Help! How do you deal with unsuitable friends?

[lainiekazan]

Dd (10) is a bit of a pain. She has been changing friends more often this year (year 6) than changing underwear. Sometimes it's daily! Today for example she has four friends comiing over, and then yesterday she said she wanted to invite someone else next week. Also, she seems to be the disloyal one, going completely over the top one minute and then casting them off five minutes later.

Anyway, this latest girl she has latched on to is not suitable . She is a Cool Girl, looks about 15, waltzes out of school with a phone clamped to her ear, carries a handbag, and - horrors! - hangs out with boys on the recreation ground out of school.

I absolutely do not want dd to fraternise with this girl, but I have detected that they have been talking on a social network site. (As fast as dh blocks one, they all seem to migrate to another.)

[LastingLight]

Hang back and observe. If dd changes friends that fast, maybe this one won't last long either. Telling dd that you don't like this girl will just have the effect of pushing them together. Do you have discussions in general with dd about friendship, how friends behave etc?

[lainiekazan]

Yes, a bit, but I can hear myself sounding preachy.

With other friends, I urged a bit of caution, or just let it ride, but in the case of the latest "crush" there is no way I can stand by, let alone facilitate any friendship.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Other than appearances in what way is this girl an unsuitable friend? How would you feel if you heard of parents telling their dd's to stay away from her because she is fickle and uses them one moment then drops them the next?

Teach your dd about how to be a good friend and then she will know how to pick friends that are good for her .

[lainiekazan]

Sigh, I don't like dd's behaviour. I think she has been kind of working up the scale in order to access the "cool gang". Not being in the slightest bit cool myself, I find it exasperating and also I would never try to infiltrate other people's friendship groups.

This girl is unsuitable because she is way too precocious. Dd has spoken about her before and says she and her circle spend break times in the loos doing their hair etc. They write flirty messages to the boys in the class, and, as I said, go on the recreation ground .

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

What happens on the recreation ground not trying to argue with you here just trying to find out whether it's just your perception of the girl or if her behaviour really is a concern.

Sounds like your dd doesn't really know where she wants to fit in terms of friendships and is at risk of alienating herself. I would be more concerned about that tbh.

[lainiekazan]

Yes, I think dd is rather confused. One minute she is playing Barbies and the next trying to ape trendy girls. I have tried to talk to her about abandoning her old friends, but she gets in a real rage about it.

My perception of the girl may not be good, but going round dressed as a mini Katie Price sends off some warning vibes to me.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

I understand. It is possible to manage the friendship a little, So you can allow the girl to come to play (help you get a good idea of what she's really like) but state to you dd that there will be no hanging around on the recreation ground, nor allowing your dd to dress inappropriately. You may find that with restrictions in place it will be a friendship that doesn't bloom.

Tough one I know.

[LadyCybilCrawley]

Is "on the recreation ground" code for something? Are they doing inappropriate things there?

Best course is to talk to you your daughter about friendship and especially cause and consequence and how to make good choices.

I'd rather my daughter could navigate sensibly with all different people than ban certain ones. This is a great teaching situation.

[lainiekazan]

Well, of course that would be the ideal. I know I'm on a hiding to nothing if I ban the friendship. But where I'm struggling is how to train dd into making wise choices.

On the recreation ground: well, people walk dogs, play a game of football, run around... and also kids gather to swill lager, smoke, throw a few bottles at the scout hut - and I believe get up to no good behind the scout hut.

And, dd is ten. 10-year-olds and recs = just NO.

[LadyCybilCrawley]

Lanie - I found the AmericanGirl books very helpful - I read them with my daughter and it opened up a whole world of discussion which we didn't have before

Try this

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Troubles/dp/1584857110/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1399836396&sr=8-2&keywords=A%20Smart%20Girl%27s%20Guide%20to%20Friendship%20Troubles&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I find a few others and link for you