Adoption - not sure where to post...

[scared21]

I've been debating writing this post, and then where to put it... but decided just to go for it here. Basically, I'm 21, 38 weeks pregnant, and planning to have my baby adopted when he is born. There seems to be so much support for pregnant women in every other situation, but it's almost impossible to find information and help for women voluntarily having their babies adopted, especially in this country. I've never felt so alone with anything in my life

Long story short... I found out I was pregnant when I was already 6 months gone. I know that might sound a bit silly... but honestly, I didn't know. I'd been on the Pill for over a year, and while I'd put on a bit of weight over those last few months.. I just thought it was weight gain, I had no other symptoms that I recognised at the time. My periods had been irregular, almost to the point of going altogether, since being on the Pill... so I couldn't even say when the last time I had a "normal" period was. I'd even had spotting since the time I must have conceived, so I never had any reason to suspect anything. Eventually that changed and I started to worry... the weight gain was starting to look a lot more bump like, my boobs had grown huge and I just felt a bit different. Felt pregnant, I guess. Stupidly I ignored it for a week or two, until the baby's father finally confronted me about it. We aren't and never were in a relationship. He's a good friend, and we'd been sleeping together for a long time. Neither of us wanted or were ready for a child, so we decided that a termination would be the best option for us. I went along to my appointment, relieved that it was all going to be over. However, I had the dating scan and was told that I was actually just over 24 weeks pregnant, and so couldn't have an abortion after all. Bit of a shock, to say the least!

I'm not an idiot, I know about birth control and pregnancy... but I felt (feel) so stupid because of the mess I've gotten myself into. I came home and talked to the father... and after the initial shock and tears, we decided that since the option of abortion obviously was gone... we would like to have the baby adopted, as there is just no way that either of us are ready to be parents. Since I found out I've hardly stopped crying.. I still just can't believe I'm in this situation. I quit my job in a panic, cut myself off from most people.. and have spent the last few months feeling very isolated and very very low indeed. Going through this pregnancy, all the physical and emotional pain... and to know I'll be handing over my baby boy to somebody else at the end of it - it's hard. Even though I know it's the right decision for me and for baby, it doesn't make it easy. The people I have told try to be supportive, but I guess it's hard for them because it's such an unfamiliar situation... and I don't make it easier because I find it so hard to ask for help when I need it.

I don't know why I'm posting this really... maybe I just want some reassurance that not everybody will judge me and think me a terrible person. Even though this pregnancy is unwanted.. it doesn't mean I don't love my baby. I feel like my reasons for placing are mostly selfish (as in, I don't want a baby right now) - but at the same time, I want a much better life for him than I can give him. Seeing posts from adoptive parents reassures me that he'll be loved and cherished so much by a deserving family. I'll get to spend the first few days with him in the hospital, which I imagine will be both heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. This has been very rambly and jumbled, and I don't think I've said everything I really wanted to. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I just needed to get some of it out. I can't be the only person in the UK to place her baby for adoption, but it really does feel like it to be honest. Just tired of feeling so alone

Thank you if you could be bothered to read all of my ramblings! Please don't think badly of me, I'm trying to do what is best for everybody concerned.

[ghosty]

You poor thing. I don't think badly of you. I feel sorry for you that you are in this position. A nightmare that I am sure everyone worries will happen to them when young/unattached. I can't say I understand what you are planning as I can't imagine giving a baby up .... but then I was 28 and married when I got pregnant with DS.
I have no personal experience of this except that I know adoptive parents and adopted children who are very happy.
I also know a lady who had her baby adopted when she was 20 and then her son contacted her 22 years later when she was pregnant with her much wanted second child. She was, like you, very young and felt she was not ready to be a mother (she had no support at home to encourage her to keep her baby either). She got on with her life afterwards but it wasn't until she married and started trying for a baby in her 30s (with very little success) that she became heartbroken about the son she gave up. It took her 12 years to get pregnant again, then out of the blue her first son contacted her. A happy ending but a heart breaking story.
I don't really know why I am telling you this story, it may not be what you want to hear but I didn't want your post to go too long without a reply.
Nothing will prepare you for the feelings you will have when your baby is born. Have you had to sign anything yet, or do they give you time for you to make a final decision after the baby is born?
If you don't change your mind then what you decide is obviously the best thing for you and for your baby. I think you are being very very brave. I hope it all works out for you and know that you should find support here. There may be mothers here who may not understand what you are planning to do because they have tried for years to have a baby of their own and there are many who have been in your situation and kept their babies - there a quite a lot of young mums in their early 20s on Mumsnet who may tell you that it isn't all that bad etc.
Now it is me rambling Sorry.
I am thinking of you and best of luck with the birth of your baby xxx

[SturdyAngel]

I'm so sorry that you are in this heartbreaking situation. Like Ghosty, I can't say I know how you feel as I have not been in your situation. I had my first child at 21 but was married and he was planned.

On a practical note, I have just done a quick google and found afew sites which offer support and advice, as well as a telephone helpline. There are also lots of articles from people who have been in a similar position to you. You have probably already done this but if not, I can post some links for you.

Don't go through this alone, talk to someone.

[Flower3554]

Hi, have you contacted social services. They will usually assign a social worker to you who may be able to offer you some support.

As a carer who fosters newborns who usually go for adoption my feelings are of sorrow for you but also admiration that in your pain you can still consider what is best for your baby.

Good luck to you and your little one.

[ghosty]

How are you today scared21?

[paperdoll]

Well done for such an articulate post on what must be a really difficult thing to explain & write about. I have no concrete advice to offer, but just wanted to wish you all the best. You shouldn't feel stupid. You are obviously an intelligent and thoughtful person, trying to make the best of a hard situation - I think you deserve respect for that.
I just hope you get the support you need somewhere; you shouldn't have to cope alone, it's way too much to ask of yourself. Maybe you could try to undo some of the cutting-off you've done and re-establish contact with some friends? You might be surprised at how un-judgmental people can be if you trust them to be cool about something unexpected. Even though you're quite young, you must have friends who've had tough experiences in their lives ... and OK, maybe they can't understand exactly what you're going through, but if you give them a chance they may be able to help you feel stronger anyway.
Now I am rambling. Wish you luck, anyway. Please post again and let us know how you're getting on.

[scared21]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I want to write a proper reply and answer your questions etc, will try to do so later tonight. Just wanted to say thanks in the mean time for the kind replies, really means a lot! xxxx

[fryalot]

in the meantime, here's a big {{{{{{{hug}}}}}} from me.

xx

[cupcake78]

I think you are incredible for making the decisions you have made.

I see alot of young people who are too scared to admit they can't cope with their children and those that get pregnant for the wrong reasons and again just find they can't cope. In my experience this is usually to the detriment of both the mother and child, not to mention the effect it has on the extended family.

I know that you know this is not the easy option and I hope you can find the support you need now but importantly for after you have had your baby. Your GP and Children and Young Peoples Services Department (Social Services) should be able to help you with this. Take their advice and help. They deal with this on a daily basis they will lead you through the process and you will not be judged by them. You will (should) not be forced to do anything you don't want to.

I cannot understand what you are going through but I admire your strength of character and think you putting the needs of your baby over yours is an extremely brave thing to do. I don't know if I could be so honest in your situation.

You deserve so much respect.

[DetentionGrrrl]

wanting to give up your child because you feel you can't care for it is a brave and selfless thing to do.

I would urge you to look into what support you could be given to cope, but if you still feel it's the best option for you, then i really respect that.

after i have DC2, i'm planning to adopt another child in a year or two. Letting someone else give your child what you feel you can't is a noble thing.

I hope everything works out the best for all three of you.

xxx

[mufti]

look up careconfidential.com, they may have a branch near you. unbiased advice on all aspects of pregnancy crisis.

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

Hi, I think that what you are doing is incredibly brave and selfless, and I think that no-one has the right to judge you for doing what you believe to be the best for your child. We all strive to do the best for our children, and in your case that means giving him up to have a life you know you cannot currently provide for him.

I was at school with a girl who fell pregnant and gave her baby up for adoption. Before she gave her up, she wrote her a letter that was to be given to her on her 18th birthday, explaining why she felt she had to give her up. She never wanted her daughter to feel that she?d just given her away. I don?t know whether it would perhaps help you to write a letter to your ds that he can have at a certain point in his life?

I would urge you to try and regain contact with your friends/family, when you have had your baby you will need support from those who are closest to you, you should not have to go through this alone.

I think you deserve enormous respect for what you plan to do. What ever happens, this is your child, your decision, and no-one else?s, not even the father?s. You can change your mind up to the last minute, if you feel after you?ve given birth that you can?t go through with giving up your baby, then don?t. There is support out there, you don?t have to do anything alone. If, on the other hand, you still feel it is the right thing to give your baby up, then give him up in the knowledge that you have brought tremendous joy and happiness to a family who would otherwise have perhaps never known what it is like to have a child.

Whatever you do, make sure you look after yourself.

Xx