Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I know you shouldn't snoop but ...

12 replies

flower1988 · 13/08/2010 05:29

I did.

And I know I am going to get flamed for it but I found something.

My OH has become suspiciously guarded with his phone and after a series of nights out and not coming home and secretive texts I have been worried.

So I just looked at his phone ... I know I shouldn't have. Anyway, I didn't find anything from any other women like I thought I would but on his recent calls was "Coke Dealer" and one of his texts to his boss (who he's matey with) was about a dealer too ....

I am in complete shock, we are having a baby due in 5 weeks. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm going to have to admit to looking and just ask him about it.

Sorry to ramble. I am just so shocked I am shaking ....

OP posts:

Report

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 05:38

Well, you snooped because he was acting oddly. I would understand if my husband snooped through my phone if my behaviour had suddenly changed, for what that's worth. So, no flaming here.

Do you mean there's someone in his phone labelled as "Coke Dealer" or is it another name but you know that's a coke dealer? It seems very, very odd that someone would list Coke Dealer in their contacts. And what did the text say? Are there other things that make you suspect coke is involved? Like, do you have shared accounts or access to his, because it's obviously a very expensive drug.

Report

yousaidit · 13/08/2010 05:41

Well, his behaviour has given you reason to be suspicious, hasn't it? So your defense, if you feel you need it, was that his behaviour was so secretive t was obvious that something wasn't quite right.

Definately have it out with him. Two friends dh's use coke, one for 'recreation' and one was a constant, blowing his spare cash and then some sort of user. They've split up. Other people may post advising how they have found this sort of issue affects them in different ways, but from my friends experiences it's not good: it saps finances (not good with dc on way), personality and destroys trust for various reasons.

FWIW, if this was my dh, i would flame him and offer him the door. I find drugs totally unnacceptable, especially when adults should know better (ie they have no major issues that have caused them to take such an avenue)

Report

flower1988 · 13/08/2010 05:43

We don't have shared accounts, everything is done separately.

He had called someone labelled "Coke Dealer" ... I know it's really odd. And he said to his boss something about "X is my dealer at the ..."

He's done coke before. And I know he mentioned his boss does it sometimes. I don't know what to do, am considering waking him up right now and saying something.

Sorry to completely ramble. I'm just in complete shock and don't know what to do (even though I know no one can tell me the answer!!)

OP posts:

Report

yousaidit · 13/08/2010 05:44

Sorry, but are you ok flower1988? Forgot to ask!

What about the other points? This is after a series of nights out and not coming home? Is it a new work environment or new staff that are creating a change in atmosphere that your dh feels he either has to keep up with or has got swept up with? (not that this iks a brilliant excuse, adults should surely be able to say 'No thanks mate'?)

When he has not come home do you know where he has been abd have been happy with this or has none of this been an issue?

Report

whomovedmychocolate · 13/08/2010 05:46

Bloody hell. He's either entirely thick or having a larf! If the police search him and look at his phone and he has 'coke dealer' listed he's going to be stuffed

Yes talk to him. You are having a child with him. You need to know.

Check all your bank statements also.

Report

flower1988 · 13/08/2010 05:47

Thanks yousaidit. I'm ok. Shocked!

He's told me where he's been when he's not come home, not entirely sure I believe him (that's what started all my suspicions) - he started his job just under a year ago but is always out with clients etc.

He says now I'm not working (due to pg) he needs to work twice as hard and so makes me feel guilty about it.

On Monday he said he was working late but on FB someone has out "you should have stayed out with us" .... this combined with all the other things made me finally snoop....

OP posts:

Report

yousaidit · 13/08/2010 05:52

might be best to wait til he gots home from work rather than going out to work? Looks like this could be a multi point bollocking? From the little bits of info n your posts I'm guessing that your dh works in an environment with other 'reps' (assuming this if he has clients) where he's working with other blokes cmpeting for targets and its a'work hard, play hard' sort of place? If so, you'll possibly have a bit f a battle on your hands to get him to not join in that sort of atmosphere.

But with dc on the way, he either sharpens up or faces you dealing with dc while he's knackered after being out partying and coked... not a good combination on top of teh sheer hard work new babas can be...

Report

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 06:10

Don't wake him up yet, you need to decide what outcome you want.

If he's done coke once or twice but not regularly, is that ok with you? Or are you zero tolerance? When the baby comes, do you have an agreement about working hours and social life? I always think it's a good idea generally to discuss how the finances are going to work, how you're going to negotiate social time apart, working hours, that sort of thing. It's often a pattern that men start "working" really long hours after a baby arrives, leaving you to do all the hard work in the early months.

So, assuming he's going to say you're paranoid, etc., decide what you need from him - transparent finances? An agreement that he won't stay out after X o'clock? Some way of assuring you that he doesn't and will never do coke again (given that you already know he has done before)?

Report

flower1988 · 13/08/2010 06:17

Obviously the coke bothers me - but it's the lying and deceitfulness that really upsets me. We had a rocky start to our relationship and him hiding things again brings it all back ... I'm not having it being like it was in the beginning.

I would like him to come home before midnight - but I know he'll say he can't always do that. I'd like to know what he puts on his credit card - it is supposed to be all claimed back as expenses but we currently owe a lot of money on it (and have used savings to pay it off once already).

From reading back all I've written I'm finding it hard to see why I'm with him to be honest. But I can't see myself walking out with 5 weeks to go before DC arrives.

OP posts:

Report

BrittanyBeers · 13/08/2010 19:10

Are you sure "dealer" isn't a euphamism for "lover"?

I cannot imagine anyone would actualy put their dealer's name under "dealer".

If it is drugs, tell him you can tell by his eyes etc he's on them and you want him to STOP!