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Pregnancy

That's it! I GIVE UP, how pathetic am I? (Long, sorry)

15 replies

Illyria · 11/02/2008 21:40

Namechanger in shame.

Not sure where the hell I should put this, doesn't really fit anywhere so am putting it "ironically" (with huge clanging "") in pregnancy.

I don't know how so many Mnetters do the whole miscarriage/infertility thing. I have been tested and found wanting.

I shall start the story at the very beginning. Had ds1 at 17. Oh yes, became a deviant nice and early. That wasn't really in the plan. exP left me sharpish (he was older, I was besotted, yadah yadah yadah) and I chose to keep and raise ds alone. Best decision I ever made. He was the making of me. I went from a straight A student to a loving mother, then back to a p/t straight A student, uni-student, graduate and mother. It seemed to work out. I met DH, we got married then started trying for a baby (the right way round ). It didn't happen. Not for a long time... Then finally... got that double blue line. DH worked abroad at that time - with my blessing. He was hard to get hold of. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks.

We drifted apart. I got depressed and threw all I had into having another baby. It didn't happen. 9 months later I realised I wasn't trying to have "another" baby, I was trying to bring back that one. I managed to work my way through my problems and got better. Anyway, turns out I don't ovulate. Went through all the testing, always told that next month I'd be given something to trigger ovulation, but there were always more tests to do. Then DH went away again (for months). Gave up on treatment; kept trying for years and finally got ds2. Naturally. And kept trying. But nothing. I know why. I know there's a cure, but just the testing for fertility treatment nearly broke me last time, I can't even begin to contemplate it again.

So here's my problem, I want another baby. I'm young and healthy in every way except the relevant one. And I can't do it. I have not been through anything compared to so many Mnetters. I have been supported and helped by so many of you.

But this is what it comes down to:-

I promised myself when I had ds1 so young that I would have a life later on. I would do the travelling in my 40s, I would live a little. It's what got me through all the negative comments at the time.

To keep that promise I'm now at an age I need to stop trying...

It's a promise I need to keep - the me that went through so much to keep ds1 earned it. (And yes I know parenthood never ends, but it does become less omnipresent )

Am I stupid? I feel like my heart is being torn out by me but at the same time I cannot go through disappointment anymore.

Just need some sensible advice.

TIA

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Illyria · 11/02/2008 21:54

Crap. It was the ironic bit wasn't it? I should've known, put the irony down before you burn yourself.

I'll get my coat...

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ChirpyGirl · 11/02/2008 22:22

It's a toughie Illyria. I don't know how much advice you can get as it boils down to a very personal decision.
What does your DH think? Does he want another? I think you need to talk it out with him as he is the only one who has seen up close the effect this has had on you.

It is not comparable to look at other people's situations. it is the same as people saying a miscarriage or failure to conceive is different/less traumatic if you already have a child. It's bollocks, it will hurt no matter how many kids you have but the way you cope with it is different IYSWIM.

I think you need to speak to your DH TBH or if you don't feel you can to a counsellor as this is such a personal decision we can only give advice base don our lives, not yours.

Sorry this si not what you want/need to hear! If i was in your position I would try again, you can put off travelling until your 50's and get it cheaper as you woudl qualify for Saga holidays
Seriosuly though, you can do things like that a lot later in life than you think, my mum went backpacking round Oz for 3 weeks at the grand age of 55, 3 months after a hysterectomy! (sp?)

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Illyria · 11/02/2008 22:45

Thanks Chirpy. You made me at the saga bit.

You're right that it's a personal thing, I think I just want someone to tell me what to do so I can either disagree loudly or agree!

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wineisthewaytomyheart · 11/02/2008 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Illyria · 11/02/2008 22:55

Thanks wine. I think I posted this to tell me what my bloody brain wasn't letting through - that the promise I made a 17 year old girl is not something I should plan my life around now.

It's sad to put that into words. She deserves the promises - but I'm her...

Ok, confusing myself now.

I think I'll definitely take a break from TTC for a few months, talk it through with dh and see where we are.

Does anyone have any experience of anything like this?

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PaulaYatesbiggestFan · 11/02/2008 22:57

yes 'illyria you are her..

you are not denying the 17 - she has moved on...

GREAT name btw!

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wineisthewaytomyheart · 11/02/2008 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Illyria · 11/02/2008 23:08

Thanks Paula - it just seems really sad to break that promise, and I know it's daft, I know I am her, I know that there's more to life than what I wanted to do way-back-when, but it seems like a betrayal.

Wine, you're right, I will try to take a break from this and come back to it with fresh eyes.

I cringe when I see the TTC threads. I hate how people "decide" to have a baby and next second are pregnant. I'm so bitter about how hard I find it and how weak I feel.

I have two beautiful and perfect boys. I feel so selfish wanting more.

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wineisthewaytomyheart · 11/02/2008 23:13

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PaulaYatesbiggestFan · 11/02/2008 23:20

god no- i have 1000 children and crave and yearn for what i still want

not selfish AT ALL just honest with yourself and that is a good thing x

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Illyria · 12/02/2008 11:52

Thanks guys

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cmotdibbler · 12/02/2008 12:06

Selfish ? Totally not. I have no idea how you've coped through it all, and I stand in awe that you can think about going through it again.
I had 3 mcs before DS, and can't imagine getting pg again, just to face the same heartache. Occasionally I wonder, but just couldn't - and I feel pathetic for it.

But when you were 17, you did what you had to do to get through, and I'm sure your 17 year old self would tell you to stop worrying about her, and think about what you really want to do right now.

My great aunt went off round Europe in her boyfriends campervan when she was in her 80's, so theres always time !

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Illyria · 12/02/2008 12:39

Thanks cutmyownthroat. You've made me all teary-eyed. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. That's the other problem, I was so terrified all the way through my last pregnancy that I didn't relax until he was in my arms and safe.

So even if I could overcome the first hurdle (just conceiving) there are still no guarantees. I do feel incapable, I do feel half a woman sometimes. It's just not me. I've never failed at anything I've set my mind to, I've worked hard and got it, but this...

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cmotdibbler · 12/02/2008 14:01

I bought a doppler so that I could check the hb every day - and then DS was prem so didn't even get to relax then.

The only thing that got me through pregnancy was the pg after mc board on another site, where people understood what it was like, and didn't tell me (as a mw did) to just relax and enjoy it.

Oh, and I was sooo secretly jealous when all my friends got pg so easily, and stayed pg. One even sent an email about how we should all be aware that the pill wasn't 100% effective as she was pg for the third time in 3 years, ha ha ha. I had just had mc2 and they knew it. I burst into tears in the office. And felt bad about it.

Never failed at anything I (or DH) really wanted either.

My colleague who has just had IVF cycle 7 in an attempt to have a sibling for her daughter (ttc 3 years, tried everything before IVF, got pg with twins, lost one), says that she'll keep going as long as she thinks the benefit outweighs the pain.

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Illyria · 12/02/2008 14:39

God, CMOT that could be me talking. I checked HB every day too.

I think I was much better at holding it all together when I was 17

The worst moment was when I realised (before ds2 and after mc1) that I was subfertile and it was just going to get harder. I remember collapsing in on myself, saying over and over, "But this time I did it all right, I'm married, settled, the right age. Why? Why is it so hard now when it happened so annoyingly easily before (contraception was used )?"

I'm very good at looking like everything's ok, making it all look effortless, but I am so vulnerable on this topic and always will be.

I worked with the public when it all happened, and I'll always remember this (bordering insane) guy having just read some crappy anti-abortion article, coming over to me to tell me that wasn't it amazing to think that every woman is already full of babies. I had to shut down every part of me to ignore him and not scream, "NO ACTUALLY! I'M BLOODY NOT!". Idiot! My co-worker and friend - who knew everything - grabbed me and hurried me away with "some work to do" before I broke. Insensitive moments feel so much like a Hit and Run.

I'm sorry your friend was insensitive. So many people take it all for granted. x