DD dropped her Best Friend

[zone6mum]

I don't know why this has got to me so much and I probably should Mind My Own Beezwax and Let Her Get On With It. After two years of an utterly charming friendship with a girl in her class who lives down the road, DD (11) has unceremoniously and without explanation dropped her and gone off with a clique of girls who, although perfectly nice, are a little more worldly and seem to be rubbing the former best friend's nose in it. Her mother is very upset and says she's crying every night. DD becomes very angry and defensive whenever I ask her to think about how her former best friend must feel about it. She's taken down photos of her and put away birthday and christmas presents. There are daily rows in the playground and divisions occurring around who sides with DD and who sides with the other girl. I'm worried that DD might have a tendency to be unreliable and easily swayed ... OK when they are pre-teen and the interests do not extend beyond nail polish and Claires Accessories, but she starts high school in September, where issues are more complex and potentially dangerous. Should I keep well out of it and hope it settles down? I'm so worried about the other girl and, frankly, I miss her and can see that she and her mum are very hurt.

[Floggingmolly]

Who is leading the daily battles and side taking? . If it's your dd; you need to have a word.

[HeyheyheyGoodbye]

To be honest I think you need to let your DD manage her own friendships. She might not make decisions you like, but it is up to her who she's friends with. You missing the other girl shouldn't matter.

If it goes badly with this other group then your DD will learn something and will need you there for her when she is the one upset.

Although that said, I agree with pp that if your daughter is involved with bullying behaviour towards the other girl, that's a different issue and needs sorting.

[zone6mum]

My guess is that DD isn't leading it but I think she's complicit. It's so hard to stay impartial and create space for her to keep talking to me - I just feel my own affection for the other girl getting in the way but yes, you are right, I need to get a grip and keep out of it as best I can. HeyHey, your second paragraph is wisdom indeed.
Thanks guys.

[TeenAndTween]

I'm not so sure you should stay completely out of it.

I think you should say to your DD that she has complete rights to choose not to be friends with this girl anymore.
but
She has to not be mean about it, and not in any way be complicit in isolating this girl in the playground. Others should be able to be friends with both of them. There should be no 'taking sides'.
and
be warned not to burn her bridges too much in case the grass isn't greener.

[Tryharder]

Agree with Tweenandteen.

There is no excuse for excluding another girl or psychological bullying - particularly if this girl hasn't actually done anything to warrant the exclusion - and i would be making my displeasure felt.

[mynameisnotmichaelcaine]

I would too. She doesn't have to be friends with anyone, but she is going about it the wrong way.

[PiratePanda]

Oh god. I was the dropped ex-friend. It was AWFUL.

Not much you can do I'm afraid.

[pictish]

She gets angry with you when you bring it up because she's defensive. She knows she has ditched on her pal for a cooler crowd and she knows that it's a bit shitty of her to do that, but she's not about to look back either. Peer acceptance is often everything to kids, while bravery and righteousness is in short supply.

I agree that you have to accept your dd's friendship choices. At the same time I think it's also pertinent to let her know that any bullying behaviour towards the girl will be held in the lowest esteem.

[Mintyy]

I would tell my dd in no uncertain terms that I would be absolutely disgusted with her and ashamed of her if she was involved in any bullying behaviour. Ignoring, dropping or isolating one individual in the playground is bullying.

Have a read of the couple of recent threads on here from posters who are upset because their child had dumped a friend to move on to pastures new but then been dumped themselves and couldn't "get back" with the original friend.

It all sounds hideous and I disagree that you should step back and let your dd get on with it if you are aware of the upset.

[SukieTuesday]

That sounds an awful lot like bullying. Dropping friends is part of life unfortunately but 'daily rows in the playground and divisions occurring around who sides with DD and who sides with the other girl' is not on. I'd be talking to the school.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

I don't understand how people can be siding either with the other girl or your daughter and yet your daughter not be leading the other side.

Maybe time to remove those maternal rose-tinted specs OP, because what your daughter and her friends are doing sounds abhorrent.

[LikeABadSethRogenMovie]

I agree with many of the other posts. I chat to DD quite often about her friendships and don't consider that as interfering. She can be friends with whoever she likes but the #1 rule is there is never an excuse to be mean.

Unfortunately, nobody told that rule to her former BFF who is being a complete cow lately.

[WyrdByrd]

Are you aware of anything that might have gone on between the two of them to pre-empt this? Taking down photos & putting away gifts seems very extreme.

Beyond that can only agree with others that your DD can choose her own friends but there's no excuse for being unkind about it, and she needs to be aware that it may come back & bite her at a later date.

[Heartofgold25]

I would definitely email the mother of former BF, it is important for your relations with the other family to express that you care, and will also help potentially avoid an escalating situation at school if there is one. Also you do not want to appear fickle, and particularly if your dd is making a mistake dropping her friend, it will be a far easier to fix things if you have handled things with care. I would mention what has happened from your point of view in a loose way, that they seem to have had an unexpected parting of ways, and check with her directly what is happening at school. It will be much easier to hear it first hand. IF there is a bullying issue, you need to sort it out robustly with your dd and I am guessing you would prefer to hear it from a friend rather than the headmaster/headmistress.

There is a back story here somewhere, and I think you need to get to the bottom of it. It is possible your dd needs more support than is obvious at the moment especially if there is bullying at school.

I wonder if the 'cool girls' are actually bullying that girl, and your dd has jumped ship for self preservation...It definitely requires more investigation. DD is showing signs of stress, taking down photos, putting away gifts. It is a strong reaction.

If dd has simply moved on, then if she were my dd I would be practicing kindness and making sure she makes an effort to say hello and be pleasant to that the former bf. It is a key life skill to break away kindly, and she is going to need it on numerous occasions in the future. Better to learn it now and make it easier the next time.

[frog51]

A similar thing has happened with my 12 year old daughter. Shortly after starting secondary school, she got to know a few new girls and her best friend, who had been friends with her since the age of 3, hated it.

It turned out that my daughter sought out new friends because she felt unhappy with her previous friend and had gone along with everything purely because they had been friends for so long and felt pressurised by her to stay friends just with her, and her alone.

Her parents were friends of mine too and they no longer speak to me and they have even caused a divide amongst other mutual friends we have. The whole situation was hideous at the time, and at first I felt really guilty and I couldn't understand why my daughter would be so cruel to, what I thought was, a long standing friend of hers.

However, I now realise that she just wanted to follow her own path a little and her friend was so used to calling the shots within the friendship, she just couldn't handle it well. Neither she, or any of her family have spoken a word to us since either and refuse to acknowledge we exist, so trying to patch things up is impossible. That said, I can't help but admire my daughter for standing her ground despite all the fallout from it all. It is worth remembering all things happen for a reason, even if it isn't apparent at the time. Life and growing up is rarely a straight path, just support your girl and guide her through it all the best you can.

[jaykay34]

I think you sound a really kind and caring parent, and it's interesting to hear this common scenario from a different angle.

When I was in the last year of secondary, my best friend since I was 5, went off with a cooler group - she was singled out by the leader - and I was heartbroken. I was pretty unwordly and nowhere near as cool as this other girl and her cronies. My best friend would only talk to me in secret - and they all had parties etc without me. It was the worst year of my school life, and shaped the rest of my teenage years as I made sure I was cool and popular at secondary school by being naughty and a bitch.

Like I say, its not uncommon, and I have come across so many people who have been the unpopular girl or have a daughter that became unpopular.

I don't think your daughter is the ringleader - just heavily influenced by people that she looks up to. Other kids will take either your daughter's or the other girl's side because they will be used to them being a duo - so it becomes more about them than the new friends and the other girl.

I can't offer any advice, but didn't want to read and run as you seem like a genuinely nice parent to have concerns about this other girl.

I notice with my own children that friendships change, and I've had instances of both of them liking someone but not wanting to hang around with them because they aren't popular. It's sad, but kids are fickle and like to fit in. Girls definitely need this type of acceptance.