wait around though so if I end up hooking up with someone else while you sort your shit out that's the risk you have to take". Men LOVE that sort of self-assertion. Don't allow him to dick you around. Seriously.

[Tortington]

you had a little time and you had a little fun
didn't ya didn't ya
while you were having your dya think i had none? do ya? do ya?

the freedom that you wanted back...is yours for good. i hope your gald

sad into unsaaaaaaaad.


the beautiful south - classic!


anyway. this is just some wanky teenager esq melodrama to see what you do.

just tell him that your not his jailer but you've done your crying in your life and you won't be sat watching sad films and listening to elton john.

some men like you to pine and dick you about that way - like your misery is a measure of how much you love them

so tell them you don't work that way, and then they perhaps have to think that maybe errrrrrrrrr love is the measure


tell em all this shit even if you will watch sad films and listen to elton john - dont tell them that - BACKBONE BACKBONE

[bridgetjonesislovely]

Custardo you made me smile that Beautiful South song has been running around my head all night as it happens.

I have now reached the angry stage and I'm thinking how dare he traet me like this, I NEVER put him under any pressure to move in or tell me he loved me that was all him.

Yes I am damn sad and I am finding it hard, but if I can survive my ex of 15 years cheating on me 5 times and then walking away I sure as hell can get over a 10 week relationship pretty damn quick.

I will see what tomorrow brings but the longer this goes on the stronger I get he may find that if and when he says sorry babe I do love you after all it might be too late.

Lord knows why I can't sleep I think it's just the limbo land I find myself in. I can't believe I let another man make me feel like this but I will get through because that is what I do. Brave face , smile and pretend I don't give a damn lol

[JaxTellersOldLady]

love that song custardo!

OP I am sure you will be fine. He has had time, 2 whole weeks to think about things.


Get on with your life and if he is in it; great, if not; someone else will be.

[IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat]

Well done for being strong. I know how much it hurts but think of this way, better now than throw away YEARS of your life on the dickhead.

[bridgetjonesislovely]

oh hell yes been there done that got that T shirt and gave it away to charity 18 months ago and I am so not getting it back