I don't know what to do....terminate or not....help...

[trailerpark]

I hope this is the right place to post this.
I just can't work out what to do. I have found out I'm pregnant, by accident, at the age of 40. I have two DC already and hadn't ruled out the idea of three, but have been shocked by my reaction. I'm not sure I can cope with three. We have moved house recently and the house needs a lot of work and is getting me down. I was planning on a career change and was about to start working it out and getting back to work, when this happened.
I am panicked by my age; health wise and in terms of if I have another baby am I ruling out any chance of a career.
I also can't work out if my fear of not coping is tied up with the current situation, ie the house and being a SAHM which perhaps doesn't suit me very well.
Also we don't have much money at the moment.
My head tells me to terminate for all the reasons above, but I am scared I will regret it and it's now or never really, so I am closing the door on any more children for good.
I have been for one session with the counsellor at the hospital and they booked a termination for me, but I am still undecided. They told me to take my time. How does a person make this decision? It's so hard to know how you will feel isn't it? Does anyone have any advice? Much appreciated....x

[SoyaTea]

My advice would be to see another counsellor and to talk through your situation and feelings, talk to your partner and give yourself a bit more time to think it through.

I am hesitant to tell you what you should do, but I would say you need to be sure this is the right decision for you before you go ahead. Being undecided can sometimes result in regrets that are hard to live with.

[trailerpark]

Thanks Soya, I am trying to get another appointment with counsellor....to try and work it out...

[PeachOwl]

It is a very difficult decision to make and I'm not sure many people can make it without some regrets (either because they made that choice or that they found themselves in the position of having to make a choice).

I wish I could offer some advice but the best I can do is say keep talking, maybe write down your worries and look at ways around them and remember it's ok to say this isn't right for you now. It doesn't have to be now or never, if you can't cope with another baby right now (or ever) that's ok it doesn't make you a bad person or selfish or any of the things most of think about ourselves.

Keep posting here if it helps and we will support you whichever decision you make.

[thisisnow]

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do as it's such a hard decision, I don't think there is a right or wrong decision to be honest you just have to weigh up your options and go with what your heart tells you to do in that split moment, sorry if that sounds cold or cynical as that's not my intention.

Talking to a counsellor is a good idea as they will be impartial to the situation.

Hope you're as ok as you can be

[PeachOwl]

I also say this on every thread that being unsure doesn't make termination the wrong choice or the right one it just means that it's a difficult one.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

If you hadn't ruled out having a third, how did you see it fitting in with your plans? Is there going to be a better time than now to have another baby? (assuming you could have one when you wanted to - which we all know isn't a given!).

[trailerpark]

Thanks for all your replies and support....mn is so wonderful.

It sounds a bit stupid (and to be honest I feel stupid to be in this position) but I hadn't really thought it through about having a third, I just had never ruled it out, in the way a lot of people I know have. I mean they have two and are very clear and sure that they are done with having babies.

I am really rubbish at knowing how I am going to feel/react to a situation until it happens, so I didn't really know how I felt until this happened and I panicked. This isn't a very helpful way to be when it comes to making decisions.

The counsellor can't see me today, but I'll try her again. The last time I saw her, she did suggest that terminating this pregnancy is making a commitment to the children/family I do have now, which sort of stuck with me. she said having another baby could be seen as a distraction....of sorts, a distraction away from the children I have and the life I lead now.....or something.

I am quite frightened by going through another pregnancy and birth, plus I worry about the children I do have, and how they will feel, and how I will feel about my life.

If I have a termination now, I think I have to come to terms with this being it....no more children. There is a relief in that but it also feels sad....and sensible, and I'm not used to being sensible....it doesn't come naturally to me, but maybe now is a good time to try...

[ChippingInLatteLover]

TP

What were you doing to avoid pregnancy? (You don't have to answer here, but just have a think about it!.) Was it belt & braces or a bit more hit & miss?

Unfortunately the hormones zapping around you when you are pregnant don't make decision making any easier.

If you really struggle with not knowing how you will feel until a situation happens, then if you do decide to have a termination you are going to need to make sure you have a really good support network on hand. It could hit you really badly.

I don't know how much you have taken what the counsellor said out of context, but going from what you have written there, you would be better to see someone else. She sounds very pro termination and it's not what you need, you need someone totally neutral to help you work through it.

You already have a commitment to your children, having a third doesn't make you any less committed to the others!! A distraction???? Christ. Do you want or love DC1 any less because you have DC2?

Ok, so, you hadn't thought one way or another about DC3. Fair enough. Have a think now. IF you decide you want a third DC is there going to be a better time than now to have it? Is there any part of your life/plans that will make it easier to have another DC in a few years?

Have you spoken to your DH yet? What does he think?

[trailerpark]

Thank you Chipping, these questions are good ones. I will think them over.

My DH isn't sure we can cope with another child...but he is worried about how I will feel to terminate....and also to go through with it. I haven't been very happy lately, mostly due to circumstances (house, not working) that are changing and will keep changing, hopefully for the better.

The gp I had to get the referral from was even more pro termination. He basically said, you've got two DC, forget it......you'll feel down for a few days, maybe a few months, but then you can get on with your life....I was quite surprised.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Fuck me - the GP said WHAT???

Mind you HE said.... says it all really doesn't it :( You should report him, he shouldn't be saying utter shit like that.

He's clearly referred you to someone who shares his view. Please go somewhere else to talk to someone, marie stopes, or something similar.

Whatever you do, don't listen to those two fuckwits.

Some people might feel like that, but I would be NONE of them were 'shocked but HAPPY' when they got a BFP.

It is understandable that DH is concerned you wont cope with another child, I think most parents of 17 month old twins would feel the same, but they aren't 17 months forever. They'll be 2 when the baby arrives and yes, it'll make for a fun year... but it will soon pass and you will look back on it as 'that year'. Roll with the punches, aim for 'good enough' and give up on 'perfect' for a year and it'll come right.

I'm not trying to encourage you to keep a baby you don't want, I'm just encouraging you to do what's right for you and not be blindsided by these idiots telling you that you will be 'distracted' from your first two DC and not committed to them and will be over a termination in a couple of days.... it's scary they are saying things like that.

You were happy (if shocked) - I'd put my money on you NOT dealing very well with a termination :(

[PeachOwl]

I'm not sure if I'm reading right so please correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds to me more as if you want reassuring that you will be strong enough to cope with having a termination and feeling you will be a family of 4 forever as much as reassurance that you could cope with another child? I've had a termination (i also have 2 dc though I think older than yours) and having had the pregnancy I did which ended in termination I can safely say it's unrealistic that I will ever be able to cope with pregnancy (babies/children fine, pregnancy nearly killed me) so part of the counselling I had has been dealing with that feeling of closure. You would cope just the same way you would cope if you continue the pregnancy, because you have other children who need you.

Keep talking to your dh, see if you can speak to another counselor (maybe Marie stoped or bpas can help?) and you will make the right choice for you now. My gp said we can only do what we think will be the right choice. My counselor said there is no right or wrong choice and we make it the right choice afterwards.

[PeachOwl]

I was shocked and VERY happy to be be unexpectedly pregnant until it quickly became very obvious I couldn't continue the pregnancy and I'm ok almost a year later. Sad yes but moving on and happy. My counselor was right in that for me there was no right path just 2 difficult paths and I've made this path the right one by using it to improve my life and find more happiness. (i hope that makes sense?!)

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Sorry if I've missed this but how many weeks are you OP? Hopefully you have time to think. Assuming it's early days you don't have to rush.

I'm not sure that having a termination now would definitely mean no more children in the future, would it? Plenty of people have a termination and then go on to have a child when the time is right.

Do you know what it is that you and your DP don't feel that you can cope with? Can you talk through that and maybe come up with alternatives?

I hope you can get to see a decent, neutral counsellor to talk this through with you.

[trailerpark]

I am about six weeks.

Thanks for your replies. I think I did take that counsellor out of context a little - as her words were in response to what I said to her....they were suggestions I think.....as in....'you could see that having a termination is a commitment to your current family' - but I did come away feeling she was a bit directional.

The gp was a locum, I'd never met him before....he was quite shocking. I think he said it because I seemed so depressed when I went to see him.
(not making excuses for him though).

The counsellor was the one at the hospital - so she works solely with women/couples and pregnancy/mc/top etc. I have another appointment with her, but can't afford to pay to see someone else.

I think it would be helpful to write some stuff down.

I find I change my mind within hours. Some mornings I feel quite positive about it and think we'll find a way through. Then I am plunged into despair at the thought of doing it all again and panic. So I don't know what I'm looking for, sometimes it's support with termination, though I have been through this before, that I will be ok, and in some ways I'm looking for encouragement that three children is fine and we will all thrive...though reading through some threads on here, I realise that's not always the case.

I really appreciate that no one can tell me what to do, and also agree with there not being a right or wrong way to go. I have to decide what's best for us and then make it work.

[PeachOwl]

One of the things that really helped me was to write a list of things I would need if we continued the pregnancy (i remember writing rest, x£ for childcare etc) and then ticking the ones we had and working out if we could get the ones we didn't. In my case time to rest and someone tolook after the dc on the days iI couldn't get out of bed or was in hospital were the ones we couldn't fix and remembering how difficult things were always helps on the days I feel down. Something like that might help you work out if you are worried and could overcome the obstacles or if it's too much. There is nothing to stop you trying again when the time is better. I am working towards being able to think about trying again although it's rather a way off yet as I need huge amounts of help or a cure for hg!!

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

There is no right or wrong answer (as you know), it's so hard to offer advice.

I always think there're lots of ways to look at things to try to tease out your "real" reaction. Making a list of practicalities can be helpful.

Asking yourself "if we can cope financially, would I be ok with this?" Might help you see if you're worrying about things, but actually do want the baby.

I don't think you can guess how you'll react, lots of women move on without any issues at all, lots find it hard and feel guilty. It's impossibly to know.

Could you make the decision and then see how you feel about it? Decide you are going to terminate (or keep the baby), how do you feel? Give yourself a couple of days with that decision. Do you feel regret or relief (probably both, but which do you feel more?). Are you focussing on what could have been instead of what will be? See how you genuinely feel, talk to dh about it, see how he really feels. Ask him not to say what he thinks you want to hear, or what is best for you, see if you can get to the bottom of what he really wants to, it may help you make a decision.

Sorry if that's completely useless, but remember that whichever decision you make is the right one for you. And you can change your mind if you want to.

[trailerpark]

That is actually really helpful.....thank you so much for taking the time...

[confusedandemployed]

Earlier this year I was 40 and unexpectedly pregnant. Initially happy, a bit shell-shocked, but looking forward to having another child. Then DD became ill and it clouded literally EVERYTHING about our lives. DP, who was never particularly enthusiastic but supported me and my right to choose, stated outright that he didn't think we could cope with another child, after all who knew what DD's diagnosis would be?

I made the decision to terminate because of DD's (ultimately not serious at all and now completely cured) condition. The stress of it all was almost unbearable.

I do regret the termination, but I don't regret making the decision at the time. We were right - it would have been hell with another child and our DD being sick. Happily she is fine now. I still wonder every day about the baby we didn't keep and I feel sad about it all, but I am at peace with my decision.

[Springheeled]

You still have time and space to think. Give it real thought. Then go with your heart? Maybe? I don't know.
For me, with no dh/dp, two dcs with the youngest just out of nursery and into school, a full time job and a mound of debt, not to mention two horrendous births, it was still a tricky decision and not without tears and regret. In your position I have no idea what I would do- just think and talk and feel for as long as you need.
There will always be the path you didn't take. You need to know for sure you can commit to the one you do take.

[Springheeled]

Ps once when I was trying to make a major decision my dsis got me to stand in the middle of the room and literally 'walk through' it- stopping to visualise and sound out how I was feeling.... Sounds a bit woo but it really did help me to decide as I felt so strongly - and surprisingly strongly- at one point. Maybe you could try that?

[trailerpark]

confused - that's a bit how it is for us...we don't have an ill child, but our situation right now has suddenly become harder....

Springheeled - thanks for that, I think that's what I need to do, doesn't sound woo to me.