Please help - just found out I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do

[Scaredoutofmymind]

Hello,

I'm hoping that some of you lovely people out there can help with what I'm going through. I'm 28, husband is is 33 and we've been married for 7 months. I have a good job but maternity pay is only statutory. My husband is currently out of work. He took redundancy a few months ago and has done the odd contract here and there but nothing stable.

Last night I took a test and it was positive. This is quite possibly the WORST time I could have gotten pregnant. We're living in rented accommodation, husband has not job and he's said several times that he's not where near ready to have a child.

I hardly slept last night. When I first found out I was devastated. How could I be so stupid? He's admitted to me that he doesn't want me to keep it. I respect that because it seems like the sensible thing to do would be to have an abortion and try again at a later date. I'm very sensible...but now that I know it's there it's not so easy to just do the sensible thing.

I don't think he'll change his mind which means it will put a tremendous strain on our relationship if I decide to go through with the pregnancy. Maybe I'd resent the decision for less time than he'd resent having a child he felt forced into.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I have a few weeks to think about it. I can't seem to focus at work and I'm terrified I'll ruin my relationship if I don't have an abortion but worried that I'll always regret it if I do.

Any advice would be welcome.

Thanks

[toadierocks]

Hi

You should ask this to be moved to the 'pregnancy choices' section - you'll probably get more advice from there.

[mellowyellow1]

I would give yourself a bit of time before making any final decisions. I have been in a similar situation and terminated for similar reasons, it wasn't easy but it also wasn't the right time to have a child. And now pregnant again and still not really "ready" or in the perfect position, also renting and partner not bringing in a lot of money.

What your husband needs to realise is that there is never a perfect time and he shouldn't put pressure on you either way. It has to be your decision totally. If you decide to terminate it has to be because YOU don't want a baby and not because he is forcing you into it.

[NameChange30]

"How could I be so stupid?"

Hang on a minute... It take two people to make a baby! So surely if there was mistake made (eg by not using contraception or not using it properly) it was just as much his mistake as yours?

[mellowyellow1]

Agree with Emma it's not "stupid" or your fault. These things happen to a lot of women. Don't think that it's all your fault.

[elliej83]

I'm in a similar position.. I took redundancy and am now pregnant. I won't be eligible for anything but statutory and we get married in July and I don't know what to do about telling them.
The different is probably that my partner is supportive that we will muddle through.
You've talked about the right thing to do and what your partner wants to do but what do you want to do deep down? You are 28, in 29 and also with a slightly older partner. When will he be ready if he isn't now? Might it give him the shove to find full time work or has he been really trying?

[NameChange30]

"he's said several times that he's not where near ready to have a child"

Does he definitely want a child at some point? Does he have an idea about when he will be ready? Are there certain things he wants to have in place, such as a stable job and/or home ownership?

I would be a bit wary of a 33yo married man saying he is "nowhere near ready"... What if he's not ready in 5 years, 10 years even? It will be a lot harder for you to conceive then.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi there, we're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic now.

for you, OP. We really hope you're okay.

[Stroopwaffel]

Don't have a termination for anyone else, even your partner op. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but until you've been there you can't begin to understand the feelings which come with an abortion you didn't want.

A lot of men aren't best pleased at an unplanned pregnancy - my dp for example (the second time I had an unplanned pregnancy there was no way in hell I would have a termination for someone else) - they come round when the baby's here. Do what is right for you- no one else. Speak to a counsellor, that could be helpful..

[Lurkedforever1]

Physical complications aside, a termination should only ever be because the woman doesn't feel she wants/could cope etc with a baby at that time. Not because you want it but your partner doesn't, or because you want it but think financially it's bad timing. It's got to be because you and you alone want a termination.

I'm pro choice, but very much against women having them because others make them feel they should, because that's often why women later regret or question their decision.

And unless there are other complex reasons, I don't think anyone should ever try to influence a woman's personal opinion on what she wants to do.

[NameChange30]

I agree with Stroop and Lurked. I do think counselling would be a good idea - they will help you consider your options and feelings without pressuring you either way. I think abortion providers have specialist counsellors you can see? Or you could ask your GP. How many weeks pregnant are you?

[Scaredoutofmymind]

Thank you all for your messages.

We've talked about it some more. He doesn't really understand and it always seems to get to the point where I'm too upset to talk about it anymore and there's no conclusion. It's strange because even though I know he loves me I feel quite lonely at the moment.

I'm going to have a counselling session next week.

I think I'm five weeks pregnant so I still have a few weeks to think about what I want to do.

It's good to know that there are people on here I can talk to. There's very few people I can talk to in person right now as I'm not sure how their reaction would affect the way I feel, if that makes sense?

[AuntieStella]

I'm glad to see that you have counselling booked, and ai really hope it helps you sort things out.

Assuming you're in UK, the laws surrounding termination of pregnancy are entirely framed in terms of the wellbeing of the woman. And although I realise I might be reading too much between the lines of your posts, the impression I get from them is you want to keep this baby (because you keep having conflict and difficulty with his reaction). Apologies if that's not the case, but I hoped it might be helpful to say how it seemed to be coming across.

[NameChange30]

I'm glad you have counselling booked, too. That should be helpful.

You do have plenty of time to decide, so if you need to take a break from discussing it with DH, just to get things clear in your own head, that might be a good idea.

Do you have a sister you're close to or a good friend who would be supportive, someone who would listen and not pressure you either way?

And you can always talk to us (well, it's not actually talking, but you know what I mean!)

If you ignore DH's opinion completely, or assume he is neutral or OK with all the options, do you know what you would like to do? Or is it difficult to work that out when you know how strongly DH feels about it?