DD's friend is not friendly.

[coolaschmoola]

DD has just started school and one of the girls, C, from her nursery school is in the same class.

DD says that C is her friend and C's mum refers to DD as C's best friend.

The issue is that C often does mean things to DD.

In nursery she broke something DD took in for show and tell, she drew all over her clothes, threw paint down her back etc. On one occasion outside of nursery she hit and kicked DD who was sat next to her.

Nursery tried to separate them and kept me up to date throughout. They also spoke to C's mum who is always incredibly apologetic and is a lovely woman who is clearly mortified by her DD's behaviour.

We are now four days into the first week. On Monday DD was so excited to see C, and the feeling was mutual.

On Tuesday they played together.

On Wednesday DD told me that C grabbed her arm and really squeezed it, saying it hurt. My DD is the type of child who falls over, jumps back up and carries on, so I know it must have hurt for her to mention it two hours after school.

Today... DD has come home with a livid bite mark on her arm. Every single tooth is visible and in the middle there is a lump and a blue bruise. It's still the same now, eight hours after school finished.

I am really upset and angry that my child is being targeted by someone who tells her she's a friend. I've reiterated that friends don't hurt, break things or hit, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I told DD to smack C if she bites her again, but she's been told off for this behaviour for a year at nursery, by the teachers and her mum and it is still going on. DD also told me that that would be NAUGHTY and looked so appalled at the suggestion she will never do it. I just hate the thought of her standing there being hurt and doing nothing to stop it. Getting told off has zero impact on C.

The teacher at the new school told my childminder that they are going to try to keep them apart, but when C isn't hurting DD they LIKE each other so DD will want and try to play with C.

I'm going to phone the school in the morning and ask for DD's teacher to call me after school to discuss.

I don't want to demonize a child who is still learning about acceptable behaviour but this has to stop.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how else I can approach this please?

[NoMudNoLotus]

Biting is unacceptable behaviour.

Please speak directly to the head/ teacher re this incident - don't do it through her mother.

[NoMudNoLotus]

I would also want to know from the school what they will be doing to minimise the risk of this happening to your DD again.

This happened to my son repeatedly when he was 4. They failed to protect him so eventually I complained to ofsted who conducted an ad hoc visit.

My son is 8 now & still remembers it vividly it took him a long time to get over it - don't listen to anybody who tries to minimise this OP - biting at this age is not acceptable .

[coolaschmoola]

Oh I won't. I just want clarification on how they plan to separate them and to make them aware this is a long term issue. I'm a teacher, but the age range I teach tend to punch each other rather than bite, so I'm out of my comfort zone.

It would be so much easier if DD didn't want to be her friend!

[coolaschmoola]

Don't get me wrong. DD isn't an angel, she can be a resistant, boundary pushing little witch. But she's generally kind and hasn't hit since she was about two, when she also bit someone twice.

This week she's also started saying some totally out of character things that she definitely hasn't heard here, today it was, 'If you don't give me that, I'll kill/strangle you.' through gritted teeth.

It is awful to hear that coming out of a four year old and the second I mentioned that it is very naughty she apologised immediately and spoke normally.

It's times like this I wish I wasn't a teacher so I could do pick up and drop off.

[minipie]

Is there any flex on class sizes - could your DD be moved?

[coolaschmoola]

There are two classes of equal size, and they are full, so someone else would have to be moved the opposite way. There is a shared free flow area in the middle so they would still see each other. I may suggest it to the teacher should it continue.

[Ginmummy1]

We had the same situation in Reception. In about December time, DD became friends with X, who is very ‘physical’ and quite naughty and quite immature and can’t keep still. DD was constantly pulled around, grabbed by the neck from behind to stop her doing things, and once pinched hard enough to have a bruise on her arm (she was never bitten, but X bit another child on the cheek in the first week of Reception).

Worse than that, though, was the ‘controlling’ behaviour that wasn’t physical: the ‘if you don’t play with me and only me, I’m never going to speak to you again and am going to tell everyone in the class not to speak to you either’ etc. This from a four-year-old! DD and X were separated in the lunch hall as they messed around together, so DD started rushing through eating her lunch in order to get a few minutes in the playground before X stopped her playing with others. Later, DD started taking ages over lunch and trying to hide in the classroom or with the lunchtime supervisor, to avoid X.

Yet through all of this DD was drawn to X. There is some sort of ‘spark’ there that it has been difficult to manage. DD would be upset at home and we’d speak to the teacher, who was very understanding and tried to keep them apart, but said they just gravitated towards each other.

We didn’t tell DD to smack X or anything like that! We told her that if X had grabbed her and wouldn’t let her go, not to pull back hard or risk hurting anyone, but to call for help – preferably a teacher, or another child. DD did this effectively. If X was next to her at carpet time (pulling her hair, tickling her, talking to her) DD simply put her hand up and asked to be moved. Likewise in lines. DD is young enough not to be afraid to be a ‘goody two shoes’, and the teachers were supportive. We also told D to tell X that certain behaviour was not kind, and was not how human beings that liked each other should behave, and that X should be ashamed of herself and would not be able to keep friends if she did things like that. So basically, we taught DD to be the ‘teacher’. A bit weird, perhaps, but DD’s language is sophisticated for her age, and at least it was enforcing positive messages rather than treating violence with violence.

I never spoke to X’s Mum about it, but the thing that helped the most was when one day I’d spoken to DD’s teacher and she’d decided to try again to keep them separate, and apparently the following day X’s Mum called her about something else and she told her mum that she was dealing with a bit of an ‘issue’ and encouraging the girls apart, and X’s Mum asked whether we had complained. The teacher couldn’t quite lie, so X’s Mum was finally aware of the effect it was having on our DD, and since then X has said to DD on lots of occasions that she’s trying to be good, and has even said it to me.

Sorry – that was really long! Just a description, a year on, of a somewhat similar situation, and how we’ve been handling it so far. In a one form entry primary school, I’m sure issues between DD and X will come up lots more, and perhaps they will become ‘good’ friends without issues.

Definitely involve the teacher, keep a log, take photos of any physical violence as that is completely unacceptable. Good luck!

[coolaschmoola]

Thanks ginmummy - very useful post. We're already nine months into this behaviour and instead of improving, it is escalating.

I had absolute faith in their nursery school teacher and I know she really did try, but, as you said, DD and C gravitate towards each other.

I'm going to leave it with the teacher for now (with feedback) and if there is no improvement I will ask for one of them to move into the other class.

I'm just astounded by the sustained nature of it all, plus the coercive and threatening language. They are four!

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

Ask for her to be moved to the other class. Their might be s parent who'd agree to a move if their child's friend is in DD's current class.

[coolaschmoola]

I would rather avoid DD being moved now that she has started making friends - she hasn't done anything wrong and she might think that she is being punished.

[a7mints]

Most parents and kids eventually realise that the only way to stop people like this is give them a taste of their own medicine.