Baby shower/I'm being ungrateful, snap me out of it

[avocadotoast]

Warning: this will likely be long!

I'm 36, very nearly 37 weeks pregnant. I've made it very clear throughout that I don't want a baby shower. I hate being the centre of attention in that way, I don't want to play stupid games, I don't want to seem grabby or like I'm expecting gifts.

A couple of my friends seemed like they really wanted to organise something, so I said ok, maybe we could go for a meal, something small and casual and easy to digest. This was absolute weeks ago. I did use tapas as an example of something I'd be ok with, but I wasn't saying that was the only thing I would want to do.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I thought it had all been forgotten about. It got brought up again and we agreed that this weekend could work for something small. Again, I stressed small, casual etc. We suggested going just to a pub in the afternoon, really informal. That I could deal with.

Now this week my friend has been on with sorting it. There are as many people coming as I'd be comfortable with (and pushing it at that). She's sent out a text today to confirm where we'd be going and I really do not want to go. I've looked at the menu and I don't like the food. I'm not a fussy eater by any means but this is all fish, smoked cheese, cured meats etc - all things I either don't like or that are a bit iffy to have in pregnancy! Plus it looks expensive, and I don't like the thought of people having to spend that kind of money on my behalf. And because I'm so bloody pregnant I don't have any "nice" clothes that fit and this place looks quite fancy.

So! I know I'm being incredibly ungrateful because my friend has gone to the trouble of organising it, but I really really do not want to go. I don't know what to do. My ridiculous pregnancy hormones are making me cry every time I think about it. WWYD? Suck it up and go or be honest and apologise for the effort she's spent but say you don't want to go? I feel really stuck

[scarednoob]

hmmm. difficult. i can see it both ways, as she has clearly put in a lot of effort, but has clearly got it all wrong!

thinking about it this way might help - if you were your friend, what would you want? would you want the recipient to suck it up, or would you want her to explain that it's not quite what you had in mind for a number of reasons?

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

I got out of mine by having the baby early!
You could say that you can't eat those things in pregnancy, as your friend might not know. Or eat beforehand? It might not be as fancy when you get there, especially if you're in a private area - can you look beforehand?

[avocadotoast]

I don't even know!

I feel like it's my own fault as I should really have said something earlier in the week.

I do think I should probably say something though, otherwise I'll probably ruin everyone's afternoon by being in a bad mood!

[geekymommy]

What's wrong with smoked cheese during pregnancy? That should be fine if it's not made from raw milk. Or is that just something you don't like?

Has your friend who chose the restaurant been pregnant before? It's not that unusual for someone who hasn't to have no idea about the pregnancy food restrictions, or the difficulty of finding nice maternity clothes. If she was pregnant a long time ago, the food restrictions might have changed since she was pregnant. If I'm having a meal with someone of my mom's generation, for example, I assume that they don't know what the current pregnancy food restrictions are, since they've changed so much over the years. As someone who started keeping kosher as an adult, I can attest that food restrictions are something a lot of people just don't think about very much.

[avocadotoast]

Oh, it's just that I don't like it. Tbh it's not so much the stuff that can't be eaten in pregnancy, more that it's a combo of that and stuff I don't like. Which isn't my friend's fault, I know, but it doesn't make it any easier!

[Amyyy27]

Would it be too late to arrange for somewhere else? Its your baby shower after all you should enjoy it! I would understand if i were your friend!

[geekymommy]

If you don't tell her about what you don't like, there's no way she will know. If it makes you feel too picky, you can blame pregnancy for that- lots of women loved some food before they were pregnant but weren't able to keep it down while pregnant.

(Wish I had some smoked cheese right now)

[2015isgoingtobeBIG]

Tough one. She has obviously got excited about it but there is also the possibility everybody else coming has also got excited and gone along with the plans because they are happy with the choice of venue (it might have been somebkdy else who suggested it).
If you tell her that you will struggle to choose items on the menu that are safe to eat in pregnancy (valid reason), how difficult would it be to find another venue for the group at short notice? How many people are we talking about and what time on a Saturday is she planning on you all eating? If it is going to be near impossible to find another venue, I think you might have to suck it up and go as you've now left it so late. But I'd still explain you will probably eat before and/or be choosing a random selection of starters because of the pregnancy restrictions just si she or anybody else doesn't say anything on the night which might make you feel more uncomfortable.
I know this feels too much, and I am currently being very antisocial and avoiding all events unless I have control over when I leave or where we go so empathise with your anxiety, but can you focus on the positives which is seeing people you care about for one last time before the baby arrives rather than all the details of the shower.
And maybe set the scene tonight that you can't physically manage being out for long so you hope she won't be offended if you leave early.
Good luck!

[Pattymc1]

This is so funny, I am in such a similar situation. 36 weeks pregnant and never wanted baby shower just not me but finally said ok and now going to a pub tomorrow and thinking of pretending to be ill as really don't want to have it. To make matters worse someone got left off the list and has kicked up fuss about not being invited!!! I didn't want one in the first place and now have had to apologise to someone which pissed me off as this obsession women have with being invited to everything drives me mad around where I live and now it's happened for something I didn't organise yet I have to say Sorry. You can probably tell I am hormonal!
I know it's a kind and thoughtful thing to do but I wish I had said no from the beginning.

[avocadotoast]

Ditto that. I really should have put my foot down and said I didn't want to do anything. Now I'm the one feeling unreasonable, DH doesn't seem to get it and is telling me to just go anyway, and I just feel so unsupported!

[Pattymc1]

Well I do feel a tad ungrateful but lesson learned, not that I am planning anymore after this last one!

[24hourM0MMY]

I would ask her to try and change the venue if at all possible. It's not unreasonable. I threw a shower a few months back for a friend and she didn't want one to begin with, but agreed to something casual with yummies to eat. Baby showers are in general incredibly cliche, but I did want my friend to have an event marking get passage into motherhood. So, we called it a 'brunch' instead, insisted no one bring gifts, and U purposefullt consulted with her on the choice of venue. We all had a really nice time with none of the regular baby shower activities, and my friend was super pleased that she'd agreed to let me do it in the end. Defo try and ask your mate if she could change the place so that you can at least look back and remember a fun event!! I'm sure she wants you to enjoy youself!

[24hourM0MMY]

Apologies for all the typos!

[rootypig]

Ring her up and say you so appreciate it (and do try to - it's better than noone giving a rats) but you've no clothes that fit and just canNOT do fancy and can you hit the local pizza joint instead please. Sorted.

Then go and have a nice time

(Patty that sounds terrible!)

[24hourM0MMY]

Yes! What rootypig said!!

[fattymcfatfat]

I feel so sorry for you.
my friends are arranging a "secret" baby shower for me. they know that I would have said no had they asked as I am pretty anti social anyway, and 100 times worse when pregnant! luckily they have got my mum involved so I am kept in the loop. I am still dreading it though. as they are inviting people I don't even know
to make matters worse it isn't even about me becoming a mum, it is about them wanting an excuse for a party. how do I know? because this is baby number 3

[avocadotoast]

Thanks everyone I was expecting to be told I was being an ungrateful brat so this has made me feel better!

We're meant to be going out tomorrow but I think it's unfortunately too late to try and change the venue as there's like 9 people going. It'd mean either cancelling completely or just going along.

I will still go I think, probably just snack on something before I go, and hopefully I won't just end up eating bread and olives!

[avocadotoast]

Also, why do so many people not bloody listen when people don't want a fuss?? I can't believe how many others are stuck in this situation.

[Pattymc1]

I also felt like spoilt brat so thanks for the empathy. Am about to leave for the pub, I am actually lying on the sofa watching neighbours and couldn't be happier and the 2 people who arranged the shower are running half hour late!!!

[leanne963]

I feel for you OP. I don't know why but i hate the whole concept of baby showers. I do not want people to feel obligated to buy the baby anything especially as we already have everything we could ever want or need. I hate the idea of opening gifts infront of everyone, i already feel awkward doing this on Bdays and Chrstmases. I have friends in America who spend $100s on catering, decorations, venues and to me it is just so OTT. But that is my personal opinion, so i can completely see why you would just want to not go lol

[Pattymc1]

So. The babyshower actually turned out to be lovely. Of course! I still didn't like the attention or the pressies I just smiled and said thanks and then enjoyed it for what it was which was a lovely lunch with friends in a pub on a Saturday afternoon! Slowly watched the usual suspects have a few more bottles of rose and the others potter off end of the afternoon back to their kids. We must have had about 40 kids between us so at end of the day it was a treat for everyone to have a few hours off! I didn't enjoy wearing the sash...!!!

[avocadotoast]

Mine ended up being fine too! A load of worry over nothing. I apologised to DH for being such an obnoxious brat about it.

[rootypig]

Glad you both had fun. Because there won't be any more for about ten years.

[fattymcfatfat]

still dreading mine and I have to wait until 27 May