This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Unsure abortion, third child with ASD help :(

(11 Posts)
BlueOcean26 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:57:04

Hi everyone I'm in need of some advice,
I started the pill and it hasn't worked for me (turns out it didn't work for my mum either) I only went on the pill lately as I have always had the rod implanon in my arm but had a bad one and had to have an op to remove it.
Long story short I'm an emotional wreck I can't stop crying I found out Friday I'm pregnant with my fourth child. I have a 9 & 8 year old who are NT no problems at all and then my 4 year old has autism.
I am worried what the chances are of this next baby having asd to or something else and also my husband is scared about going back to all the baby stuff again just as our youngest has started school and he doesn't think our son would cope with the noise of a new baby etc. But said he would support my decision whatever it may be.
I feel stuck I have been crying constantly and even dreaming about it as I am booking tomorrow to have abortion for next week but I don't know if I am going to emotionally cope, if I'm like this now what will I be like actually having to do it? Will the emotions stop after or will I live with guilt forever but then is the risk worth it having the baby and possibly having SN I don't know what to do sad worse position I have been in all my life and I don't know what the right decision is! Xx

minipie Sun 25-Sep-16 23:02:41

Ah sending you a massive hug. Do you feel like you want another child - you don't say in your post?

BlueOcean26 Mon 26-Sep-16 06:56:51

I know it would be a big thing going back to it all again but I know we would cope as everyone does I think it's the daunting decision of odds of having another child with special needs I don't know if it's common for people to have another child on the spectrum straight after having a child that is, especially as my oldest two are fine it's just thrown my decision and I'm on the borderline of what to do my heart tells me to keep my baby as I keep holding my tummy and I know I shouldn't because I'm.bonding with it but then my brain is thinking is it worth the risk of changing everything in our lives sad x

minipie Mon 26-Sep-16 10:55:27

I think there is an increased risk of ASD for younger siblings of children with ASD yes article here. However it's still an 80% chance that the sibling would not have ASD. I can appreciate that 20% may still be too big a risk for you though.

I think a lot depends on how you think you would feel in the future if you had an abortion now. Do you think you would feel guilty or regret it? Or would you be able to tell yourself that it was the right decision for all the family, and so you shouldn't feel guilty or regret it? I know it's hard to tell how you might feel in future thanks

BlueOcean26 Mon 26-Sep-16 11:37:03

I personally think I would spend my life regreting it even though I know logically an abortion is probably the best thing to do even though I can't stand the thought of it but emotionally I don't think I will stop thinking about it and think I will be a constant mess. I rang today and booked the abortion for Friday but so the date is set but our minds need to be made up by then I asked my husband to think about how he would feel having another baby properly and explained how I think it will effect me more aborting even though I know it probably the best thing to do. To top it off our first family holiday to Greece abroad has been booked in July and Thursday we have to pay a huge some down on it as well and I don't know what I'm doing till Friday and I woukd be due the same month we go on holiday so I have all that money to loose as well even though the money means nothing to me I just can't believe I'm in this situation sad x

minipie Mon 26-Sep-16 11:43:46

Can I suggest you have a call with BPAS or Marie Stopes? They will listen to you talk through your thoughts and worries and can help you decide - they won't tell you what to do but just someone to talk things through with. It is a tough situation, at the end of the day it's about what's best for your family but that includes you and your feelings. So sorry you are in this position

lavenderpekins Mon 26-Sep-16 11:48:54

How severe is your dc's autism op?

I conceived my dc1 a bit like this. Perhaps this child is a bit of miracle? My dc1 is on the spectrum but now at 10 his symptoms have calmed down hugely..! So much so it's not obvious at all and he's top of his class for science.

I'm now expecting dc4 any day and my other children are SO excited!

KondosSecretJunkRoom Mon 26-Sep-16 11:57:27

Just because 'everyone copes' (and some people don't) doesn't mean that coping is enough. Coping is the bear minimum before the shit hits the fan, it's the last rung before not coping.

I don't mean to influence your decision beyond a nudge to let you know that this choice should include room for you to live happily and comfortably, whichever that decision is for you.

Xenophile Mon 26-Sep-16 13:33:20

I have two DCs with ASD.

I became pregnant again when DC2 was 2.

I agonised for a week or so but in the end, the only sensible choice for us all was to have an abortion. There was no way I could have dealt with another child with ASD. There are women who can, and more power to them, but two was enough. DC1 had reacted really badly to DC2's birth, which meant I had had not been able to properly spend time with DC2, I would not put another child through that again.

Both DCs difficulties looked like they had calmed down around the age of 10, and then puberty hit.

You will make the correct decision for your family, as I made the correct one for mine.

Caipira Mon 26-Sep-16 13:53:18

flowers

My 3rd has Aspergers and ADHD. My 4th is NT like my first two. But we were actually trying for baby #4, even though at 2 years old I had a hunch about #3.

How severe is your son's autism? Is it likely to affect your ability to cope with him and a new baby? What help do you have? Family? Do you have professional help? My son was amazing with his little brother. They are best friends and often #4 who is now 4 is great at helping his brother cope with the world.

I don't want to influence your decision. You are not me. My experience is no indication of how your life will be.

You will make the right choice for you, it sounds like you might need to talk this through with people who know you and your situation better and who are in a better position to give you advice.

VilootShesCute Mon 26-Sep-16 13:59:43

flowers

We had a severely disabled daughter and had genetic testing with both subsequent pregnancies because we just couldn't have dealt with what we all went through again. It is the hardest decision to make but I feel, despite it being a very hard thing to go through and deal with, we would have had to terminate any pregnancy if the results had come back positive. All I can do is send love and hugs and hope you make the right choice for you.

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