Anyone finding DP/H not as interested in 2nd+ baby?

[bohemianbint]

I'm 33 wks with baby number 2. It is different to the first time, obviously life is so much more hectic when you already have a child to look after and you don't have the same amount of time to dream/obsess about the unknown.

But this time around, DH doesn't really pay any attention to the bump, only feels it if I tell him to and then seems in quite a rush to get his hand back. It's not like I nag him to all the time or anything, but I know it's harder for men to get it because it's not happening to their bodies.

And it's not just that - a few times DS has bounced right down on top of my bump and knocked the wind out of me, which obviously sends me into a hormonal panic about whether the baby is alright. But DH doesn't check to see if I'm ok and isn't at all concerned. Which, fair enough, so far it has been fine, but a fairly hefty blow to the stomach of a pregnant woman should raise some concern, shouldn't it?

I've also started having some fairly full on Braxton Hicks and some nasty ligament twangs that have been really painful - he just sits there and ignores me.

We ended up having a row the other night about it. I'm fairly sure I'm not being a total drama queen and I'm really finding his disinterest a bit upsetting. After I had DS1 he got a bit depressed because everyone (family) invaded the house and acted like he was invisible, which I totally understand because it really affected me too. But he reacted by retreating and leaving me all by myself for days after the baby was born and barely speaking to me, which still really upsets me to think of. I really don't want a repeat performance of that, but I don't know what to do/how to handle it. Is this quite common?

[bohemianbint]

bump!

[MummyAnnabella]

hi i am 23 wks with no2 and dh also has v little interest. has only felt bump once cause i made him and he too was off like a shot after a few secs. he also asks me to help paint, move furniture etc which he would never have dreamt of doing with no1.

i think it is just cause so much time and attention taken up with our 11 month old that he forgets. we remember more cause we constantly feel it.

i think it is just one of those things and what can you do? my family also ignore the fact i am pg again and never even ask how i am or call/text re scans unlike 1st one.

dh will have to take more interest when no2 comes along although i do think it will end up with him looking after ds and me looking after no2 as i intend to bf again.

my dh was funny when no1 was born - he didnt want any visitors and i loved to see people as at home all day. he also felt a bit clueless i think whereas it seemed to come naturally to me. i would say your dh will be a great help with no1 while you concentrate on no2 at the start and there prob wont be an opp for him to slope off!!

[bohemianbint]

Annabella - thanks for the reply! My family are also not making any reference to me being pregnant, apart from the odd comment about how I should have just gone back to work and am mad to have kids. Am starting to feel like some kind of invisible incubator.

[bohemianbint]

Hmmm...he's just come home from work and is being weird with me. Asking weird forced questions because he thinks he should, after our barny the other night. Am not sure which is worse.

[mamabea]

Hi there. My DP was completley 'hands off' for 2nd pregancy but is great now that she is here.

went to some scans on my own and did most of labour (up till pushing) on my own. Prefered to let him sleep.

I think empathy was lacking when baby not visable.

I find my DP is fantastic when I tell him clearly what I need him to do i.e. 'I'm feeling neglected, tell me something nice and buy me chocolate. ' e.t.c. Try it and see?

I'm sure that you could do with some focused attention as you must be very busy with your little one and PG takes it out of you

[bohemianbint]

Cheers mamabea. It is hectic and to cap it off I don't feel at all well today, I think I've got a stomach bug; my bump is rock hard and I can't get any sleep! Maybe I'll try to talk to him about it under slightly less emotive circumstances later.

It's the lack of concern that bothers me though - if he was writhing around in agony (after being kicked in the balls, say) I like to think I'd be sympathetic, even if it had happened to him before!

[waitingtobloom]

OMG - we are married to the same man arent we!!! Not touching bump - tick, backing away quickly if asked to touch bump - tick, not caring when bounced on or in pain - tick!
And family not mentioning it - tick!

No matter whether they mean it or not it makes you feel uncared for doesnt it and kind of like you shouldnt be making a "fuss" over the pregnancy either.

DH says things to me like "we'll worry about that when you go into labour" and it doesnt seem to be happening at all for him til baby is here. Kind of like its an event that is happening as a one off on your due date rather than something that you are experiencing day in and day out.

I get so jealous when i hear of people having foot rubs or partners talking to the bumps - he barely talks to me let alone the bump. Makes you feel distant from them doesnt it and then they ask why you seem upset.

No advice really although i have found if i tell him something specific he will do it - alhtough like you say in quite a forced unatural way.

[bohemianbint]

waitingtobloom - you'll be telling me you're due on the 17th August next, and then we'll know there's something spooky afoot!

I've been trying to get him to assemble this co-sleeper thing we bought so that we can see if it actually fits the bed. For about 4 months. We're not ready. Nothing is organised. He is taking a day off next week to have a clear out, but he's only doing what practically has to be done, no emotional support. Unless you count the fact that now, to make amends, he is asking me if am still ill (yes) and what is it (same as it was 5 mins ago!) and it's just to prove a point that he has asked.

On the upside, he is making me some soup, as we speak.

Men are weird, sometimes. As Mama says, maybe they'll be really good when they can actually see a baby. Maybe that's as good as it gets.

[mrsboogie]

maybe he's jealous? Sounds like he felt left out last time and maybe expects the same thing to happen this time?

[bohemianbint]

Hmmm...interesting, mrsboogie. I think we'll have to have a chat and get to the bottom of it.

[waitingtobloom]

Yep - 17th august. No, not really 5th september but close. He is refusing to do baby related things. He went up the loft to get something the other day and I suggested he bring the car seat down as it was right there and I would like to have it down soon as one less thing to think about. No - point blank refused as wasnt anywhere near due date yet.

He was the same last pregnancy though to be honest - shouted at me for "mentioning the baby every day". I suppose it is different for them - baby is inside us, kicking, making us ill, feel awkward etc so reminds us all the time. To him its an event thats happening in september and doesnt need to be thought about until then.

I dont think he "gets" emotional support as he doesnt need any at the moment?

[bohemianbint]

Sazzles - cheers, I will come and check that thread out!

I haven't mentioned it to him again. I can't be arsed today and I don't want to feel like a nagging old bag. I figure, as I've already mentioned it on Tuesday, if he carries on the same he's being an arse and will know it.

Of course, I may change my mind and be a harpy about it tomorrow.

[bohemianbint]

.

[giddly]

My DH was like this when I was pregnant with DD2, and it's only just got better recently (DD2 is 8 months). I think it was a mixture of reasons, but one was that he's a typical bloke who can't multitask - his energies went into his relationship with DD1 (he and DD1 adore each other). It's only since DD2 has started really engaging and "demanding" his attention that he's treating her as an equal to DD1. I also think as an eldest child he identified with the way DD1 would be feeling when the new baby arrived, which also made him a bit distant during the pregancy. I might just be making excuses for him, but anyway know how hurtful it can feel. I remember when I was pregnant with DD2 feeling like I had pushed him into having another (which was certainly not the case).

[TheApprentice]

Oh God am I glad to see this thread!

Was thinking about posting myself. I am nearly 35 weeks pg with no 2. Dh is interested and excited about the baby but seems to have no interest in me, and like the rest of you, his lack of concern is really upsetting me.

He is very good with ds (18 months) and at doing lots ofpractical things to prepare for baby, but when I tell him how I am feeling (and Im so exhausted) he just ignores me. I too feel really jealous of these women with adoring partners who massage their backs etc. Yesterday I went to dentist to get filling, but ended up feeling so unwell when tipped right back in dentists chair that she decided to postpone treatment till after baby is born. I felt v faint and shaken up. Sent dh a text at work telling him, absolutely no response, neither did he even enquire how I was when he got home. Also, the other day when he got home I was so knackered that I burst into tears - he did nothing. I just want a cuddle and some attention!!!

I know, moan, moan, moan, I should be grateful for what I have etc etc, but I just needed to rant.

Am reassured that other people having similar issues.

[TheApprentice]

BohemianBint, am also having v painful braxton hicks and am ignored too!

[bohemianbint]

Giddly - snap! I've also started to feel like we're only having this baby because I wanted it, which I'm sure isn't the case, but it's sort of how I feel at the moment, which doesn't make you feel too great, does it?

Apprentice - sorry to hear you're in the same boat - it's a bit rotten that he didn't even ask after the dentist's episode! Have you tried talking to him?

[TheApprentice]

Not yet, I've been rather stubborn and doling out the silent treatment! (v mature I know). I know I'll have to soon (he's at work today) but cant face the inevitable row that will ensue!