Swearing angry 12 year old - what consequences would you give?

[Stepmumm]

We have house rules, like no hitting/swearing/respect etc but the 12 year old DS is forever breaking them. We've tried no x box/tv time/pocket money,but he just keeps going until he's lost the lot - what else can we do? He just doesn't get it, will swear blind hes not done anything even though I've seen it, and keep arguing and arguing until he's lost everything. I'm at a loss as to how I can make him understand and what I can do when he's lost everything as he may as well just keep arguing and raging then!

1. For example, what would you do if you've told them to settle down and SDS puts his tv back on? Personally, I would have switched it off, however, DP just said to leave it (he's fed up with the constant battles) and I'm so fed up with SDS anger towards me I decided not to intervene as he would have kicked off at me again.
   
   
2. Also, how do you deal with his swearing etc in front of our other kids? Had a situation the other night where they were going to watch a film in his room (he's the only one with a tv in his room) before going to sleep, he kicked off, swearing etc calling me awful swearing names, would you have removed the other kids from the room? I wanted to but again he would have got in a complete rage (it was bad enough as it was).
   
   What would you have done in those 2 scenarious?
   
   I'm at the point where I don't want to deal with SDS constant battles (however my DP is struggling to cope), and deal with just my kids :(

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

I'd take the fuse out of the plug on his TV.

If he wants the privilege of having a TV in his room he has to earn it.

[iloveberries]

have you tried talking to him? I mean really talking to him to see if you can ascertain what's causing the behaviour? Rather than going straight to punishment?

do you have an open relationship with him?

[HecateTrivia]

My youngest swears compulsively. I put him on the treadmill. It works. He hates it, but it works. A good run, run off his energy, release those endorphins.

perhaps instead of losing something for a fixed period of time, he has to earn it back once lost. That way he knows that the more he carries on, the longer he goes without it, it won't be given back the next hour/day/whatever the loss period is, but he only gets it back once behaviour has improved. That way he's got an incentive to behave well. Or make use of it at all conditional on good behaviour. 1 day's good behaviour = 1 hour on X.

1. remove the tv from the room.
   
   
2. remove the other children from the room and bugger the tantrum.
   
   I do think you should try reversing the games/pocket money thing from being removed for bad behaviour to being given for good behaviour.
   
   In the short term. In the long term I know a lot of people say you shouldn't give rewards for behaviour that should be expected, but right now you're just trying to change an unacceptable behaviour and you should go with what works, whatever that is.

[MoreCatsThanKids]

We dont have TVs (or wii or mobile phone) in bedrooms - asking for trouble IMO. But if we did it would have been removed or if no physically possible switched off (how ever many times necessary) Def remove younger kids.

Why did he kick off though? Didnt want little ones in room/share TV? He does need to know there are consequences to his actions but why is he behaving like this?

If he is SDS does he only live with you part time? Does he behave like this when with his 'other family' - how is it dealt with. It is important to be consistant if possible, though if he has no rules at his 'other house' he is going to find it difficult to stick to yours.

Dont give up on him - he sounds very unhappy to me - i would be trying to work out why

[Stepmumm]

He lives with us 24/7. He kicked off as i told him off for putting his finger up his brothers bottom (messing about at bathtime but its another concern). I also told his younger brother off as he bit SDS privates, so they both were told off the same.

I've tried talking to him but he's unable to tell me what the matter is and our relationship is becoming increasingly tense.

[MoreCatsThanKids]

May be getting the wrong idea here, but does he need a bit more privacy?

Have only a DD of 13, so no experience of boys, but a 12 year old might be feeling like he dosnt want siblings around whilst bathing? Also not wanting to 'share' TV in room? As I said ^ we dont have TVs in bedrooms (not even adults) but isnt the point of your own TV that you choose what to watch and watch on your own?

Also (and forgive me if jumping to more assumptions) it sounds like your DP leaving this to you and therefore you are the 'evil step mother' - has your DP tried talking to SDS in a calm moment? Do they spend time together (just the two of them)?

Twelve is a difficult age for girls, i know, i imagine it is for boys too

[Stepmumm]

Thanks more than, i've suggested he has his own room and that is happening soon. I've also said he should have a shower which he now does, the issues happen before and after when they're messing about.

I usually do bathtimes whilst dp does our meal, although i'm thinking i really need to step back from SDS and let DP deal with it though i know he's at the end of his tether :(

[ll31]

i really dont see why he's having bath/showers with his younger siblings tbh - would stop that for start and give him some privacy.. Think you can't deal with his behaviour on your own tho you need to agree method of dealing with dp

[Stepmumm]

ll31 he isn't - he has shower (in a different room), the younger ones have baths. Its just they all have them at the same time-ish

Any suggestions of method of dealing with dp? Personally I think he should take the lead discipline (particularly as its his ds).