Am feeling a bit sick with making a house move decision

[underthewater1]

Help me!

I've made a bad house buy decision previously and now trying to get out of it. Moved from naice bit of London to naice small commuter town in Surrey. We moved here as we knew a few people here plus commute ok and could get a house not a flat. I have had the worst two years of my life here! I had a baby shortly after moving though I now know my feelings were more to do with the move than becoming a mum as 2 years on I still feel fairly (a lot) depressed. I just feel so lonely here. I do know people here but never quite clicked with anyone. Plus I dread days with little one as I have to think about how I'm going to pass the day.

Soo...good news is we are moving. Bad news is not quite sure where. And I'm really stressed about making another bad decision. Plus now we have small person to think about so not so easy to keep moving.

Problem is we could move back into London a bit where still know some people, just about afford a house, good schools, like the area and feel like I'm not going to die a slow death there. And loads and loads for little one to do, now and as he grows.

BUT! parents are the other side. So alternative is moving to either another small commuter town but being much nearer to my (ageing) parents. However won't know anyone there. But cheaper, commute still good, schools good.

Final option is a university town. Again won't know anyone there, and is expensive, and don't know it at all or anyone there, but would be nearer parents. Commute longer too. Not sure about schools yet. This probably would be my preferred option over another small town, but I'm still so worried about feeling the same way :(

What would you do? I'm an only child. My parents are not getting any younger and I feel like I should be closer (and would love to just be able to drive over for the day rather than a whole weekend). But other than them being that side of the M25 I would have no reason to go that way. I wouldn't see them every day as they would still be 1-1.5hr away! but much closer than 2-3 hours away. They don't helpl with childcare. It's more a case of me assisting them if they ever need it in later years, and also just to see them more.

They have said they may move to Wiltshire/Somerset which would be great, as it would mean they would be the right side for me to get to them quicker, but I don't think they really want to, and I don't think they will in reality.

Thanks very much for any words of wisdom.

[mandy214]

Are you sure that your feelings are location related rather than the shock of becoming a parent and all the sacrifices you have to make? Just because it sounds very much like you miss the lifestyle that you obviously had in London, and to be honest that is probably gone now whether you return to London or not. I think maternity leave (and the stage you’re at now) can be quite lonely if you don’t have local friends. You need to do a bit more research I would say about “family oriented” areas – whether that be London, commutersville, suburbia. I don’t think its as black and white as saying there is lots going on in London and nowhere else. We moved to somewhere where I knew no-one when we had 3yr olds and I was pregnant. The area was a “nice” area where people without any connection to the area previously chose to move to (if that makes sense) so there were lots of other people in the same boat – i.e. wanting to make friends. It is also renowned for its school so it pulls families in from all over the place – so a million and one things going on all day every day for children / babies / toddlers etc. The place we’d been in before was OK, but not really somewhere you’d choose unless you came from there & wanted to return / had family there / had never moved away. It was quite hard to make friends there.

To be honest, I wouldn't necessarily move closer to my parents if there was a possibility that they would move in any case. Take your time, visit lots of places, (it does sound a bit like you're picking towns at random!)post on here for local residents who will be honest about the places you’re considering. Good luck!

[Roseandbee]

I'd suggest u write down what makes you unhappy about where you live at the moment and what you want from your move or how you hope to improve things. Really pinpoint the mistake you think you have made with this move. feel free to share these motivations as to be honest from your current post it seems all a bit confused & hard to advise.

[cestlavielife]

are you working? go back to work and put child in nursery - it will get you out the house and get you chance to get to know other kids too.
i dont think moving is necessarily the answer - the grass wont be greener when you get there you will still have to work really hard to get out and make friends in a new place.

it's better when kids at school more parties/play dates happen.
why don't you go back to work or do something locally like volunteering - to get to know more people - and leave baby in a creche some of the time?

[dynevoran]

I would totally say move back to London. But the thing that is stopping me is that I very recently lost my father and I hate being 3 hours away from my mum. To be an hour away would be amazing. So I'd be torn. I think 40 mins away would be worth not being in London. 1.5 hours is maybe too far to sacrifice the London life you miss.

[PonderousTortoise]

I sympathise OP. We moved once within London when DC were small, and then a year ago out of London (a long way!). I haven't settled and I'm 90% convinced our new location is just not right for me but scared of moving again and just feeling the same. I miss London a lot, but don't want to return there.

We're now looking at moving to a place where again I won't know anyone BUT it is nearer my 'home turf' (hour or so away from parents, handful of old friends etc scattered around this area and where I grew up and feel comfortable). It would also be better for DP's weekend hobby and working away so I wouldn't feel so isolated.

However, I'm come to think that one of the most important things is just finding somewhere where I feel 'at home', rather than getting too tangled in pros and cons and sensible decisions. Although Ive only visited this place once I did feel like that. I think you can make friends and find things to do in lots of places but if you constantly feel somehow out of place it will always feel a bit difficult. So visiting lots of places and trusting yourself to know where you'll be happiest would be my advice. (Although I know I am luckier than most in the respect that we have quite a lot of freedom in where to live, that not everyone does).

Having said that, some of what you talk about really does sound like just the pressures of being a mother, losing your identity, your world getti smaller, revolving around a child. Wherever you are and however you feel about the place, I think you will feel better if you can find some good interests/endeavours for you that really make you feel good about yourself as an individual, and not jsut a mother. (If you haven't already?)

[underthewater1]

thanks for posts.

yes i am working - part time and this helps. I thought it would make things ok, but I now still hate being here on the other days.

The things I dislike about where I am;
a bit Surrey - lots of range rovers and big, characterless houses
town very drab and uninspiring
not many like-minded people around - maybe I've just been unlucky though, and I do have some friends here so it's not all bad!
miss my old life - yes true, I'm sure if we had stayed in London it would have been hard, but I don't think I would have felt so isolated
Have to drive everywhere
miss being near my mum

What I'd like from the move - just to feel at home and happier!
In a place with a bit of "buzz" - it doesn't have to be smart bars and restaurants, but I do like a bit of community spirit, some independent shops
Love access to green space
Good schools
Other parents who are similar in lifestyle I guess
A range of facilities in walking distance - like baby groups, swimming pool, park, coffee shop etc
Not to feel so lonely - this is why I feel like I want to move closer to my parents

I do miss London but I also think perhaps it is too busy - but I just can't find anywhere in the commuter belt that I think I would like to settle down.

I just feel torn in wanting to be a bit selfish and move somewhere where I think I would feel more "at home" (and maybe less lonely/isolated) or move somewhere where I wouldn't choose to, but would be nearer to my parents.


Ponderous - I wish I could find that place near London that feels "like home" - I'm very much that sort of person. One of my friends just does not get it. She's very practical and thinks in terms of 3 beds - tick, walk to station - tick, school ok - tick. Fine.

I am finding it really hard - and I know a lot of other people do to - of living and working in London for so long, then having a family - and your priorities change. But you are still tied to London (DH works there and no chance of moving jobs) so we either have to live in commuter belt or in London. There are lots of places I would love to live but we cannot because we need to be near London.

If this sounds a bit confused it's probably because I am.
Anyway thanks for thoughts - it makes me feel a bit less alone and confused!! I need ot also try and put this into perspective. Its taking over my life and it really shouldn't.

[cestlavielife]

Where are the places you would love to live ?