Another bra thread...she won't wear one

(36 Posts)
foolonthehill Sun 19-May-13 19:57:06

My DD (11 Y6) is lovely, grown up, gentle, kind etc...and the first of several daughters

Anyway she point blank refuses to talk about "growing up" to acknowledge that this is and will happen and to even discuss the wearing of a bra.

I was brought up by a very prudish and self conscious mum who told me nothing about periods, growing up etc. fortunately I read lots and frequented the local library hmm.

I was determined that my daughters and sons would not have to contend with this, so have been quite open and answered all their questions as well and age-appropriately as I can BUT DD1 absolutely refuses to go there..and has for many years.

She is now 5'5" and quite well developed. She is sporty and really could do with wearing a bra (Xcountry etc)..also i worry that she is going to start periods and try to cope on her own (as I did...not that she knows this). I really want to be there for her but she won;t let me...walks away, grumps and refuses.

anyone been here done that? What happened? Is there a magic formula to help her to come to me.

as an aside, as a family we have been though loads of rubbish with domestic abuse and we are fully able to talk through our feelings and issues around this. it's just growing up that is the problem. (and i think it is true that she does not want to)

Theas18 Thu 13-Jun-13 09:23:09

Aww you both get a hug from me. And an absorbent shoulder too.

This is tough for her but she'll get there.

Sparklymommy Thu 13-Jun-13 09:18:59

I am at the beginning of what I feel will be a battle with my Dd1 ATM. She is 10, and has just started to develop. She is moody, constantly teary about silly things and her body is starting to change. I bought her some crop tops yesterday and thankfully she has gone to school wearing one today, but she also refuses to discuss the changes that are happening and what she should expect. I hope you dd comes to terms with this soon and let's you in to help her.

foolonthehill Sun 09-Jun-13 19:10:40

I wrote a note last week after finding some more concealed items. just to say how much i love her and understand she doesn;t want to talk...and this is where the sanitary towels are now and I won;t talk about it again unless she wants too...or we have problems.

yet to see if this has any good effect.

It really is rubbish for them isn;t it? And for us too i guess.

Secondme Sun 09-Jun-13 18:07:54

My dd is much the same. Refuses to wear a bra but will wear a crop top. No periods yet but I know she will find it really hard to tell me and will be very embarrassed.
I was contemplating writing a note/letter because it's not face to face and will not be as embarrassing. Spoke to her briefly and she thinks this is an ok idea.

foolonthehill Fri 31-May-13 22:00:36

OK so just because you've all been so nice and supportive...following our brief holiday...I confirmed my suspicions that she had started her periods and hidden it(piles and piles of manky underwear, trousers etc all under the bed), despite a very softly softly talk that I "understand she is shy/doesn;t want to talk/embarrased etc" but that this is something that has to be dealt with because it's not going away.

then found all crop tops/discrete panty liners etc cut up in the bin...

this lovely girl really does not want to grow up sad and I wish she could just forget about it for a few years for her sake...but it's not in my power to give.

So I've had to have a talk about practicalities...we can;t afford to throw good clothes away and it's much less embarrassing to wear towels/panty liners than to be bleeding thru' the clothes. Bra's I'll leave to her now, there's just too much to deal with.

Thanks all...and if you have any more pearls of wisdom I'd be glad to hear them!

specialsubject Wed 29-May-13 21:31:16

periods cannot be ignored but bra wearing is never compulsory. It makes no difference to future shape or development, bras only alter boobs while they are being worn.

if she is more comfortable without, fine.

foolonthehill Tue 21-May-13 10:58:16

Thanks. I really appreciate the perspective.

I guess I've left the bra thing for a long time given her development...she easily passes for 16 although only 11, is at least a B cup (maybe C) and very sporty...she gets comments (which she hates) from her younger siblings and others....tbh it just looks so uncomfortable wobbling around!!and not good for mixed sport I feel.

I hope she just comes round to being able to talk around it...it's sad to think she is choosing to "go it alone" when I remember doing this and it was soooo hard.

eimmum Mon 20-May-13 23:25:36

I can sympathise. My DD last year (yr6) refused to wear a bra even though all her friends were. She probably needed to - even her Dad noticed. She spent the summer covered up in hoodies to hide her shape. When she started year7 she still refused to wear one saying they were uncomfortable. She also said she didn't want to grow up and she also expressed concerns her younger sister would tease her. Interestingly she also told me that she was worried that if she started wearing a bra then her younger cousins wouldn't think she was a child anymore and wouldn't want to play with her.

Now in her 3rd term she wears an M&S cropped sports bra everyday She has a normal one as well but says it is uncomfortable. She realises that she will need to wear the normal one if she wants to wear t-shirts in the summer as the sports bra will show. I eventually just kept gently talking to her and allowed her to decide when she was ready. She was a 32B with her first bra. She is 5f7" and has size 8 feet!

My advice would be to leave her to it but keep bringing up the subject in a supportive way. Year7 may be a turning point for her.

SorrelForbes Mon 20-May-13 22:07:51

Oh yes, absolutely. I was going off on a tangent really and being a bit more general.

Takver Mon 20-May-13 22:06:12

But on the whole, Sorrel, I'd say yr 6 girls tend to be slim and athletic, with relatively small boobs (even those who are well developed comparatively)!

scaevola Mon 20-May-13 22:04:42

I think her attitude towards bra wearing will change spontaneously when she goes to secondary school. Can you just leave is one? And save the car talk for other efforts to improve communication about puberty and periods?

SorrelForbes Mon 20-May-13 22:00:40

There's a few interesting responses to this on some bra blogs. The study was done (IIRC) on very slim, athletic women with small boobs.

DewDr0p Mon 20-May-13 21:52:23

OP I'm not sure I have any wise words to offer but I remember feeling exactly like this myself in Yr6. I was taller than all my friends and the only one with boobs and I hated it. I was completely embarrassed by the whole thing and wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.

I felt much better once it started happening to other friends too.

Could you initiate the conversation very gently and tell her that you sense she is upset with you about this and can you talk about it? Maybe she just needs to come to this in her own time?

darlingbudd Mon 20-May-13 21:50:53

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/259073.php bras make breasts more saggy.

darlingbudd Mon 20-May-13 21:48:49

There was a recent study that showed that bras actually make breast droopiness worse. I'll see if I can find it.

I'm another who will avoid wearing a bra if I can get away with it. I find them so uncomfortable.

Takver Mon 20-May-13 21:42:51

<shrugs> if she doesn't want to wear a bra, does it matter? Yr 6 DD is also pretty well developed, and says she's more comfortable without (doesn't even like a crop-top).

It was a bit of an issue at school for a while as she was getting teased, but she chose to ride it out and challenge the teasers as to explain why it was so essential.

It must be said that I sometimes wear a crop top, sometimes nothing, and only a 'proper' bra with going-out clothes, so I guess I don't see it as particularly vital myself.

Startail Mon 20-May-13 14:17:55

Honesty, not wearing a bra will do no harm.

Only you know your DD well enough to know if laying down the law would work. It does with my practical down to earth DD1 and is totally counter productive with DD2.

By the time she's at secondary, she'll be delighted not to be instantly flattened in the corridors and hopefully feel happier being tall and grown up.

titchy Mon 20-May-13 13:51:27

I'm fairly sure that a years worth of wobbly bra-less boobs does not a lifetime of misery and discomfort make.

Leave some panty liners in the bathroom or her bedroom, tell her (and your other dds if they're possibly old enough) they're there and leave her to it.

Once she's at secondary she'll be more than happy to wear a bra.

Notmyidea Mon 20-May-13 13:28:23

I laid down the law with dd1 after seeing her tap class. She was noticably wobbling, (at age 10) and it was very much a case of being no nonsense and telling her that whatever anxieties she had about bra wearing she was setting herself up for discomfort and unwanted attention by avoiding it. It worked, the subsequent period chats were much smoother.

foolonthehill Mon 20-May-13 12:21:37

thanks, good pointers for me.

VenusUprising Sun 19-May-13 23:59:44

I think you're doing fine.

Buy her a few of those support tops and leave it.

She's obviously afraid of something - being a woman, and being abused (guessing here, but you say she's been witness to dv)?

Maybe tweak the conversation to asking her about what she thinks about being an adult, and what kind of job she wants. What she wants for herself in her future, and laying plans to get there?

I'd lay off the physical development side of things for the moment.

Dancergirl Sun 19-May-13 23:47:22

It could be she will feel more comfortable wearing one when she starts secondary. For some girls (myself included) there's something about having to wear a bra at primary school is a real wrench, even if she's not the only one.

They grow up A LOT in Year 7, plus she'll see a lot of her peer group wearing them so maybe she'll change her mind then..?

foolonthehill Sun 19-May-13 21:27:58

grin B...the light blue touch paper and retire approach....

Branleuse Sun 19-May-13 21:25:51

tell her that shes got boobs now and she needs a bra and that she will thank you later but she needs to start wearing one

riponmum Sun 19-May-13 20:45:03

Does she go to guides or any other youth group ? There might be someone there who she could talk too or who could help you .

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