'Overlooked' children - how to deal with it?

[NovelGazing]

Mainly me, rather than dd...
She is 7, bright, bit quirky, chatty but waffly, not cool, quite young for her age. Despite being bright, she always spends the first term in the middle ability groups until the teacher notices her, when she is put into the top group. She never gets parts in plays/productions or wins anything. She is usually one of the last in the class to get the teachers award. She is one of the 'invisible' children, who behaves, achieves, doesn't cause trouble nor shines.
She is mostly fine with it, in fact, only occasionally grumbling that it is never her that gets to do stuff. Me? It makes me feel so sad for her. Now, I know I am not going to be able to change this, unless she went to a school with mch smaller class sizes. But how do I get over my sense of 'it's not fair!' on her?
(she does do extra-curricular stuff and is quite a confident child, just not a stand out one, so I can't do more to 'help' her iykwim)
Any thoughts?

[Vinegar]

Sounds like my dd! She is not the quietest, but again is not an extrovert. She tries so hard, but is often overlooked. I was just mentioning in context of school plays in my message. Maybe they will eventually come into their own as they get older...

[NovelGazing]

Vinegar - I read your thread, and yes, I know what you mean. I think teachers have a thankless task a lot of the time, and it must be so hard to keep it fair yet practical. However, like your dd, I know my dd would feel so proud if for once, it was her!

[christywhisty]

My DS was like this and I had to make small reminders occassionally, only when it was obvious that he had been missed out of something ie not taking teddy home for good behaviour all year, when his behaviour was always very good and he was upset about it.Same at extra curricular clubs like cubs he never was asked to carry the colours at church parade, even though he was the only one who always went etc

Now at secondary school it is completely the opposite and he is House Captain, gets prizes at Prize Giving etc.
I haven't really worked out why he gets noticed in a huge secondary school, when he wasn't noticed in a small one form entry primary.

[ingles2]

Sounds like my ds2 who is only ever noticed for being ds1's brother! It's so bad that people just call him "little DS1's name!!!
It must be difficult for the teacher though because ds2 will never be the child who speaks up, puts his hand up, is first in the queue.
I've noticed that he is getting more attention though since I joined the pta / offered to help in class. Any chance you can do this?

[NovelGazing]

christywhisty - that is encouraging. DD is definitely at the stage your DS was like at primary! The thought of secondary is too scary to contemplate just yet.

Ingles - I have helped in class for two years, so I can even see it in operation. DD and a couple of other girls just tag along with everything, can't think of a time when they were singled out for anything.

I am not wishing for a starring role in a concert, just that my dd was made to feel special at school, once in a while.

[MascaraOHara]

novelgazing. mnyy dd is exactly the same and I feel exacly the same

[UnfortunatelyMe]

My dd is going to be 11 tommorow and the teacher she has now, YEAR 6 is the first that has noticed her. And dd1 has shone because of this. The teacher has noticed that dd1 is the first to be sitting, with equipment, ready to learn and that she is bright, capable and her work is good.
For all the other years she has been in the top groups, but so quiet, that noone noticed.
Sad isnt it?

[NovelGazing]

just wondering if anyone else would care to join this thread? Positive experiences most welcome, including teachers .

[imaginaryfriend]

I had a thread on something very similar re. my dd, 6, Year 1. She's been at the school since nursery age 3 and has never even been given a tambourine to bash at any of the school events and there are many as the school excels in music. She's also in the top group, works well, tries hard, is co-operative but quiet. And, I think, gets mostly overlooked. She rarely gets her name on the good behaviour ladder, has never had an achievement award, etc. etc. If I thought she didn't care I'd just let it go but she actually said to me when she didn't get chosen to do anything (only about 7 kids in the class of 30 got nothing to do) in the class assembly production of Owl Babies 'it's like I'm invisible, I never get chosen for anything.'

But I don't know what one can do.

[silverbirch]

I?m not sure if I am a bit of a subversive mum but if this were me, and my child were quiet but not too shy to do this, I would encourage my child to ask the teacher if they could have a part next time ? assuming this is what the child wants.

[hotcrossbunny]

I'm a former teacher. My dd has just started in Year One, so I've not had a chance to notice yet if there are favourites.

I used to be really careful about keeping lists of who had done what in school, and tried to make sure everyone got a turn at something. Obviously not everyone can be good at all things, but there are more than enough roles for all children in different ways. No-one ever complained and I really do hope that everyone felt valued.

I'd be tempted to talk to the teacher. Maybe turn it around and say 'We'd really like to challenge dd's confidence a bit. Any chance of a small speaking part?....' Or 'Is there a problem with ds's behaviour? We notice he hasn't been awarded the prize for good behaviour ' etc etc Some teachers need a wee push I think!

[christywhisty]

When I was in year 6, I did complain to my teacher I never got any lines in the school play. He was a lovely young teacher and very approachable. He apologised and said he thought I wouldn't want any because I was quiet and fairly shy.
He wrote a special line for me to say, which was enough to make me happy.

[NovelGazing]

Thanks for replies , although it is a shame that my dd is one of many.
HCB - I think the 'problem' as it were, is not with the teacher, as dd has had 4 teachers so far during her time at school. It is just her nature that she doesn't stand out and so is easy to overlook. I expect if I were a teacher, I would acknowledge her as someone that didn't meed that little bit extra as she seems to be getting along fine. There are so many in each class, and so many strong characters or those that really do need the extra nurture, that is must be a relief to have a group of children that you don't need to think about once you go home at night.
However, I still feel sad that my dd never, or rarely, gets that 'special' feeling. She got her (only) two teachers awards for Yrs 1 and 2 in the very last week of the summer term, for being 'a kind member of the class' - that doesn't exactly make ker feel special iykwim, not when other children have been getting awards for super work or fantastic achievements - some I know have had more than 8 a year (good for them, obviously, but for my dd).
Pah! Maybe I should get her to learn a special 'party trick' that no-one else can do
Oh, and I found out this morning that dd is going to the '4th traveller' in the Christmas play. What's the betting only travellers one to three get any lines....

[Grammaticus]

DS2 is one of these. I just hope that getting badges at swimming, cubs, karate etc is enough....

Not sure it is though!

[hotcrossbunny]

Oh NovelGazing

But a good teacher should still be scrupulously fair in administering praise, whether it is 'needed' or not. Your dd is, in effect, being excluded precisely because she isn't a 'problem' child, which IMO, isn't fair. And I agree, an award for being kind doesn't really cut the mustard. Surely she has managed to accomplish a personal target at some point during the year, and that should be noticed????

Sorry, I can feel myself getting irate on your behalf

[Ivykaty44]

Grammaticus, that is why I get my dd to do some out of school clubs and activities as the clubs seem to notice her and encourage her - where as school dont seem to notice.

I have come to the conclussion that school is only part of a dc life, they have them for 6 hours a day and the other 1 hour before breakfast and the 5 hours after tea can be used to do interesting stuff where she can be noticed. (one of the reasons I hate homework, it impacks on our time)

[imaginaryfriend]

novelgazing I think it's appalling that some children got 8 awards and your dd only got 1! I feel very peeved that it's one of the same 2 or 3 who get chosen for special awards but I'd be very cross if the balance of award-giving turned out to be so unfair. And the award she received seems so impersonal.

Dd's in the 'top' group but she's not top of the top group and I wonder if she doesn't get noticed because of that? If she were in a lower group and doing really good work for that group would she get an award then?

After I spoke to the teacher about it at parents' evening she has had her name on the good behaviour chart for writing an 'excellent story' and she was really so thrilled.

I haven't a clue what will happen with the Christmas play but I hope the teacher will remember her this year.

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I worry that my DD although only 4 and in Reception will be one of the 'overlooked' ones as she is well behaved (at school at least), bright but not exceptional, happy to be at school and unlikely to cause trouble. Also there are 20 girls in her class (and 10 boys) so more difficult for the girls to stand out anyway.

So far I don't feel she has been affected but was v annoyed when at her end of nursery class year parents evening her teacher struggled to say anything "individual" about her and spend most of the session waffling on about what her class will be doing in reception.

Not sure I have any solution though,apart from as others mention making sure DCs do get plenty of attention at home/at out of school activities.

[GooseyLoosey]

KamR, your dd could be mine. She also suffers from being the younger sibling of a very noticeable older brother. The only upside to this is that sometimes in assembly, instead of ds putting his hand up, he will tell dd the answer and get her to put her hand up (very sweet). Not sure what to do either.

[NovelGazing]

Thanks for the solidarity! Like I said before, dd doesn't tend to notice that much, and when children get (frequently) rewarded for being 'good', she can rationalise it because she says she knows they find it hard to be good, whereas she doesn't. However, it makes me feel bad when other children's good work is rewarded and hers, whilst maybe not fantastic, is pretty good (not that it is the be all and end all, but she did get 3's in all her KS1 SATs, so she is working at quite a good level).

I get what you are saying about going to out of school stuff - she does this too, but tends to get overlooked there as well . What I would like is for her to go to a drama club, but the only ones round here are the shiny Stagecoach things that are a bit too showy for her.

Aargh! I should just get over it maybe - she just IS one of the invisible children, and tbh I don't want her to be noticed because I have talked to the teacher, I want them to notice her on her own merits. Thanks for letting me get it all out!

[imaginaryfriend]

novelgazing I really do know what you mean. Dd has been going to a drama class after school this term, it's only a one term event and already there have been two 'awards' ceremonies which dd's been left out of. Some of it is down to her as I think she daydreams during the class a lot. But it hasn't proved a means of encouraging her confidence.

Maybe we just have to wait, they'll have their moment I'm sure.