Don't know how I'm going to cope with DC2... in a bit of a pickle

[BettyButterknife]

I am 10 weeks pregnant with DC2. DS1 is 2.5 and lovely in every way, other than sleep.

For the past 6 months or so, he's woken early, by which I mean around 5am. No matter what we did he would still wake intolerably early - we tried putting him to bed later, earlier, cutting out TV, crying it out, really tiring him out and feeding him up, wake to sleep, and bringing him into bed with us. The only thing that seemed to work for a bit was to cut his daytime nap - eventually he started sleeping from 7pm-6.45am, which was bliss.

However the past couple of weeks he's started waking early again despite not napping. Wednesday morning he woke at 4am. This morning was 5.15am.

I am a state. I'm at that stage of pregnancy where last time I slept as much as I could, I feel knackered and sick all the time and being woken so early is killing me.

This morning when he woke, it reduced me to tears. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I even felt violent towards my DS - imagining going in and clobbering him, I was so angry. This only made me worse, and I got in a right state. I also felt like in some ways I hoped that when I go for my dating scan on Tuesday there is nothing there

I suppose I just remember what the newborn stage is like from first time round, and I hated it so much - the lack of sleep was horrendous, DS was v ill when he was born which was a total shock to the system and having to stay in hospital was the worst experience of my life. Breastfeeding was horrible, I had blisters by day 3, and every time he fed I sobbed with the pain, and I ended up doing mixed feeding from 6 weeks - 4 months, when I gave up bf.

I barely coped then, which terrifies me to think that this time round it'll be worse, as I'll have a 3yo who wakes at the crack of dawn. Not really sure what I'm asking for, but I am at the end of my tether... I just needed to tell someone

[warthog]

can your dh help out with early mornings on weekends so you can catch up?

this is just a stage and may only last a couple more days. my two go through stages where they wake early, and then they wake late. very odd. had to wake dd2 at 8.30 this morning as i was worried she'd be difficult to get to bed later.

rest assured that you WILL cope. your no. 2 is by no means as difficult as no. 1. you already know the bf tricks, how to change nappies, you are prepared for the worst.

i do think that your partner needs to step in and help now.

what we used to do is dh would sleep until 7am. i did all night wakings and early mornings. he'd get up and sort kids out til 8.30, then go to work. but i could sleep 7 - 8.30. made a huge difference.

is that at all possible?

[warthog]

also, my two were very bad at sleeping. all my friends used to boast about 2 - 3 hour lunchtime naps. my 1 yo has a 30 min nap at most. my 3.5 yo stopped lunchtime naps at 18 months. now they sleep beautifully. it IS going to sort itself out with time.

i really do know how you feel - i used to feel quite angry too. took it out on my dh i'm ashamed to say. thank god he was understanding.

be kind to yourself, let the house go, see if you can send washing out as a once off, just to give yourself a break. ask friends for a helping hand. maybe they can cook you a lasagne or something. just so that you have a good homecooked meal without having to do anything.

hth

[BettyButterknife]

Thanks, warthog, that is possible and he has been brilliant in doing that for a while. I suppose I feel like in some ways he doesn't really understand, and I've tried to explain but obviously not in very clear terms as I've worked myself up to this state now. I'll have a sit down with him this weekend and see if we can work something else.

Is it really not so bad with DC2? I can't imagine it won't be! First time at least you start of with some reserves of energy... I reallly don't have anything left at the moment.

[rubyslippedonastraymincepie]

your DS has another few months by which point his sleep may well be improved - it is a long time for a toddler

i can only echo what warthog has said - DC2 is not so much of a shock

my DC1 was poorly and in hospital (including a 4 day admission at 12 days old) and he had reflux so he screamed all day - i was in bits

DC2 is soooo different - yes it is utterly and totally knackering but breastfeeding been a success this time (gave up with DS at 7 weeks) and DD is now 10 weeks and EBF ... DS is 3.5 years and so capable of playing on his own for a bit or watching tv whilst i feed (after some initial meltdowns)

lack of sleep is crap so i do feel for you

[BettyButterknife]

Thanks for your second post too. I suppose it will feel easier once we've told everyone I'm pregnant - I feel so flakey at the moment, being hopeless without a real reason that people are aware of.

Loving your tales of beautiful sleep!

Have already let the house go but I might see about getting a cleaner every once in a while, and maybe seeing if my MIL might help with our laundry as she did when DS was wee.

Thank you x

[StealthPolarBear]

so much can change in the next 6 months.
Also, does he sleep through? can you get in the habit of going to bed at 9.30/10 so you get a good 7 hours sleep?
Agree that baby #2 is easier - certainly been my experience - I have 2.8 DS who wakes at 5ish and is only just getting back to sleeping through since DD was born 12 weeks ago (did it for about 5/6 weeks most nights just before she was born).
So he might get worse before he gets better, but he will get better!

[BettyButterknife]

He generally does sleep though so you're right, I should get to bed earlier. I am normally in bed by 10 but I should make sure I'm asleep by then.

That's one of the things I find difficult is the getting-worse-before-he-gets-better thing! I suppose if I could see a trajectory of improvement(!) I'd be a lot more confident about when this second baby arrives in July! It's when he sleeps a lot worse now than he did when he was 9 months I find it all so infuriating.

[StealthPolarBear]

I know
Sorry, I'm not the best to advise on sleep threads
Congratulations on the pregnancy by the way

[heliotrope]

Hi just to say I'm in a similar situation with the tiredness - my ds is also 2.5 and has had every bug going for the past 6 weeks or so, while I've been in the first trimester and needing my sleep. He's been waking in the night and Daddy won't do, only Mummmy.... also I have picked up two of his colds and really struggled to get better myself without getting proper sleep. I'm now 14 weeks pg but still tired and ill from the ongoing demands of this and a full time job. DP has been good but I have been in tears a couple of evenings just from the tiredness and thinking back to the bliss of the first pregnancy when my sleep was sacred!

Heres hoping we both get a nice rest over christmas and start to feel better for the new year

[hettie]

why the hell are you getting up not your dh?

[Mmmango]

This may not be the most helpful advice ever, but try not to worry too much about after the baby's born - 6 months is a really, really long time from ds1's perspective. He'll probably get better, then worse again, then better again before the baby arrives

My dd2 is just 6 weeks old, I was worried as well but it's okay so far, honestly. It isn't the same and I feel guilty that dd2 doesn't get the same pfb-style attention that dd1 got, but it's inevitable and all nsc's seem to survive, don't they?

Definitely need to get dp/ dh onside to help with dc1, though.

[BettyButterknife]

Thanks, good to hear I'm not the only one, heliotrope!

DP has been really brilliant, we tend to alternate when DS wakes, so it is really fair. He has been letting me sleep a bit more in the mornings, as he knows that I'm wide awake as soon as I hear a peep from DS and find it hard to go back off, whereas he seems to sleep through it a bit more.

I think the way we deal with it is totally different - he gets on with things, whereas I really suffer and it affects my moods a lot more. Especially when pregnant!

Good to hear your positive story Mmmango, glad to hear you're getting on okay.

I wish I wasn't the sort of person to worry about things that haven't happened yet

[TwinkleToes76]

Hi BB

I'm pregnant with my second child and have a 2.2 year old. My daughter was a terrible sleeper. She had colic and wouldn't settle for hours and then woke several times in the night. At 8 months I finally got her sleeping through but she then woke at about 5am for about 10 months, we were all exhausted. I ended up going to bed at 9 to make me feel human the next day but that is no way to live! About 9 months ago I decided enough was enough and used a technique called gradual withdrawal/disappearing chair when putting her to sleep (the end result being that we turn the light off, give her a kiss, put her in bed completely awake and leave the room and she falls asleep on her own). After a week of this she started sleeping from 7.30pm -7.30am, sometimes later! Now, I'm not sure whether she was just ready to do that or whether it was the technique but it seemed to me that as soon as she learnt to fall asleep with no help or company then she managed to stay asleep for longer or get herself back to sleep if she woke early. Do you already do this? If not, might be worth a shot!

[Beanigan]

Hi, I can totally sympathise as I also have the same concerns! My DS is 2yrs 9mths and waking anytime between 5am-6am. Drives me potty. We have one of those bunny alarm clocks set for 6:50am and he hasn't waited for bunny to wake up for 6 months now (may as well chuck it away). We've tried everything from reward charts, to threats of no tv in the morning. He comes through to our bedroom and we immediately take him back to bed until 'bunny wakes up' - this could involve 5 or more trips! (Inevitably we can't get back to sleep after the 1st trip as we're expecting the next pop in any minute).

We've tried to convince DS to play in his room until the bunny wakes up but he always comes in with an excuse - such as can't find his telly, needs a wee (he has a potty in his room), needs a poo (always no shows) and countless other stuff.

My DC2 is due February so we're pretty close now and I'm dreading DH going back to work (he works in another town so is gone for 4 days at a time)..... so this is my plan - although not perfect, may restore a little sanity. DS1 still demands a warm milk when he wakes so I'm taking to bed with me a flask of hot milk (warm by morning)& getting a TV in my bedroom. So any early wake ups mean I'll put cbeebies on quietly, give him his milk, and put the covers over my head !! you never know I may get used to the noise and manage to drop off again.

[MrsJamin]

I'm in a v similar situation. DS is nearly 2 and been waking at (on average) 5.30 since January. I'm just into my 3rd trimester and yes it has been very hard work. I generally get ready for bed at 9pm as I have done for the last 2 years! Not sure how you can make it through to 10pm.

I don't have any great ideas apart from working on your DH to help - as you're certainly going to need his help when the baby comes. It is easy to see how terrible it will be, but you will get through this, and so will I!

[Beanigan]

oops meant can't find his teddy in above post - obviously he doesn't have a tv in his room!!

[jamaisjedors]

Can you put your DS to bed later?

I know this is not v. popular in the Uk but I don't know any French children who get up at 5am, they go to bed around 8.30pm.

We put DS1 to bed at 7pm as a baby, he woke at 5.30am for about 2 years.

With DS2 we were more relaxed, and bedtimes slipped back to about 8.30pm for DS1 and often later for DS2 and now we regularly get a "lie-in" until 8.30 or even 9!

Also, when they go to bed a bit later they can have an afternoon nap for longer.

DS2 was a nightmare at night because of bad reflux, but I used to go to bed in the afternoon with him, and MAKE DS1 stay in his room (storytape, toys, books, whatever) for an hour and a half.

I needed it to survive.

[nickytwotimes]

Betty, it may be that your current stage of pg is colouring your thoughts too. During my first trimester with this one (no.2) I was really ill and couldn't imagine ever coping with anything ever again. However, I am much better now and all the worries I had seem less daunting. I'm not saying I am not nervous, and I still dread the newborn stage, but I don't feel nearly so bad. Maybe when you feela bit better you won't feel so worried.

And yes, your lo might be sleeping better by the time the new baby arrives. My ds wakes pretty early, but I have to say that generally dh has been attending to him while I have been unwell (hyperemisi, but even 'normal' pg requires rest imo). I'd look for a bit more help, maybe evn send your wee one to a cm/nursery if you can afford it while you get a bit of rest?

[MumNWLondon]

At 2.5 probably doesn't need a daytime nap so right to drop that, but at 2.5 they do need around 12 hours so 7pm until 5am is not enough sleep for him.

It depends on what sort of person you are but you need to get him sleeping for longer - you need to decide whether he'd go for a star chart in conjunction with a "bunny" alarm clock or whether you need to do some type of controlled crying in the mornings.

If he previously slept until 6.45am then I guess that should be the aim.... as you say its only been a couple of weeks waking up earlier - and its ages before the baby comes - the early waking could be for various reasons - maybe he needs the toilet (is he toilet trained), or its cold in him room, or he has a cold.

Also can your DP/DH help? Because at this stage of pregnancy you really need your sleep - recommend trying to go to bed at 9pm!

My DS (now 3.5) has gone through several phases of early waking - and whenever it happens again we have a bunny alarm clock and we just go into his room, tell him its still nighttime, bunny is still sleeping and he'll get a sstar on his star chart if he goes back to sleep until the morning like a big boy.

[BettyButterknife]

Thank you so much for all your support and help. It really means a lot to me to hear I am not alone in this!

The weekend was slightly better-ish - Saturday morning he was up at 6.15 but I'd been in bed since 9.30, so that was ok. Sunday he woke for an hour in the night 1-2am, wouldn't settle until we gave him some calprofen (I think his teeth were bothering him) and then slept til 7.50am! Amazing. Again, I was in bed by 9.20 so yesterday I felt almost human again. I'd also put another blanket on DS's bed, as I was worried he was cold. And we reinstated his sticker chart with a lot of hoopla and excitement.

This morning he woke at 5.10am and I went in to find him at the wrong end of his cot on top of his covers. I quickly put him right, and stroked his back until he went back off to sleep until 7am. (Of course, I was awake until 6.30am!)

I suppose this is at the crux of it... My dilemma: do I rush in at 5 to try to settle him so that we all have more sleep and hopefully he learns to sleep longer? Or do I leave him, risk him waking at 5am but hoping that the tiredness will out and that he won't need me to help him go back off?

I spoke to a friend last night who had her second DS 3 weeks ago, who said she'd felt really weird about being pregnant again, and how she would cope with the increasingly challening behaviour of her toddler. She said although it's only been 3 weeks, the new arrival changed the dynamic so that it wasn't such a big deal. And her DS1 has been playing on his own really well while she bf DS2.

Anyway, thanks again, I do feel a bit more reassured - think I just reached rock bottom on Friday and I really needed to hear your thoughts.

[PracticalCat]

DS is inclined to be an early riser and the only thing that helped was to push back his schedule. So he goes to bed at 8.30 which means he wakes up at 7.30 on a good morning, 6.30 on a bad. It took a while to adjust his schedule so it might not seem to work at first. I was loathe to do it, but realised that I can't handle the early mornings, esecially with pregnancy insomnia. We were waking at 5 when he went to bed at 7. He only needs 10 or 11 hours at night.

If he wakes at 6.30, we don't go to him unless he cries. He chats to himself or plays with his teddy and we go in at 7.

I've also made the agreement with DH that I'll do the night shift with the newborn but he has to do mornings with the toddler.