Is your mum coming to stay after you give birth?

[Gangle]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and just wondering what arrangements people make for the days/weeks after they give birth. My mum is very keen to come and stay with us a few days before for as long as we want after to help in any way. I'm sure this would be invaluable but also wondering if this should be special bonding time with just the 3 of us, especially as my other half will have 2 weeks paternity leave. I'm also a bit worried that I will not have a clue what to do with the baby and will need someone to show me! What is everyone else doing?

[rascal1979]

Just me and DH - both our sets of parents only live 15 min away tho.

I want it to be just the 3 of us!

[ClaphamLauren]

My Mum is going to stay for a couple of weeks after dp is back at work. Is your Mum nearby? I live 2 mins from my Mum so if I need her in the early weeks I know she can come over if I'm completely helpless!!

[scorpio1]

my personal nightmare!!

[clayremore]

my mum only lives a five minute drive away so she didnt stay with us but she took a weeks holiday the week dp went back to work after dd was born and she was up everyday to do cleaning, washing and ironing she was a really good help.

[Gangle]

no, she is hours and hours away so will have to stay. Wondering if she should come after 2 weeks when DP has gone back to work.

[Gangle]

lol Scorpio!! My mum and I do tend to drive each other mad so that is a consideration!

[Tommy]

mine too scorpio!

you will need some help but it is a special time for the new little family.

Hopefully you wil have a parentcraft course to go on as well and the Midwives will be around in the first 10 days or so to advise you. It's not diffcult to look after a tiny baby really but you will be tired especially if you are trying to get breastfeeding going.

I suppose it depends on the rrelationship you have with your Mum and how your DH feels about it as well.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

We had just the three of us - utter bliss. Then again my mother would have driven me round the bend so I didn't even think about asking her to stay.

If you think it will be of any help, ask her to come once your dp has gone back to work.

[MuffinMclay]

No way! Going to wait until ds2 is at least 3 months old. She came last time and it was horrendous - lots of extra work and stress for me, despite her coming to 'help'. And I really struggled with bf and found trying to get to grips with that with parents around made a bad situation so much worse.

[crokky]

Really depends on how well you get on with your mum and how well your other half gets on with her. Personally, I had my mum to stay with me and I found it really good. My mum did live nearly 3 hours away at the time, so she could not have popped round if she had not been staying.

If you are planning to breastfeed, (in my experience), you spend a very long time feeding the baby and it is useful to have someone to cook you a meal, clean up etc. It depends what your mum is planning to do when she is there - if she will give you good practical help like my mum did, then it will not interfere with parental bonding. Likely that the baby will be up every couple of hours at least (if not all night!) so you could have the arrangement that your mum sleeps at night and helps in the day and you and your other half get up to the baby in the night and maybe other half can have a couple of hours sleep in the day etc whilst your mum gets you food/drinks etc.

It would be difficult if your mother was overbearing etc - ie someone who did not support your feeding choices and dictated to you rather than advised you. I think you just have to judge it on how you generally get on with her and what sort of person she is.

Knowing what to do with your baby is just confidence really and you'll learn as you go along - he/she will have lived inside you for 9 months and will just want to still be close to you when he/she is born. I had never even held a baby when my DS was born!!

[TheBlonde]

With my first DH & I had 2 weeks at home with the new baby then my mum came to stay (then his mum - would not recommend that bit)

With the 2nd DH took a week off and then I disappeared off with both kids to my parents

[Nbg]

My mum has taken a fortnight off after my dh's paternity leave runs out.
But we are an hour away from them and over an hour away from dh's family.

You will know what your doing with baby and more than likely will want everything doing your way but it will be great for you to catch up on sleep and have dinners cooked for you!

[deaconblue]

my mum came to stay when dh went back to work. I worried she would be too bossy but she was great, especially when I kept crying for no reason. She also taught me the difference between ds' hunbgry cry and his other cries - invaluable knowledge.

[Naetha]

Me and DH have made the first two weeks when he has paternity leave a "no visitors for more than an hour" time. So people who live a long way away are welcome to visit, but not stay for more than an hour. If they want to stay for longer, they can come after two weeks as long as they "clear" it with us first. (i.e. no expecting to stay for a week in week 3).

[Martha200]

My parents are 4 hrs away and DHs are 3 hrs away.

I am having a planned c-section and we have asked my Mum if she will come up a couple of days before this.. so she can be a stable/calming influence for our 4 yr old and provide us once baby is here for my DH and I to have at least some talking time together without worrying about or son all the time.

We then have asked her to hang around a couple of days after I return home.. (idea being it doesn't eat up into all of DHS time off work and we can get into our own routine!) She had suggested staying a week or so.. but feel we are ok, with a shorter stay

She can drive me potty at times, but first time around she didn't stay (but was closer to the different hospital) but was ace in bringing me extra fruit to nibble on, as had horrid constipation in hospital even eating all the veg I could!! and provided support when the baby needed to be moved to transitional care unit.

[ninedragons]

We live overseas and I don't know anyone here who has had a baby, so my mum is coming for a few weeks after my husband has gone back to work. I would just feel better for the inevitable middle-of-the-night "oh God, is this normal?" moments.

[slim22]

scorpio

was lovely having her bring me warm milk at night when breastfeeding and taking baby off my arms to change/bath and cuddle baby when I fell asleep in the morning.

But there were definitely those arghhhhhhhh moments when just wanted to be with DH.

[hayCHingleBells]

I was fine without mum staying, but she was local enough should i need her she could of been there in 5minutes.

I only ever had to call her once when i was really ill with a stomach bug, there was no way i could of looked after dd2 that day, so mum came over and looked after me and dd2.

I think if dp is off work for those 2 weeks you will be fine. The baby only sleeps and eats those first few weeks anyway.

I would suggest that she came after those initial 2weeks, cos the you really are on your own and all the housework and everything can get a bit much, especially as you will still be tired and needing alot of rest.

[broguemum]

I would recommend having one of your parents coming to stay only IF you have a good relationship with them and only if they will muck in and help and only you can judge this. If the relationship and their attitude is right then the support they will offer will be invaluable. If, however, they would expect to be treated like guests (like my in-laws did....), then forget it. You need people who muck in.

[normabutty]

I would suggest the following, if it's possible!

Can you say to your mum that you're not sure how you'll feel following the birth and can you let her know after the birth if you want her to come right away or in a couple of weeks time?

Personally, while I was pg I did not want anyone there while dh was on paternity leave. However I put my coccyx out while giving birth and was in agony for weeks after. I phoned my mum 3 days after giving birth and begged her to come down. (well she came willingly but you know what I mean!). It also meant she could help out with cooking, shopping etc. She would also look after the baby while dh & I got some extra sleep.

It also depends on how your mum is with you...will she be the sort that helps out around the house and be supportive?

[PuppyDogEyes]

this is our first baby, so there is no chance of keeping my DP or MIL away.
so two mums cooking, cleaning and fussing, probably annoying each other and me.
Don't ask me where i'm going to put them all.

[zubb]

With ds1 my Mum came to stay the week after dh went back to work and then MIL stayed the week after that. I would have had them sooner to help out with ds1 but was in hospital for a week so felt more prepared when I did come out, and wanted to stretch the time I had help out for as long as I could!
Did same with ds2 then for ds3 just had my MIL when dh went back as my Mum couldn't come down.
I loved having people around me after having babies - I loved having lots of visitors in the first couple of weeks, and couldn't understand why some friends said they would wait awhile - but having seen lots of these types of threads now have realised that I am in a minority! I also seem to qualify for that as I have my MIL to stay after births as much as my Mum

[LuckySalem]

I think I'm quite lucky in that DP has managed to book his 2 weeks pat leave and has also kept 2 weeks hols back, to follow on (near enough) straight after.
I'm going to ask my mum to come up for the day a couple of days before just to make sure we've got on top of all the cleaning etc so when the baby does arrive we don't have to worry about stuff like that.
My mum doesn't drive so i'd have to get her etc and she wouldn't stay the night so it'll be better in the long run if she does it after the month DP has been off. IYSWIM

[dal21]

not read all the messages. But I had my mum to stay once I was home from hospital and DH went back to work after taking 1 or 2days off. Absolute godsend. She stayed for about 10 days - all I did was feed DS and sleep. She cleaned house, cooked all meals, kept me company and even took DS in with her at night doing all nappy changes/ winding and resettling post feed. Then DH took his paternity leave - all the additional help meant DS was 4 weeks old before I was left alone.

TBH - DH is wonderful, but having my mum there in the first week was invaluable. Gave me the emotional support I needed and made me feel a lot more confident in my abilities as a mother.

There is plenty of time for bonding - IMO have your mother there. Not to scare you - but you have no idea what the birth will be like (i had a csection so was limited post birth) and having the additional support may be the best thing for you all. It does obv help that DH and mum get on really well.