dh won't discuss our problems until we are before a counsellor

[DeathandTaxes]

This could take several weeks.

He claims that I dismiss what he says when he talks about the problems in our marriage.

I probably disagree with him on what he thinks are the problems, but that is not the same thing as dismissal?

So now I am in limbo. I feel so stressed that I have a knot in my stomach, my throat feels constricted and I cannot eat.

Most couples I know have normal domestics, a bit of raised voices, heated exchanges, maybe a bit of sulking and then things go back to normal.

Not us. We have "polite" rows, my dh pretends that he is not all that annoyed, (because he generally has no real reason to be) but then he simmers anyway and sulks terribly for a day or two, which I find really stressful, then after about 6 months of this it all comes crumbling down, and all the simmering resentment in him comes to the fore.

Then he decides that things are so bad that we need a counsellor and we cannot talk it our ourselves, that we are unable to have a robust exchange of views, because what he has to say about my part in our problems is so bad, apparently , that I would either dismiss it or get too upset.

So I am stuck until counselling. And then when we get to that, the Counsellor will just listen and say nicely that our viewpoints are equally valid and we have to meet somewhere in the middle, which is all very nice and all, but never gets to the root of our problem, which is he simmering resentment towards me.

[hettie]

sounds like a horrible waiting time for you, But .....if you do see a counsellor who treats you in the way you have just posted- please ask for a diff counsellor- they are supposed to use a number of techniquesto help you resolve problems (noy just listen nicely). if they can't they are not suitable for you....
hoe it goes ok

[happysmiley]

That sounds to me like a perfectly valid issue to discuss with the counsellor. If your DH can't talk to you directly about his issues and concerns, that in itself is a problem and the counsellor should be trying to help you both address that.

[DeathandTaxes]

Good point Happy - Never thought of that, it is a problem in itself.

Hettie - Problem is it will be the same lady we had in previous times, she is the only lady in our area, (30 mins drive from our home) and we cannot go further afield, as that would invlove travelling over an hour to get there, and with 5 kids and work etc that is not feasible.

[happysmiley]

Did you raise the fact that your DH won't talk to you about things that bother him with her before? If you did, did she help you talk about it? If you haven't, it's worth giving her a chance as she can only deal with things she knows about.

[happysmiley]

OK, I've just read your other thread and seen that you've been twice for councelling and nothing's changed. Is it time to call it quits? Maybe you want to go one last time, just to be sure, but really, what are you getting out of this if you are just going over the same old ground and getting nowhere?

[DeathandTaxes]

Happysmiley - Just got back to the thread now after a day out with the dc.

Yes, I am giving in one more shot - If we cant sort things this time around then I think it is time to start thinking about separation.

Though I know if I do that, my dc will be devastated, and I will feel that I have failed them.

I would probably never forgive myself for it, even though I know that I have tried, and am trying, very hard to work through this.

[Tortington]

did your previous counselling sessions not cover listening and talking techniques?

seems basic stuff but even just saying " ive heard and understood what you say" is a simple acknowledgement that you have heard and understood them - not necessarily agree with them.

that kind of thing. perhaps it is something that you should ask about specifically

[DeathandTaxes]

Custardo thanks I will do that. We never had any guidance on communication techniques at all, and I know that we get ourselves tied up in verbal knots that lead us nowhere, something as basic as that could maybe really help us to at least avoid the worst of the rows.

[2rebecca]

If the alternative is divorce (which can be expensive) is there a private counsellor?
It sounds as though this isn't going to work if you've tried twice before.
I hate arguments, but also hate sulking. Regular raised voices or huge rows after simmering resentment would both have me wanting to leave.
Talking about things without shouting or sulking is another alternative.
Do you get too upset?
Some people do find arguing difficult and take all comments personally, rather than the "obstacles to be overcome" type approach.
Debating clubs/ speaking clubs can be good at helping people disagree and argue without getting emotional and shouty.

[happysmiley]

I understand that you want to give it one last shot before doing something as drastic as calling a day on your marriage. Personally though, at this stage I would make it very clear to DH that if a third attempt at counselling failed, it would mean separation. It may be the kick up the arse he needs to actually take this seriously and go through with it to the end.

On your other attempts, did you stop counselling when you thought the issues were resolved and then find out later that you were mistaken? Or did you give up before you were happy that the outcome was successful?

[DeathandTaxes]

2Rebecca - I do get overly sensitive in a row as I cannot BEAR any criticism that I feel is unfair.

I think I will look at getting a private counsellor, ti could indeed save us money in the long run.

[DeathandTaxes]

Happysmiley - We thought we were back on track, though I had niggling suspicions that we hadnt delved deep enough, especially into my dh drinking problems (not alcoholic as such but has to watch himself as he doesnt know when to stop when in certain company)
I sensed he had had enough of the sessions and was hopeful that we were ok, but I made a mistake there as we obviously had only scratched the surface.

[happysmiley]

Your sensing that he'd had enough and feeling you had to give up even though you sensing that you hadn't gone deep enough doesn't sound promising. It makes me think that he'll have the counselling to keep you quiet and give the impression he'll work to save your relationship, but when push comes to shove, he isn't willing to do anything substantive to improve things between you.

[2rebecca]

Not being able to bear any criticism you feel is unjust would be a problem. After all if he finds something in the relationship a problem then it is a problem. Whether or not you feel it's something you want to change is a different matter, but if he says "I'm not happy with you doing x" and you get immediately upset it isn't going to sort out the problem of him feeling unhappy when you do x, even if you feel doing x is a reasonable course of action.

[DeathandTaxes]

2Rebecca - I take your point. I am not hypersensitive to all criticism, as I am fairly honest with myself about my faults, but it is when he says things in rows or counselling that I know to be untrue, indeed ridiculous claims such as "You never want to go out or do anything anymore"(from him) when we have been out with friends or on our own 3 to 4 times every month.

[MorrisZapp]

From what you've said on here alone (don't know the background) I think your DH has a right to wait until counselling, if you are likely to just get angry/ upset/ tearful when he addresses you directly about how he feels.

Otherwise, these conversations you are having aren't actually a two way street, it is just a chance for you to offload all your issues with him, and for him to keep shtum about his own greivances as he knows you'll kick off if you he speaks freely.

I apologise if I've got the total wrong end of the stick. I am familiar with this issue as my mum is the type who always wants to 'talk frankly' and 'just be honest for god's sake instead of bottling it up', when in reality what she really wants is to have a go at others and never be criticised herself. The honesty and frankness suddenly becomes much less desirable when used towards her. Of course this may be nothing at all like your own dynamic. Good luck.

[DeathandTaxes]

I dont think I am like that though Morriszapp, (s'pose I would say that though wouldnt I)
I do think that my efforts to make keep the lines of communication in my marriage open have been frustrated by my dh saying that he cannot tell me what our problems are until we see the counsellor as I will just dismiss what he says.

Obviously I dont accept that. I would most likely disagree with what he says, but is that the same as dismissing? and surely in any healthy long term marriage the couple should be able to have robust arguments and differences of opinion but still be able to respect the other persons point of view, rather than denying them the chance to agree or disagree with you because you dont want to be "dismissed".

I hate to be criticised by him, because I think that his view of reality is very distorted. For eg, one of his gripes is that I try and control him and dont give him enough freedom, yet all our mutual friends, (the men included) all agree that my dh has a great time of it getting out to play golf every week, to the pub every week, and away on lads holidays or golfing weekends 2 to 3 times a year..so when he levels that one at me i do not take it very well!