I need your help, oh witty Mumsnetters!!

[WannabeLaraCroft]

I will be telling my work soon that I'm pregnant, it's a mostly male environment. A girl from our office down south is expecting too; she announced hers a few weeks back.

The thing is that the guys round here are generally ok, a bit twattish but generally quite a good laugh. I already know the types of comments I will get once they find out. (I had it all before when I was pregnant with my 5yo DS). It'll be stuff like:

"whose is it?"
"does your DH know?"
"how did that happen then?"
"was it planned?"

All whilst thinking they're hilarious and guffawing with laughter. I usually would just roll my eyes and ignore but really want some good one-liners to respond with, other than "fuck right off".

[MazZ09A]

Hi iv had THREE loop biopsys on my cervix and me and my partner want to have a baby together we both have children from other relationships but none together was just woundering if anybody else has had a healthy baby after this many biopsys xx

[knittingirl]

"whose is it?" - "No idea." or "The milkman's"

"does your DH know?" - "I'm waiting for him to notice when I get really fat"

"how did that happen then?" - "I'll get you an easy to understand book about it if you want, my 5yo has a suitable one..."

"was it planned?" - "why?"

[fattymcfatfat]

I would just become total wind up merchant.
"whose is it?" the popes
"does your DH know?" no so don't tell him
"how did that happen?" well when a mummy and daddy love each other very much...

[WannabeLaraCroft]

MazZ09A I think you've posted on the wrong thread my dear, as I doubt I could respond to the lads in the office with that!

Thank you knitting!

[ginmakesitallok]

Whose is it? Who knows?
Does your dh know?? No, and don't tell him
How did that happen, well a mummy and a daddy have a special hug!, but you don't need to worry about that
Was it planned? Were you?

[timeforacheckup]

I'm not at all witty but did manage to get one up on one the blokey blokes at work when I was very pregnant with dd2. He did the whole "wow, who ate all the pies" line (twat!!) and I just played ignorant "what do you mean, do you think I've put in weight?"!! He got so flustered and everyone in the office played along brilliantly, including outraged gasps and whispering she's not pregnant. We let it run for about 10mins before putting him out of his misery!

[Amyyy27]

I would have gone with exactly the same as gin other than i would be telling them its a toss up between my OH and Johnny Depp

[WannabeLaraCroft]

Oh, and I'm sure one of my colleagues (who loves to embarrass people in front of everyone - he's a total dick) will be asking me stuff like, "you'll not be shagging as much now then" or some other remark about my sex life. I need to have comments in place so that I can channel my rage!!!

[Amyyy27]

I would tell him that you het your sex life will still be better than his ;)

[Amyyy27]

Bet*

[WannabeLaraCroft]

Amyy

He tends to "pay" for his sex life iyswim, so not sure if that's true or not!

[fattymcfatfat]

just tell him at least you can get a shag in the first place

[MazZ09A]

Looks like I have. Sorry

[Amyyy27]

Haha! Gosh! Does he know you are aware of this? I would then be inclined to say "we can't all afford to pay for sex when there is a child on the way "

[WannabeLaraCroft]

Amyy that is genius!

Yes, he likes to brag.....boak!

That's ok MazZ09A, you'll get a better response if you create your own thread either here on the pregnancy board, or on the conception board

[WannabeLaraCroft]

fatty very good!

[gallicgirl]

Mazprobably best to start a new thread in health or pregnancy. Hope you get replies.

OP, lots of great replies. My initial response would be "fuck off" I'm afraid!

[WannabeLaraCroft]

Yes, some great replies here, will be memorizing them! I know that sounds sad, but I'm absolutely crap at comebacks and always forget one-liners that I hear!

Thanks everyone

[whothefuckhas5children]

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

"The normal, polite response is congratulations"

[whothefuckhas5children]

Not so much witty responses but rather fuck off responses!!

[rootypig]

Whose is it?
Yours.

[FastWindow]

To all of those questions my response would have to be 'the look'

You know the one. It says 'Are you 14?'

Seriously are the men in your workplace that juvenile or just unaware of, erm, the law...?

[Thistledew]

"Did you know, there is not a jury in this land who would convict a pregnant woman for killing her colleagues for making rubbish jokes like that. I'm willing to test it as a defence- how about you?"

[FastWindow]

I give in- what's the film thistle

[WannabeLaraCroft]

Fastwindow the men at my work really are THAT juvenile. There will no doubt be comments about my "twins" getting bigger too. Bigger culprit is the big boss as he is obviously invincible

But the sexual harassment stuff is for another thread!

When I was pregnant first time I used to just do the "look" followed by a tut and an eye roll, but need to up my game this time!