Update on Finerthings SIL

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Ok I've sent her:
her thread, reality's "relationship cheacklist", signs your dating a loser and a number of chitchat emails/texts. She's not been answering our calls either.

We've had no response from her

My dh had a phone call from mil last night telling him "it's sil life, leave her to it, and to stop encouraging her to leave"

I have no idea what to do anymore. I know only she can make the descision to leave.

[2rebecca]

Not seen previous thread, but if my SIL started interfering in my love life I wouldn't be happy. My sister could tell me (on the phone or face to face, def not in writing or impersonal text)she wasn't happy with my choice of boyfriend, but even then a "you are dating a loser" text would equate in my mind with "I am a much better judge of character than you are".
My SIL is not my sister and I wouldn't thank her for telling me I was a lousy judge of character.
You should have let your husband chat to his sister if that bothered.

[MostlyLurking]

She is intent on marrying an abuser if I remember rightly.

Finer, I think you did the right thing in trying to warn her, you have done as much as you can.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

2rebecca have a look at the previous thread "marrying an abusive partner" and you'll understand why dh and I are 'interfering'

[thefinerthingsinlife]

here it is

[2rebecca]

You said "I have sent her" not "my husband has sent her".
I still think texts are impersonal and can come across as judgemental and if you wanted her to discuss the situation and not just cut you both off your husband would have been better having a (verbal) chat with her.
A sibling trying to warn you in person is different to an inlaw sending a text message.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

rebecca my husband took a week off work and spent the whole time on the phone to her, talking things through.

Its very hard to get sil on the phone because her abusive boyfriend will sit by her and monitor the phone call. Or she will just not answer because she knows she will get questioned by him afterwards.

Thats why we text her whilst she's at work etc.

[msboogie]

given the clear lack of alternatives the OP is doing what she thinks is best and for the best of intentions

something might get through to her - if it does it will have been worth it, if it doesn't the OP and her DH will know that they didn't wring their hands and do nothing.

It's not easy but I would do the same in your shoes

[2rebecca]

I just feel if my brother spent a whole week moaning on the phone about how he hated my boyfriend and his wife followed it up with a text saying I was dating a loser it would just annoy me and destroy our relationship.
There is warning someone you care about that they may be making a mistake and you aren't happy with their choice of partner and there is being OTT about it and trying to control their love life and getting too involved in someone else's life.
A whole week on the phone to his sister telling her he didn't like her boyfriend?

[MostlyLurking]

rebecca, feel you are taking this totally out of context. Agree with boogie,I would have done the same.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

She was ringing him asking for help!!

She knows she's in a horrid relationship, she just isn't strong enough to leave.

And if you fead my op properly and if you took the time to read my previous thread you would see that i didn't text her that she was dating a loser. I sent her a link to a web page about signs you dating a loser, at no point did I say he was a loser.

My sil is in a relationship where she has been hit and is verbally abused daily. I don't know what kind of person i'd be if I just sat by and let it happen, and to be honest thats not a person i'd want to be.

All I can say is I hope no-one in your family ever goes through this and needs your help

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Thank you boogie and lurking.

I really wasn't expecting a flaming for wanting to protect someone I love

[2rebecca]

I wasn't flaming. It just seemed that you had sent an awful lot of negative texts to her, and to me the fact that she wasn't answering your calls and your MIL was telling your husband to back off was a sign that you had overdone it.
Also in your comment you said that on his week off your husband spent the whole time "on the phone to her", where as if she rang him I would have expected you to put that she spent the week "on the phone to him". If she rang him for a week wanting help and is now ignoring help that makes it different, but it still sounds as though you need to now let her make her own mind up about her boyfriend.

[Eglu]

I read your previous thread. I hope your sil sees sense before she marries this idiot.

[horsefly]

I agree with Eglu

[QueenofDreams]

2rebecca you REALLY need to read the previous thread. The op posted here asking for advice and has merely relayed that advice to her SIL. She is worried about her.

I do think that now there is nothing more to be done though op. You've done what you can - the rest is up to her. I just hope she makes the right choice.

[msboogie]

2rebecca - if you read the previous thread you might change your perspective on this, your reply is understandable on reading this thread out of context of the previous one but the rest of us have had the benefit of foreknowledge.

[buttonmoon78]

I agree with many of the above - Rebecca: stop nitpicking over your misunderstandings of what is above and ignorance of the original thread. OP already feels bad enough about 'interfering' and it not working without being flamed (which is what you are doing). Maybe she is interfering, but with the absolute best interests of the person at heart. I would be doing exactly the same in her shoes.

[Eurostar]

It sounds very sad. I suppose all you can do at this stage is remain loving so she knows that you and DH will always be there for her and, if one day she can find the strength to escape, she will perhaps turn to you and won't be worried you'll be annoyed in some way as she didn't listen in the first place - not saying you will be but you've probably seen posters on here saying things along the lines of, I can't turn to my family because they warned me and I ignored them and they won't want to know now.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Oh bugger, finerthings, I think you just need to cool off for a week or two then try a chatty phone call again. You don't want to get blacklisted so she can't contact you at all

Agree with Eurostar that you need to make sure she knows that you're not annoyed with her not taking your advice, IYSWIM.

[Anniegetyourgun]

What you've done is right and I don't think you can do more to open her eyes in a direct sense. Let it filter in, keep your fingers crossed, and be ready if she comes to you.

Just wondering if perhaps you can persuade her to spend a week or so with you, but promise beforehand that you will say nothing at all about her relationship unless she wants to discuss it? Not a week earbashing (you've done enough for now), but a week demonstrating, not too obviously, a nice normal family; where nobody hits, belittles or steals from each other and everybody does their bit; not Stepford, there may be arguments etc, just natural. Let her soak up that atmosphere for a little while, treating her with affection and consideration. If that doesn't bring it home to her that her relationship is not like this, nothing will. The best bit is that you can honestly swear to MIL that you are definitely not saying anything to turn SIL against her boyfriend.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

I've had a few emails from her last night

She says she knows that dh and I are only trying to protect her, but she is still defending him and she tries to "dodge" what we say to her.

But on the bright side she is going to spend a few days with us at the end of the summer.

Thank you all again for your imput in this.