Help with dd age 11

[Cozyblanketandabottleofwine]

Not entirely sure where to start.

My eldest DD has been having trouble at school. Academically, she has no problems, but socially, she really seems to struggle. She wants to be part of of a small group of girls who welcome her, and then exclude her for extended periods of time. (I think, to some extent she feels as though she should be leading the group, and doesn't like it when she can't.)
She also craves attention, and it doesn't seem to matter how she goes about getting it; disrupting the class, tall tales, and adoration of one of the boys in her class are all regular examples of things she does for attention. (At home, she's generally fine). Unfortunately, she is also easily wound up, and any teasing she gets as a result of her actions, usually provokes a dramatic reaction. It seems that about once a year, we have a 'big' problem, usually cumulative of the previous incidents, and then everything is fine, but I can't let it continue as an ongoing cycle. She has been in trouble, both at home and at school, as a result of her unacceptable behaviour.
How do I show/teach/explain to her that she doesn't have to be the centre of attention all of the time in a group environment? I don't want to change her personality, but desperately want to direct her so that she doesn't ostracise herself anymore than she already has.

[traviata]

sorry no help but bumping for you

[wheresthelight]

we have a similar issue with dss also 11. although he has no friends other than his step sister and cousin.

I have no answers I am afraid as we are still trying to get through to dss that his behaviour towards other people has a direct impact on how they treat him.

could you speak to school nurse/counsellor if they have one or your GP and find out if there are any courses or resources you could use to help her understand and manage her behaviour/emotions better?

[RibbonedandLaced]

Sit her down, make sure she knows that while it's fun to lead a group if she's too bossy and not really a team player with them they will exclude her. Nobody likes a party pooper, but luckily you can fix that.

Pre-Teens love to go on outings together, why don't you suggest that your daughter arranges a group outing with these girls. They could go Shopping or go to the Cinema and then you could arrange a sleepover back at your house? Not many will refuse a good day out and it could be a great chance for your daughter to get to know them.

Or than that Swimming, Ice Skating and going out for meals are also popular outings. If she has a mobile make sure she gets all of their numbers so they can text her and vice versa.

Make it a sort of, party, so that in a way these girls will be giving your daughter attention.


In my experience it's always the more attention seeking girls that are left out of the fun. Trust me, your daughter doesn't want to be that girl. Future friends find that both annoying and stupid, encourage your daughter to stand back a little in the shadows and be part of the group and not try to lead it. You never know, they might accept her properly!

Is there an update on this?

[ES66]

I would second what RibbonedandLaced said.

Also try to get her involved in group activities like netball, cheerleading, guides, gymnastics

Had a nieve who was like that