Crying on way into school every morning.

[ABPMum]

Hello all - in the grand scheme of things I know this is not a big deal, but it seems to be getting worse not better so I am hoping I might find some positive tips on here from all you clever mumsnetters. My DD won't go into school and it is every morning, but it is varying degrees of being upset. Sometimes it is screams and being physically manhandled into the class. This morning I thought this is not working and after years of nurturing her it seems wrong to be watching her being dragged off me as well as massively upsetting - but more importantly it is not making it easier to get her in. I have tried all manner of things and had meetings with the school - it really is that bad - but nothing is working. I just wonder if I might find some ingenious and positive ideas about making it easier to get her in. She is the youngest in her class with birthday on 25th August and in year 1 - this has happened since reception, but getting worse this year. Thanks so much!

[TeenAndTween]

How quickly do school say she calms down once you have gone?
If it is ages and ages then clearly something is not right.
How is she when she comes out? Happy and cheerful, or just relieved to see you?

Can we assume you have tried all of the following:

• sticker charts
• rewards
• transition object to take in
• arrive and go in slightly early, special job for teacher
• arrive and go in slightly late
• hand over in school office

Does any one else ever take her? How is she with them?

Can you leave her at other activities / parties?

How is her speech? Does she say what the issue is?

[MumTryingHerBest]

ABPMum I think you need to try to find out the cause of the problem. Your DD may be reluctant to tell you at first so it may take some time. It is also possible that it is not down to just one thing but a number of seemingly small things that together are unsettling her.

Think about any comments she has made about things she has not been happy with at school. They maybe small things like being pushed into, not sitting on a table with their friends, feeling they are not good at anything etc.

I had a lot of problems with my DD during yr 1. I was finally able to get to bottom of it all and by mid way through yr 2 (with the help and understanding of the yr 2 teacher) I was seeing a huge improvement in her attitude towards school and learning in general.

Bear in mind, when a child is stressed or unhappy, even small things can seem like a massive problem to them.

I make a point of asking both my DCs about the best thing that happened at school that day and about the worst thing that happened. This has helped establish a routine of talking about school in general. It has also helped my DD understand that because one thing happens that they are not happy about, it doesn't mean that the entire day was bad.

[Traalaa]

I had similar with DS. He was fine once he was in there, but the thought of leaving me was really hard for him. I took him in for a proper sit down chat with his yr1 teacher and we made an agreement that DS thought might work, which was that he could be at the front of the line every morning and hold his teacher's hand as they walked in. The other kids all knew how hard he was finding it, so none of them seemed to mind. The teacher was a big bear of a man and 6'4. I will never forget how sweet and caring he was - v.cute to see them walking in together chatting after all the anxt previously. A friend who had problems with her DD arranged to get to school a bit early each day and her DD was given a job - I think to put the pencil pots out or something, but she left her in the classroom rather than having the stress of the line-up. That worked too. Talk to them about ideas. It's tough for your DD, but she's by no means the first.

[blobbityblob]

Mine was an awful lot better when she made a couple of friends. She'd then have somebody to go in with and stick with most of the day. She'd look forward to seeing them the next day.

If she's not really found a little mate yet, I'd try working on that myself.

[uhoh1973]

I would talk to her at a calm time about how she feels about school, what she likes, doesn't like etc and see if you can get to the root cause. Does she sleep ok? If this doesn't work try someone else dropping her off and see if that helps. Ask the teacher to keep an eye on her and see if she seems happy at school or not and whether they have any suggestions.
DC seems very happy at school (also Yr1) but when through a short period last year when they weren't keen. I asked one of the TAs to keep an eye on them and she said no, they are fine once you have gone, very happy playing etc.
Good luck!

[maydancer]

I t5ink the problem is with your reaction- do you calmly brush her off and say 'bye' and walk away, or do you to try to soothe her?

[Dungandbother]

Had lots of this intermittently with DS.

He never gave our childminder tears. Always calmed down very quickly. Always came out happy enough. Never found any particular reason to tell me why he was crying.

His teacher has a daily happy rating. Each child at register says 1,2 or 3. 1 being really happy.

Anyway. I got tough on him. Really tough. I said that big boys could walk into school happily with their class mates. Was he a big boy? No I'm not.
Well you can't have an iPad, can't stay up late on weekends, can't have sleepovers, cant
Blah blah.

Really really mean Mummy. But it worked. I think he just got stuck in a rut. There were lots of cuddles and I told him fairly and firmly about what I expected.

I made a fair assessment of my sons needs. I knew that fundamentally his world was sound.
I too was fed up with the claw over to a grumpy TA every morning.

Not sure if this can help in any way except to make you feel a more caring mother than I

[Dungandbother]

DS is also Y1

[Galena]

I had a child in my Y3 class who did this. Would howl and cry when dropped off, would need me to peel her off mum - and had done since Reception. I suggested mum asked someone else to bring her for a change. She was fine. Mum then worked out that her daughter was playing up simply for her, and got tough on her. By the end of the term the DD didn't cry once in the mornings.

[Traalaa]

Dung, that would never have worked with my son. Glad to hear that it did for yours though!

[uhoh1973]

Just get someone else to take him as a test to see if they get the same melt down..

[WomanScorned]

DS is in y1, and just doesn't want to go to school. He would simply rather play with his things - and me.

Last year was very difficult. Another parent noticed, and offered to call on us. He now runs in quite happily with his little friend. Not always, but usually.

Something else that helps is getting up later. I used to have to interrupt his play, which caused tears and tantrums. Now it's just up, breakfast, dressed and out of the door. No time for negotiation. He has a Superhero clock, who 'tells him' what he needs to be doing in order to be on time.

If all else fails, there's always the threat of being collected from home, by the Head (genuine offer!).

School reassure me that he's happy and engaged there; he still tells me he's sad and bored. I once went in to 'spy' on him from behind a window blind. He was running around, playing and laughing with a large group of children...

[Witchend]

Ds was like this. And actually still objects but in a more elderly 8yo way.

There wasn't any issues with school except they didn't let him just play football with occasional breaks for a play on the computer. He'd just rather be at home.
I've been very honest about him disliking going to school with the teachers and they've often been surprised because he seems perfectly happy there.
With him it is the transition from home to school. He'll come out happy, and chatty about what he's done.
He's actually not dissimilar about afterschool stuff. He'll be keen to do it, but then at the actual time of going will suddenly become reluctant. Then if I take him he comes out having had a wonderful time and talking about "when I go next week". Next week comes and he's reluctant again.

[WomanScorned]

That all sounds very familiar, Witchend. Even down to the out of school activities :/