Stress of getting 11 yr old daughter to shower(35 Posts)
I m fed up to the back teeth of having to hassle my 11 yr old DD to keep herself clean. It s a fight to make her shower, she knows she needs to moisturize her skin as she has bad eczema and scratches herself silly. Her bottom, thighs and backs if knees are begining to scar. She refuses to let me moisturize her. Her hair is greasy and she just needs to keep herself clean more. I m at a loss to know what to do. It always ends up in argument and I worry her skin is going to be permanently scarred if she doesnt start taking care of it better.
Any advice gratefully received.
I really sympathise - it's tricky.
Could you delicately mention the smell rather than the dirt? Because with eczema one does, often, honk a bit, and as for the hormones at that age... (altho family tend not to notice). Try and keep it light - focus on saying things like how nice other people smell and so on.
Is there a possibility she could be depressed? I know that's an obvious thing to say given that poor personal hygiene is a shoo-in for MH issues, but it might be worth a gentle enquiry.
I don t think she s depressed. She s always suffered from eczema but it was fine when she was young and I cd moisturize and keep it under control myself. Now she s older she, understandably, doesnt want me to moisturise her. She d just rather watch telly or something else. I thought she d start taking care of herself more at this age and sometimes... Occasionally, she does. But not near often enough. It's wearing me down and I worry about her skin
I've got an 11yo dd soap dodger as well. Dd gets a bit claustrophobic in the shower but doesn't like baths either. She's better if I sit in the bathroom and chat to her while she showers. I got her some nice shower gel from Lush as well which has helped.
She will be ok in a couple of years, my daughter was the same, quite a filthy creature from 9 to 13 yrs after then I couldn't get her out of the bathroom! Perhaps you could show her some shock pics of eczema when it's infected? Could you make her shower before breakfast, rather than the evenings when TV is less of a distraction? Ban TV before school?
Can you get an older cousin to talk with her? My aunt has called me to speak with my cousins if she can't get through to them.
Tv s not allowed before school so that s not the issue. I might show her shock pictures though I hope she will grow out of resisting getting washed. I dread to think what it ll be like when periods come along
I'd show her pix. If that doesn't work, take her to the doctor and warn GP what the problem is so that DD can get a lecture from an authority figure.
An 11 year old should be keeping themselves clean and while it's an unusual request, I think GP wd see the necessity for cooperating.
I had awful eczema behind my knees at that age, spent many a delicious hour scratching, and am scar-free, so you should be ok on that front.
Nice bath products help. As everyone points out, it should wear off with age. OTOH you don't want it to get so bad that in the meantime she risks social death at school. If there are any signs of that I would make the GP appt now.
Are her friends cleaner? You could try broaching the subject by explaining how pleasing it is to be with people who are nice to be near, etc. How often does she shower and wash hair?
I've had a conversation today with my 11 year old DD about how she needs to wash more as I can smell her.
She rolled her eyes a bit but I'm hoping to see at least a couple of showers/baths next week.
Sympathies. Another soap dodger in residence here. I find she gets very offended when I mention the smell aspect of it. I use a bit of good cop / bad cop routine, such as 'You absolutely have to take a bath or shower tonight.' 'Shall I put bubble bath in / here is one of the big towels'. What about a trip to Boots to buy a bit of nice stuff to put in the bath? Would she be interested in that?
I have a 15 yr old son who will stand in the shower, but not use soap. His hair always looks greasy, and his feet smell. My xhusband and I have had many conversations with him regarding personal care to no avail. I am not sure if this has anything to do with his Asbergers. I sympathise with you, OP.
She has stuff to put in bath tho I get a bit worried about her eczema. Is there anything that would help eczema but is bubblebathy?
And another soap dodger DD here too, with very dry skin and rough patches, and now a scalp condition too... She resists showers at all costs, but lots of compliments when her hair is nice and shiny and smells good seems to be improving things... We now also try to have set days for showers/baths so she knows when she's expected to wash! I can't remember the last time she washed her face in the mornings, her face cloth is permanently dry. Going to put Lush / Body Shop smellies on her Xmas list!
Since my talk yesterday morning about the whiff. DD has had a shower before bed and another this morning before getting dressed
Well... Something s worked. DD got up at 6:30am to hv a shower this am. She even said she felt so much better after it!
Same here with 11y-o DD!
Nice toiletries DO help but it still is a struggle. I have decided not to make it an issue unless it becomes too bad (hair so greasy it hurts my eyes ot look at it for example).
As others have said I console myself with the thought she will get out of it one day.
Sad thing is my soap-dodger younger DS never looks or smells dirty to DD can't understand why I'm harassing her more than him over it!
Another tip: we have a 1x week swim so when she and her sister are showering afterwards I just hand them the shampoo and conditioner. They are already there and wet, so it isn't that much more effort to wash their hair!
Maybe some bath oils, rather than bubbles for those that are eczema prone. Pain to clean bath after, but moisturising rather than drying.
DD1, who's 11, will only have a shower if she is frogmarched to the bathroom, and always forgets to wear deodorant. She often whiffs, but just shrugs when I point it out. So I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. But I vaguely remember being the same at that age, until peer pressure at boarding school took effect.
Contrast this with DS (12), who is constantly in the shower, and keeps Lynx in business with the amount he splashes over himself.
You need to be more firm & let her know that bad personal hygiene is unacceptable, not only for her own dignity, but out of respect to other people who are sitting next to her and noticing the smell.
It all very well not wanting to hurt her feelings, but she is 11, she needs to get into the habit of washing herself. Tell her you expect her to bath or shower everyday or you take away pocket money, days out etc. Sounds harsh but she is being lazy & needs sorting out. I did the same with my own kids & they soon got into the habit.
Well done, now praise her to the skies! Tell her she's gorgeous, deserves to feel good all the time, and to keep it up or her friends might call her stinky if she doesn't have a scrub every other day or whatever. At our school the headmistress used to give us lectures on the importance of 'being nice to be near' which put the fear of god into me, don't suppose they're allowed to do that these days.
It may be that she would be better having a strip wash and doing her hair over the sink. It's generally not so good for eczema to have a shower or bath every day. Difficult to balance though.
Sanex Zero is ok for my dd's eczema-y skin - I would buy her a selection of nice products (check for soap free) and deodorants, hair products etc and it might encourage her to shower more.
I just did a lot of screeching when mine baulked at showering at age 10-11. I also picked people up and dragged them to the bathroom. They always refused my offer to help them take their clothes off..
Constant screeching really works.
I took them out shopping and allowed them to choose a deodorant for themselves. Also their own shampoo, conditioner, and soap.
It really helped that they all had a teacher who wasn't one bit shy of making remarks about BO to children in front of the whole class. She used to give them a talk at the start of the year where she outlined the hygiene standards she expected and the consequences for arriving in school smelly, greasy, with dirty fingernails, whiffy clothing and underwear, etc. Thank you Mrs L.
A lot of it is pure laziness at that age, and inability to resist the lure of the tv or the video game/inertia. I agree with Campari there -- forget about the nicey nicey approach. They have to get used to the habit for their own sakes and out of respect for everyone else.
With eczema, a strip wash can be irritating as it often involves a washcloth.
Cool to lukewarm water is often recommended for baths or showers.
My dd isn't too bad, but ds has always needed encouragement. He just doesn't see washing as a priority in life. We just tell them it's shower night, and make sure the chore for the child that's doesn't opt to shower first is something neither of them want to do. Plus no TV/X-box etc. ds feels ever so put upon, but the shower happens so we really couldn't care less.
I can understand a child with eczema being more reluctant because the hassle factor is so much higher. When I was in my early teens I was a bit of soap dodger and had my hair cut really short partly to avoid my mum having a go (greasiness much less obvious with very short hair!)
Join the discussion
Please login first.