Does anyone else feel like an outsider?

[thefinerthingsinlife]

I feel like the 'odd one out' in my family.

I have a younger sister and she is the 'favourite' (it has been helpfully pointed out by others ) It has really come to at head atm because my grandad past away, we've just had his funneral.

Little things like telling me not to visit my gdad in hospital before he died, but then arranging to go over with my sister. I told my dad I wanted to see my gdad at the chapel of rest to say goodbye, he told me he would ring and let me know what time, he never did, so i rang and asked whats happening and my dad told me that he and my sister went that morning and told me not to bother going .

When my dh and i got married my parents told me they weren't going to pay for it, (I didn't expect them to) They did end up giving us £500 after being guilted into it by their friends. Fast forward to today and my sister is getting married and my parents are paying for the whole thing.

My dad and sister make digs at me like "dont know why your doing your studying, you'll never get anywhere" or make money related comments, my dh is a solicitor so we are comfortable, but when i showed them the house we were looking to move to I got comments like "dream on" "oh look finerthings is getting above her station again"

I am probally being sensitive but it's really getting me down

[FranSanDisco]

They sound awful and a little jealous. In my family we all take turns in being the odd one out . I prefer it when we're not all together as my mum does play us off a little. I try to ignore it and concentrate on my own family.

[Rocklover]

Actually, I don't think you are being oversensitive and I can tell you right now if my parents and sister said those sorts of things to me I'd be devastated and angry.

First of all, you need to let all their little digs at you go over your head, you know yourself and your capabilities far better than they do and so they have no right to comment.

I suppose there are 2 options for you at the moment, to sit them down and confront them, explaining how their behaviour is making you feel. Or distancing yourself from them for a while so that you don't have to deal with with the stress of their comments whilst you are studying.

I am not an expert, so please feel free to take my advice with a pinch of salt; i'm sure someone more qualified will be along soon. Also, for what it's worth, you sound like a very intelligent and grounded woman, so please don't let your family make you think less of yourself.

[AMumInScotland]

You're not being sensitive, they're being nasty. Sorry to hear about your gdad, their behaviour must have hurt a lot at an emotional time.

If they've always been like this, then I don't think you'll be able to change them. So you either have to find ways of not feeling hurt by them, or see them less (or not at all) to give them less opportunity.

[helicopterview]

That kind of favoritism is completely out of order. How hard is it for parents to say 'I love you both equally'?

Are you both biological children, of the same parents? Were you both planned babies? What's the age gap? Have you both left home, or is little sister still at home? Are there any other siblings?

Just looking for clues...

Do you think they know how upset you feel?

[thefinerthingsinlife]

I know that there is no point in telling them how I feel, they will tell me to stop being stupid.

We are both biological, both wanted afaik, my sister is 2 years younger than me, we have both left home, ans we have no other siblings.

I don't think they know how much it hurts me.

The last few months I have been distancing myself from them, because its got too much

[Lawrene8]

Hi - I feel just the same but unfortunatley have not got any helpful advice for you at all. My parents ahve always made it clear that not only is my brother preferable to me, my cousins are as well!!

I'm trying not to let it bother me by restricting the amount of time I spend with them all. I have come to the conclusion that they will not change and I think it may well be the same for you as well if it has always gone on.

I guess you just need to concentrate on your own family and distance yourself a bit more. Sorry I've nothing more helpful to offer!

[Octavia09]

They sound miserable to me. Knowing how they behave and react stop telling them everything you do and you plan. Start being misterious and they come to you. Real friend will not forget you.

A question: have you every done anything bad to your parents or your sister? Things happen in life. If not then as I said just forget about them.

I do understand how you feel. When I see my older kid being naughty to the younger one I feel pain inside. I do not want them to grow up and have siblings rivalry. I want them to love each other. Hard, yeah.

Just concentrate on your own family as the others say. Be nice to them, do not show how you feel (they might get pleasure) and do not tel them about your studies, house etc.

[helicopterview]

I think it's a terrible shame when people are not told how worthy they are by their parents, and the danger is it stays with them through life.

However I do think it's important and quite possible to get your emotional nourishment, and feeling of worthiness from a variety of places.

Hopefully your dh gives you plenty of positive feedback. Let him know how you feel and tell him you value his praise.

Let your friends know how you feel, I am sure they will reassure you that you are a wonderful friend.

And if you work, surround yourself with positive people.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

I've not done anything, obviously I was a bit of a handful when i was a teen (nothing serious, just staying out late, the usual

My dh is the bestest dh i could ask for, he alwyas tells me that he's proud of me etc. He is so cross with my parents, and he over compensates (sp) for there lack of love. Ie my birthday just gone, my dad turned up at 6pm on my birthday shoved a tescos gift card at me and left, so my dh went to the cupboard and got out an extra bag of birthday gift and told me he got them cos he knew my parents would do that

[YunoYurbubson]

I think you need to call them on it. No need for a big showdown, but when they say or do hurtful things, calmy and politely say "that is a hurtful thing to say" or "I thought you were going to call me - I feel left out of the arrangements".

My parents perpetually ignore me while clucking around my brother because, as they often tell me, "we know we don't have to worry about you Yuno, you're fine." Hmm... well I suppose so, but a crumb of interest wouldn't go amiss once in a while.

[ShadeofViolet]

They sound like really spiteful people, and I agree you need to say something, just little comments like Yuno says, no need for a full blown arguement - shame them into feeling bad. Its not the same but we grew up eating really shite food so now I am a bit picky about what my children eat. My Mum and sister think this is hilarious and often make little digs. I have made a few little comments and although it hasnt stopped altogether they dont make as many 'stuck up' comments as they used to.

Sorry to hear about your Grandad

[clam]

I agree that this must be very hurtful. Hard to know why they do it, but I guess you have two options: call them on it, and ask them why (although I think I'd die rather than do this!); or, rejoice in the fact that you've got a star of a husband and that he and your DCs are your family now and they are what count.

Whilst my case is not exactly the same, I've nonetheless got a mother who is off the Richter scale in terms of tactlessness and (I hope) unwittingly hurtful remarks. I'm a past-master at protecting myself from it - I have a wall worthy of Hadrian - but once in a blue moon she'll touch a nerve and it pierces to the core. DH and DCs get me through it. And bitching confiding in my sister who suffers the same way.

I sympathise.

[lazarusb]

I'm so sorry for you Losing your Grandad is awful and it's a shame your family didn't support you. I'd definitely ask them too I think, they are behaving in a disgusting way and you are right to be angry. (I'd be furious). Definitely count your blessings but don't let this continue, if not for you then for your dcs.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Thank you everyone for making me see that i'm not being over-sensitive.

I'm going to keep distancing myself from them but on the odd times i do see them and they make comments i'm going to try and call them on it

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi the finerthings,

I was most sorry to read of your Grandad's passing. Your Dad should really hang his head in shame over his behaviour but these people do not think they have done anything wrong. I would call them on it and if that does not work I would tell these people that if they have not got anything nice to say then they should not be saying anything. Let them sulk, they most likely will if you say that.

No you are not being overtly sensitive at all. Absolutely not.

I would concentrate primarily on your own family unit and distance yourself emotionally from these awful sounding people. You seem to be the "scapegoat" in that particular dysfunctional family unit. You would not tolerate such behaviour from a friend, family are no different in this regard.

I can certainly relate to Yuno's comment made below:-

"My parents perpetually ignore me while clucking around my brother because, as they often tell me, "we know we don't have to worry about you Yuno, you're fine." Hmm... well I suppose so, but a crumb of interest wouldn't go amiss once in a while".

My parents "trusted" (I now realise more like left) me to get on with it when I was a teen.

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Thank you attila your message made me feel much better about it all