Hair dramas

[SingingGoldfinch]

Hi - we're having real issues with 12 yr old dd and her hair and I'm at a loss as to what to do. Like most 12 year old girls she has long hair and likes it tied back - fine, except she has incredibly fussy! She doesn't necessarily want elaborate styles - the usual ponytails/bunches/plaits etc but it has to be perfect. It might look fine to me but something will feel wrong and she'll pull it out and we'll be back to square one - and this can happen multiple times in the rush to try and get out of the house in the morning. I know this is a big thing for her at her age as appearance becomes more important but the stress and upset it's causing is so out of proportion. Some days it's ok but this happens several times a week. We end up shouting at each other and she goes to school upset and I have to go to work feeling awful too. It's hideous! I've tried just saying I'll only do it once and if she doesn't like then tough. I've tried saying I just won't do it at all. I've threatened to cut the hair off. Nothing seems to work and we're stuck in a terrible rut with it. Any advice at all gratefully received!

[SingingGoldfinch]

I'm obviously flustered. Did is 11 not 12 and yr 6. I've also tried to encourage her to do hair herself but that also leads to dramas. I don't know what the answer is!

[DeadZed]

Personally I think you need to set clear ground rules. Things like you will only do her hair once (or twice) whatever you think is reasonable and that everyone needs to leave the house at a set time hair up or down. Put consequences in place when the rules are broken.

I think I sound quite harsh but then I have two dds age 11 and 13 so we have had too many leaving the house/ hair not right/clothes wrong/wind in the wrong direction dramas.

[Rumtopf]

She needs to learn and be responsible for her own hair, she's 11. If it's too long for her to manage by herself then it needs cutting, she should be more than capable of making herself presentable for school without any fuss.
She can grow it long again when she is more capable.

[SingingGoldfinch]

She is very good at getting herself sorted for school in all other respects. It's just the hair she asks for help with so I don't resent her that - providing we can get it done without a drama!! I do usually say I'll only do it twice but perhaps I'm not strict enough about that.

[TeenAndTween]

I agree, say you will only do it once and stick to it.

With my DDs we had the rule that they could have long hair when they could manage it themselves (without loads of fussing too) - washing, drying and brushing.

Sit down over the holidays and make out an agreement. If she can't do it herself, or fusses when you help, get it cut.

[youvegottobekidding]

We have something similar with our 11 yr old DD, she had the same hair style since y3/y4 - her hair HAS to be tied back ever so neatly in a very low pony tail, no straggly bits sticking out anywhere, so basically it's all plastered (water spray & serum) to her head in a tight ponytail, everyday. She doesn't care for any other style at all. I try to encourage her to give her hair a 'rest' from tying it back on weekends, but she doesn't like it - she has issues I think with it down, gets upset?! I've been waiting for years for the morning to come when she announces she wants her ponytail a bit higher or not at all. Some days she's done it herself & ive told her it looks absolutely fine, although she's not entirely convinced & prefers me to do it. She has the most beautiful, thick light brown, long hair with natural, honey coloured highlights in it, it's truly gorgeous, it's a shame she hides it but it's her hair & if she's happy tying it back all the time then it's up to her.

[ILoveDolly]

In year 5 I told my daughter she could learn to do her own hair or have a short manageable style. She could suddenly do ponytail and bunches. I do help her a bit if she asks and its something hard like a bun for ballet but for school she does her own.