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Pregnancy

Really difficult situation, surrogacy.

20 replies

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:00

I will be easily identifyable to people involved in this so I have changed my username.

My husbands sister cannot have babies, she can produce eggs but cannot carry them.

Years ago, I told her that if she ever needed me to carry her baby I would.

Since then she has had several attempts to have a child with her mother as surrogate, each failed.

Time has passes and there are many issues surround this that compicate things (in so far as she cannot go ahead and implant any of the embyoes left as she has not got permisssion to do so anymore by the embryoes father)

But, I know that they will not allow her mother to try to have a baby for her anymore as she is getting older now (45)

And it could be years until she gets the oppotunity and my MIL will then be nearly 50.

I feel stuck.

I am close to my SIL but its such a hard subject that I don't feel I can bring it up, we don't see her too often and its hard to 'drop it in' during a conversation.

I am totally mixed up over the thought of me being a surrogate for her, in so many levels I feel I could do it, but theres things I need to discuss with her in depth first.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no point in me deliberating over this as I don't know if she even considers 'me' to be an option.

She could be sat somewhere scared to ask me, or she might not want me to be the person to carry her child.

I just feel a bit in limbo about it all and feel terribly guilty when I heard things about her attempts and now she has moved on to adoption, so does that mean she doesn't think anyone will carry for her?

Sorry if I am waffleing.

OP posts:

Report

LynetteScavo · 06/06/2010 20:07

I bet she wouldn't really care less who carried her child as long as they handed the baby over, and didn't do anything harmfull while pg.

Could you really be a surrogate? I know it's something thing I could never do for anyone, or any amount of money, etc.

I agree it's not something you can dowp into conversation. Either sit down and discuss it with her, or leave it, and it will go unspoken that you couldn't do it.

herjazz · 06/06/2010 20:10

I would wait for her to bring it up. You have already offered. She is not in a position to go ahead with anything anyway. I would just leave it at that

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:13

I've been considering it for 6 years now Lynette,

My SIL is the most wonderful, loving person ever. She was made to be a mother. She would be perfect. It seems so cruel.

I have finished my family, I have been blessed with beautiful children, if I could give her the gift of a baby I think I really would,

I'm not under any impression it will be some wonderful thing, I'm well aware of the procedure and the possible emotional turmoil of it all...

but if I couldn't have babies I would beg someone to help me I just feel like if I can, and I think I could, then I should at least talk to her.

OP posts:

strandedatsea · 06/06/2010 20:14

You need to decide if you could really do it before you discuss it with her. You don't want to get her hopes up. Have you really thought it through, talked to people who have done it etc? Not something to be entered into lightly. But good for you for at least thinking you would like to help her out, not many people are that kind.

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:15

Herjazz, do you not think it might be hard for her to ask?

That maybe she is waiting for me to offer again?

I'm not sure in her position I could ask someone to do such a huge thing - it seems more like something you volounteer for rather than be recruited to!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 06/06/2010 20:16

Who old is your SIL? I'm wondering how much time is on her side, for her to meet a new man, etc.

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:17

She has a new man, but she cannot afford more treatment with him.

She has embyoes frozen from husband 1 but he will not consent to them being used.

OP posts:

WellMeantHellBent · 06/06/2010 20:20

I think I'll need to do this with my SIL, she is not planning kids just yet but has loads of problems and only one working ovary. I have said I would do it if it is her 'bun' and my 'oven', it would not be my child just me carrying hers. It is not something to be taken lightly and I imagine some sort of contract would need to be drawn up, if she changed her mind while you were pregnant what would you do?

LynetteScavo · 06/06/2010 20:20

So, are you thinking of having a baby with your eggs, and her DP's sperm? surely that would be the cheapest way?

WellMeantHellBent · 06/06/2010 20:21

Who is the embryo father if not her DP? Why does she not have permission now?

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:21

No, she would want her own eggs, if she can't carry the baby I think she would want it to be genetically hers.

OP posts:

WellMeantHellBent · 06/06/2010 20:22

Sorry I see you posted further up

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:22

The embyoes father is her husband, who she has now divorsed for serial cheating

She has had a new partner for over 2 years now.

OP posts:

xkatyx · 06/06/2010 20:23

Hello after reading your thread i had to just write how wondeful you sound and what a selfless thing to do.

I think if it where me i would proberly try and start a concersation off about, your sorry it has taken so long and just gently say i'm willing to help in anyway if you wanted me too. and then leave it at that.

Im sorry proberly not great advice as i have never been in that situation and everyone os diffrent about how they react to things, but like i said i couldnt not post and say what a wounderful thing you are offering.

herjazz · 06/06/2010 20:24

not sure - how did it come up in discussion last time? I think I would remember an offer like you made. Yknow, if it came across as a genuine, ernest offer rather than something a bit more flippant / casual (tho dunno how you'd casually make such an offer anyway)

I think if it were to be something she'd consider again she would at least ask if you genuiinely meant it / what yr feelings were now

how close are you? Do you ever talk about her journey so far with surrogacy? You could always say something in that context like I meant what I said before.. you could always ask me. I have given it considerable thought

WellMeantHellBent · 06/06/2010 20:25

But this husband 1 is not your brother, she is your husband's sister, is that right?

CaptainDumbletwit · 06/06/2010 20:34

Yes she is my husbands sister.

I'm going to talk to her about it so I atleast know where I stand.

It plays on my mind alot as it is a huge thing to undertake and I'd like to know really if it is something I am likely to do or not.

OP posts:

babyboos · 07/06/2010 23:57

dont understand how you can surrogate for her then if she has no fertilised embryos
to use
she cant use her first husbands anymore and she cant afford to have any treatment with her new partner so how can you surrogate for her using her eggs unless you pay for the treatment too??

am i missing something

lucybrad · 08/06/2010 08:59

i think thats why she hasn't asked you - because she has no embryos anyway.

MumNWLondon · 08/06/2010 09:26

Its a diffucult one. If you feel you could do it (and it sounds like you could) why not ask your husband to discuss it with her.

However, from what you said, she has only been with her partner for a couple of years, and can't afford treatment - unless you are offering to pay for the treatment???

It sounds like she hasn't asked becuase its not an option for her now - just say to your DH to mention it to her - if things change for her you are still willing to be surrogate.

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