can switching schools end bullying if the victim has good social skills?

[lingle]

My son's best friend will be 8 on 30th August. Somehow, he has become "the child who is picked on" in his single-entry form school.

There's been teasing and a general difficulty in making friends for 18 months apparently, but now he is telling his parents he's scared to go into the playground. Five kids pick on him and it gets physical. He has one friend who recently started being afraid to play with him.

He's got some slight immaturities for his age - he isn't really into the verbal repartee and word-play that my son and his friends engage in, for instance, and he'd love to spend his time playing trains, if it wasn't that he'd be teased for it. And he's gentle and quiet. But it's so strange - I would have described him as having good social skills - he has no problems making and sustaining friendships with kids outside his school - he's still best mates with my son and another boy from pre-school days. He doesn't have any problems with sense of personal space, doesn't make life awkward for other kids - nothing to identify him as victim - maybe he's almost too well-behaved and doesn't "get" mischievousness, plus he's the baby of the class....

It's a good school but they haven't got on top of this. He's had Christmas cards with rude messsages in them; when his photo appeared on a slide show of a school trip, the kids sniggered - it sounds really horrible.

So, sorry for long preamble - could a simple change of schools work for this child? Is even a good head at his existing school going to be able to change his identity as "the one to pick on" now? Is there any evidence from anti-bullying organisations,etc? His problems would have been less severe if he'd been born two days later and put in the year below - a switch to a 1.5 year entry intake in another schoolcould mean he was one of the older ones in a year 3-4 class, rather than eternally the baby.

If there is any evidence, or a relevant organisation, I'd be glad to point my friend in its direction.

[mummytime]

I would say do change schools, that one is obviously hopeless at dealing with bullying. It is not a good school, it may have good exam results but it is failing badly.

I would just move him asap to a school which takes bullying seriously.

[IndigoBell]

Definately move him. What have you got to lose? Things can't really get any worse....

[MrsSeanBean]

It sounds to me that a fresh start would be a good idea.

[AnnieLobeseder]

There was a girl like this at my high school. Always picked on, no friends, very average academically.

She moved schools and absolutely blossomed, ended up being incredibly popular, was head girl and went on to study medicine.

Once a child 'isn't cool' to be friends with, I don't think it ever goes away no matter how hard the school and parents try to fix the situation.

[nickschick]

As a mum who has had a child bullied although this was a teacher bullying him - yes I think a change of school will work but regardless of social skills he needs to be taught and be confident in using anti bullying techniques-I know to some particularly if you yourself have a child being bullied my next phrase will seem quite hard - trust me I dont intend it to be ....a child can only be bullied if he allows himself to be bullied.

Good social skills are the ability to turn around on a situation -not neccesarily with fists although that sometimes becomes the shock factor that works - but with smart come back and the confidence to actually turn the situation into 'and i care? why'.

Hopefully a new school where he is guided appropriately and new friendships are encouraged will be a fabulous fresh start for him,but some children seem to carry 'a kick me' look that means they are bullied throughout-if this appears to be the case then you need to build up self esteem and really watch the child.

[katycarr]

yes it can

[lingle]

"Once a child 'isn't cool' to be friends with, I don't think it ever goes away no matter how hard the school and parents try to fix the situation."
This is my feeling too, thinking back to our playground as a child. He's got his identity now at that school and it will be hard to change it.

"Good social skills are the ability to turn around on a situation.....with smart come back and the confidence to actually turn the situation into 'and i care? why'."
hmm, very helpful, yes, on this reading, perhaps he doesn't have "social skills" - he has the skills to be good friends with people who are already nice to him.

Very helpful answers, thanks. I'll have to wait till my friend asks what I think about him moving, then I can say the right thing (I did already say something but we were both drunk so I don't think that counts as speaking out of turn, IYKWIM)

[nickschick]

Its a shit that kids have to endure these mind games so very young theres always been bullying even when I was a child but now it seems so much nastier.

[oldandgreynow]

My DD had been bullied at her very small school pretty much since reception.It had got to a stage where it was making her ill.she wouldn't speak to people.The bullies behaviour had become so entrenched and the school,while making all the right noises were pathetic.The GP told us to move her straight away.She changed in Y4 to similar sized school and settled in and made friends from day 1.For months she kept saying.'I don't know why they like me so much' Poor little thing had come to teh conclusion that she was unlikeable.
We still live near the bullies from her old school but now she has the confidence to stand up to them and now they all want to be friends with her.

[CantSupinate]

I attended 2 primary schools and 2 secondary schools. I was bullied very badly at the second primary school.
Not at all at the others.
Nor at Uni, nor at any of my many work places.
And I don't think anyone would ever say I had good social skills, either!

[ShellingPeas]

I would suggest they move him as the school seems ineffective in their dealing with the bullying.

My DD (7, Year 3) had some bullying and bore the brunt of some jockeying for social position this year (apparently Year 3 is notorious for this) but the school dealt with it very well and she is now back to a well liked child and the bullying has stopped.

It seems that this school is inadequate in their dealing with the issues and that the child will be much happier elsewhere. If my DD had continued to bear the brunt of unpleasant behaviour I would have moved her very quickly!