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Really want to kill OH

(7 Posts)
Doingitover Tue 21-Jun-16 09:55:47

Bit of background we met when we both worked in finance working 60hour weeks with lots of stress and responsibility. My 11year old has autism, but my ex was always very hands on with him so I managed to balance things (badly). My DS was diagnosed with a skin cancer caused by underlying issue when he was 7 He had 3 Op's in space on 6 months and I managed to cope until I cracked a year later when it returned and decided I was leaving work to focus on my DS. My ex and my then new partner both agreed with this decision and supported it.
I had enough savings for a 2 year break meaning I planned on returning once my DS started senior school. ( This Sept)
So I became a SAHM doing various volunteer work when DS was in school.
My new partner moved in and everything was bliss. I did all home stuff he focused on work.
Then we decided to have a baby which we knew might be difficult due to my history. However 3rd time lucky and I'm now 36 weeks.
However things at home have changed. Where before I was happy to pick undies, plates, socks up off the floor I am now knackered and sick of it.
My DS needs a lot of structure which I provide but I feel my OH is now taking the piss. He is so lazy. But because he now supports us financially I feel unable to pull him. We have rented my old house out and OH bought us a new big house as soon as we knew we needed more space. The house constantly needs cleaning. We are in the middle of the ongoing development so the dust is unbelievable. (DS has asthma so I need to hoover constantly).
His hours at work have settled so he now does a standard 40 hour week. However apart from his 'man jobs, building shed, converting garage into boys room) he does nothing.
Last night he came in and fell asleep for 2 hours. Woke to have dinner and watch football!! He then told me his parents are visiting next weekend and he is thinking on taking his dad to the stables (he is in horsing syndicate, nothing fancy). The stables are 2.5 hours away!! I flipped and said there is no way is he having a night away a week and a half before I go in to hospital (Leaving me to entertain his mum and nephew).
I'm so friggen angry, that he is being so thoughtless but I don't know if I'm justified. He is great with my DS and my DS loves him (so do I) and if I ask him to do something he will do it. But it would be nice for him to come in and tell me to go to bed while he sorts stuff.
Do I have it out with him. Or just hope I'm so annoyed because of hormones!! To add, my back is in agony I am prob getting about 3 hours sleep a night so that isn't helping.
Sorry for the long post. I'm hormonal, tired and about to walk the dog confusedconfused

Artistic Tue 21-Jun-16 10:17:45

Sounds like a tough situation for you. Perhaps your taking over the domestic side of responsibilities has made your OH 'take it easy'. I think you need to stop doing some things. Let them slide. And ask him to start doing those things. Usually when am fed up, I don't load the dishwasher. I might cook using up even the last spoon though. When DH comes home it's obvious the DW needs loading, so he'll do it. But I only do this when I know he can cope after work & I can do with a break. So little things pushed to him can get back the balance. Am afraid the 'real balance' will probably be restored only when you get back to working & can demand that he does half the housework (at least). You can start altering his expectations now & after baby arrives rather than wait another year. C

Artistic Tue 21-Jun-16 10:18:08

Congratulations on the baby. flowers

Doingitover Tue 21-Jun-16 10:34:59

Thank you artistic. I really am made up to be getting my 2nd little boy. Just v tired and hormonal.
My life has changed so much in the last 2 years that I guess I'm also a little resentful.
OH is off the races on Friday so he will be hung over on Sat. He was in Portugal on a stag do last weekend (took full week to recover). So his life hasn't really changed at all. Except he has less money as he is now providing for us.
My ex wasn't very ambitious (I was main earner) but he was really good around the house. I just need more of a balance or even for him to notice I'm struggling. He is also type of person who puts everyone else first. So everyone sees his good points and presumes he is the same at home. His mum loves telling everyone how lucky I am!! (Which I know is true, but I'm dying to ask her why she didn't teach her son not to leave dirty clothes on the floor) gringrin

Artistic Tue 21-Jun-16 10:43:45

Yes I can understand your frustration. I got this in the 15 month maternity break when I was home. But not because DH was leaving his mess for me to clear, but simply because of the implicit expectation that 'housework' would be all mine because I was home all day. The minor detail of bf & caring for my newborn was forgotten! I could see that it wasn't so bad that I need to pick a fight but made a promise to myself that I HAVE to get back to work & restore the balance & get back my life! As you said nothing much changed for DH but my life was pretty much revolving around home & kids! I would say - it's your last month of pregnancy, you deserve to be pampered. Put your feet up & train your OH to work around the house. You've earned it!

Kariana Tue 21-Jun-16 18:15:03

I think you do deserve to make a bit of a fuss here, maybe he just hasn't realised how hard you are finding it. I'm very vocal with my dh (not nagging, just telling him if I'm tired/unwell/would like some help). We both work full time and tend to do housework and cooking 50/50 as a fair split but when I was feeling terrible in the first trimester he took on 90% on and off when I was at my worst. He is very good with stuff like that and I think you have a right to expect some help even if you are home all the time. You're in a caring relationship, not some sort of business deal, and that means one person picking up the slack if one isn't able to do their 50% for a while.

Hidingtonothing Tue 21-Jun-16 18:53:29

I would just talk to him, non confrontationally, no accusations just explain you're struggling and could do with some help. Go at it from the angle that certain jobs are difficult at this stage of pregnancy and give him some examples, stuff that involves lots of bending etc, also point out how little sleep you're getting and that you're generally knackered and uncomfortable. It might be that he just hasn't looked at it from your point of view and realised that you're finding things difficult in which case he should be happy to take some strain off you. If he reacts badly or won't help then you may have more of a problem but I'm not sure it's fair to let resentment build if you haven't told him you're struggling and asked for help. I think sometimes we expect our partners to notice (and maybe they should) without us having to tell them and resentment builds quickly when they don't but I've learned that, actually, it helps no one to keep going down the 'he should just know' path and being straight about what I need gets better results for everyone. It's all too easy to feel hurt that they appear to be swanning about and not seeing how hard we're finding things but being stubborn and waiting for him to notice won't lessen your workload and that's more important at the moment.

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