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school will "only listen if parents complain"

sanae · 2009-06-16 17:01:37

- well that's what my DD is saying. Now in 3rd school due to job moves. She has settled in very well, good group of nice friends. There seems to be one girl in the class that she has "issues" with - apparently this girl has accused my DD and her friends of bullying her - verbal, not letting her play with them etc, nothing physical. She(the other girl) has other friends in the class so it's not like she has no-one else to play with. Apparently her mother has been into the headmistress and now they are all being watched to see how they play and are being told they must be friends. I don't see why my DD should have to be friends with someone she obviously doesn't like and has been quite unpleasant to her, although I have always told her she mustn't be unpleasant and to try to ignore nasty behaviour, or to be nice and win the moral high ground. I am sure there is fault on both sides, but DD (and my other 2) say the school will take sides if a parent complains and that my DD and her friends are disadvantaged because I haven't made a fuss. This really is unusual for my DD to want me to speak to the teacher- I haven't had anything like it in her previous 2 schools and she is usually quiet and well behaved at school. I have always expected my children to "fight their own battles" and I feel a bit precious going into school to sort out friendship issues. What do you think?

6 replies

sanae · 16/06/2009 18:01

well that's what my DD is saying. Now in 3rd school due to job moves. She has settled in very well, good group of nice friends. There seems to be one girl in the class that she has "issues" with - apparently this girl has accused my DD and her friends of bullying her - verbal, not letting her play with them etc, nothing physical. She(the other girl) has other friends in the class so it's not like she has no-one else to play with. Apparently her mother has been into the headmistress and now they are all being watched to see how they play and are being told they must be friends. I don't see why my DD should have to be friends with someone she obviously doesn't like and has been quite unpleasant to her, although I have always told her she mustn't be unpleasant and to try to ignore nasty behaviour, or to be nice and win the moral high ground. I am sure there is fault on both sides, but DD (and my other 2) say the school will take sides if a parent complains and that my DD and her friends are disadvantaged because I haven't made a fuss. This really is unusual for my DD to want me to speak to the teacher- I haven't had anything like it in her previous 2 schools and she is usually quiet and well behaved at school. I have always expected my children to "fight their own battles" and I feel a bit precious going into school to sort out friendship issues. What do you think?

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PortAndLemon · 16/06/2009 18:14

How old is she?

TBH, from an outside viewpoint it sounds as though the school are handling it quite well.

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sanae · 16/06/2009 18:34

She is 10. I suppose it is the fact that she is told that they have to be friends and play with each other despite the fact that this girl is supposedly being unpleasant to my child. But the question was really should I just let the school sort it or would other people intervene on their child's behalf. I am not someone that tends to go into school lightly but she is asking me to.

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SammyK · 16/06/2009 18:39

Telling 10 year olds to play together ncely and be friends? Five year olds maybe but not 10yr olds.

I think it's good the teachers are watching them, they will soon notice who is behaving kindly and who isn't.

I would pop into school, just to say your DD is bothered by the situation and you are glad they are on top of it.

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wannaBe · 16/06/2009 18:46

tbh I think it depends what the other girl has been telling her parents that has led them to go into school.

If the other girl has gone home and told parents that she is being bullied by this group of girls, then the parents do have a right to go in and talk to the teacher about it. If I thought my child was being bullied then I would go in and talk to someone, and I would want them to be keeping an eye on the situation.

Let's not forget that the girl has made the alagation against your dd and her friends, not the other way around. So the school have no reason to believe that the other girl is unpleasant as well (if she really is and if the other children aren't just saying that to justify their treatment of her.)

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sanae · 16/06/2009 18:48

I hope you are right. Both DD and my 11Y old son have previously made the odd comment about the school being overly influenced by parents who make a noise - they haven't said this about their previous 2 schools which is why it is making me wonder. It is so difficult to know what the truth is, I don't want to make things worse. Only the other day the headmistress approached me about an incident where someone else's children had found and eaten my daughter's cake(had fallen out of her bag). I wasn't at all bothered about it and felt it was just kids being kids and laughed a bit - she seemed to think it was serious and had obviously expected I might be very annoyed. Made me wonder a bit whether there had been a lot of parents complaining about things and making them oversensitive.

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sanae · 16/06/2009 18:54

But wannaBE, my child is saying that it is the OTHER child being unpleasant(can call it bullying if want but I doubt that what I would call bullying is really happening on either side) and that the school won't listen to their side - so if one parent has complained and the other not they are obviously getting a biased view. So should I go in then if they won't listen to my child? - there are just things I'm hearing about how the school handle things which are making me concerned. But how will I ever know? And, no, I don't think the other mum is approachable, in fact my DD and her friend has said that she has glared at them in the playground!