Talking to son about an issue without totally destroying mutual trust - stumped.

[PreteenNightmares]

Not my usual screen-name as I can't bear the thought of my son accidentally reading this.

We finally caved in and agreed to allow the 12YO a Facebook account, on the grounds that he was moving away to a new school and wanted an easy, lightweight way to keep up with his mates. The main condition was that he used as default an email address to which we had access, and shared his login details (we didn't actually specify that he should add us as friends, but he went ahead and did that off his own bat).

His account still emails messages that are sent via chat when he's offline, which meant that this "delightful" snippet appeared in my inbox last night:

"[12YO]: If you had to f [name of young and attractive teacher] where would u f here and it can't be in a bed"

• that's sent by him to his mate.
  

Thought processes I have gone through:

• teen boys do this. It's not completely outside bounds of normality
  
• a bit shocked by the language (he didn't use asterisks, I'm just being prudish) as he's usually such a polite boy
  
• very cross about the 'objectification' of the teacher, and also feeling it's massively inappropriate
  
• horribly aware that I only know this "by accident" and what else is he saying?
  
• horribly aware that written-down things can be used against their writers
  
• horribly aware that if I make it clear I've seen it, he may withdraw/feel that I've been intrusive.
  

What I want to do is find a way of talking to him generally about the main 'issues' - objectification of women, not writing stuff down you may later regret. But I can't think of a way of broaching it that doesn't make it clear I've seen the message and risk him feeling that our mutual trust has been violated.

Any advice would be appreciated as I don't feel I can just ignore it and pretend I haven't seen it.

[MediumOrchid]

I think the key thing here is that he knew you had access to the email account so had he stopped to think about it would have known you would read the message. It's not like you went snooping in his account.

Perhaps the way to start is something like 'So I had an interesting email from Facebook last night...' and see what he has to say. He'll probably be very embarrassed but I don't think you'll lose his trust as you didn't deliberatly snoop.

If you keep the conversation light but make it clear that you are dissapointed in him by what he's written maybe that will have the desired effect. I think you're right that teen boys do this but it is a good chance to have a discussion about the objectification of women.

[CeliaFate]

The main condition was that he used as default an email address to which we had access, and shared his login details (we didn't actually specify that he should add us as friends, but he went ahead and did that off his own bat). That shows you weren't snooping on him. He has made a mistake. I'd be mortified if my son sent that too, but he may just be trying to fit in with his friends and be "one of the gang".

I would print it out and leave it on his bed. The shame and fear he'll feel will be a punishment. When he's seen it, leave him for 15 minutes and then talk to him about all the things that concern you.

Also remind him of internet safety - anyone with access to that email could print it out and show it to the teacher which could have serious repercussions for him. A good message is "whatever you put on Facebook, imagine you're saying out loud at a party." That's how private it is. Once it's out there, you cannot take it back.

A hard lesson, but how you handle it will determine whether he will share things with you in future.

[PreteenNightmares]

Thank you both. That "so I had an interesting email..." turned out to be the perfect opener, MediumOrchid - in fact, his whole demeanour was almost as if he'd been expecting me to bring it up. And the person who first used the phrase "objectification of women" in our conversation was HIM. ???

There may be a longer conversation to be had there, as although he'd come across the concept, I'm not sure he totally got the full implications... still, it's a start.

CeliaFate, THANK YOU - the printing-out is a brilliant idea; missed using it this time but is def one I will note down for future - so much a better way of making clear that just because you think it's private doesn't mean the people who run the site agree. Great quote too.

Probably sounds as though I'm tying myself up in knots over nothing very significant, but it's the first really 'adult' issue I've had to deal with for him, and he's my eldest. Floundered a bit. Thank goodness for Mumsnet.

xx