I'm finding this really scary

[isicathulo]

Hi, just found mumsnet .. and hopefully some support. I'm pregnant for the first time at 40. After 9 years of fertility treatment including clomed, IVF etc. We accepted our childless fate and gave up trying 4 years ago. Out the blue, I'm pregnant.
I have such ambivalent feelings, I'm scared and I'm still nauseas & retching at 16 weeks. Will I ever feel human and why am I not feeling at all motherly? (I'm not even sure that I'm excited about it).

[Spagblog]

Hi, welcome to MN!

I was desperate to get pg and when I did fall pg I was surprised not to enjoy every moment.
DH and I had arguements about keeping it! That was just our insecurities, I realise it now.
I thought I would be the perfect most loving mother, and so when I couldn't bond with newborn daughter I felt awful.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves. I finally had the overwhelming love moment with DD when she was 8 weeks. She is now the most gorgeous, clever and sensitive almost 5yr old.
I couldn't imagine life without her.

[EliBoo]

Hi, welcome

I had my dd at 43, after years of fertility treatment and miscarriages....it was our 'last attempt just for peace of mind' cycle, I couldn''t imagine it actually working, IYSWIM.

And even though I was pregnant as the result of a conscious decision to try to be, I felt very ambivalent at times - and very scared too. I think both feelings are totally natural even for those who haen't been through IF. I suspect that most first time Mums, if they're honest, have ambivalent feelings at some point...and fear. After all, your life is changing, your body is changing, there's a giving up of control that happens thats enough to scare the pants off most of us!

Although we hadn't quite accepted a childless fate, we were very close to it. So I can imagine how much more shocking it must be for you; I had passing feelings of total outrage that I was actually pregnant after working so hard to grieve that I couldn't be - its all very complicated, and confusing, after years of IF!

Now, I have a happy, wonderful, nearly 3 yr old dd and am 33 weeks with my second and last (was 45 when I got pregnant). Its great, and its scary, and its tiring, and I have had just about every passing feeling in the book at some point. I'm sure you will, too.

And for what its worth, feeling nauseous is the pits: I had moments of loathing my longed for baby in that pit of helpless sickness called the first trimester, and feeling guilty in spite of 'knowing' in my head that would pass. I just wanted to feel better, have my body and my relationsihp with dd1 back as it was, etc. All just feelings - they pass! As did the nausea, and I really hope yours does too, and soon

As for feeling motherly, I don't think I did first time around till I had dd in my arms. Its great that you've posted, glad you found MN, and do just keep talking about it all - it'll be ok, I bet you anything you like. xxx

[Megglevache]

Message withdrawn

[rubles]

I felt like you too, isicathulo. I felt guilty that I had gone on about wanting to start a family for so long, and then when I was feeling so grotty with the morning sickness I didn't want to voice my feelings that I thought I had been really selfish and immature to get myself pregnant. I felt like we wouldn't be able to provide a good home for him/her, we didn't have enough money, like I was tying myself down forever, like my whole world was going to change. I had, I think, a touch of ante-natal depression for a short while.
We even had a discussion when I was about 9 weeks that I didn't think I could go through it again and could we look into fostering/adopting in the future.

However, the sickness for me did abate and after that I started to feel better. I think that also once I had had the 20 week scan and felt I could relax because everything was going well, I started to actively enjoy being pregnant and to start to bond with dd. When your baby starts frollicking and hiccupping when you are in meetings it will help for you to think of him/her as a little person in there.

Actually, my sister was the same with her first. I remember her in floods of tears saying 'what have I done??' and her dd was planned too.

I hope your sickness does go soon - it seems very unfair for you to have it still at 16 weeks. I think that that'll help your mood no end.

Congratulations by the way!

[EliBoo]

so busy relating to the ambivalent bit I forgot to say.......congratulations!

[moomimin]

Congratulations!!!!! It is wonderful that after all that trying you have finally acheived what you set out to do some 9 years ago. I don't have any experience either but I would imagine you have had plenty of dissapointments through out your 9 year journey. It is probably natural of you body and mind to hold back on any feelings intil you can see it for yourself. I'm sure your feelings will change, maybe whilst you are pregnant and feel those movements, but it might not happen until you get your baby in your arms, then it is really there, real!!

You have wanted this for so long you will love this baby. Good Luck Oh and welcome to MN

[TwigTwoolett]

congratulations

even when you haven't gone through the trauma of infertility like you have the whole concept of being pregnant is totally and utterly surreal .. up to and including after the birth .. I remember expecting someone to come to the door when DS was a few weeks old and say 'only joking' and take him away

It can be an unpleasant experience being pregnant at times .. we're supposed to feel this innate glow (who says?) but your body is going through so much and making another individual human being so of course you will have symptoms that can make you feel foul

The morning sickness will probably stop in the next couple of weeks (with dd I was sick from 7 weeks to 17 weeks badly) and then just by virtue of not feeling sick you feel absolutely wonderful

Don't expect to feel motherly ... it takes having a child and looking after it 24/7 for a long while (months) to make you look round and realise bloody hell I'm someone's mummy

My eldest is now 5.6, my youngest (clomid conception) 2.6 and I still sometimes look at them and think 'who are you? and where did I put my wine?"

CONGRATULATIONS

[isicathulo]

Man I'm glad to have found this space. I could cry reading your messages and support and that I'm not alone in these strange feelings.

It's good not to be the only one at 40 ... I kept thinking I'd be the only mom in the car park over 30 and not wearing the latest mini and boots ... cos I'm past the cute trendy fashion stage!

And I truly hope that like you Megglevache, by 18 weeks this nausea will have gone and I can happily write and say I'm blooming!

[squishy]

Congratulations.

I became pregnant as a result of actively trying, albeit for very short time. Unfortunately, because I felt so rotten quite early, I actively really disliked being pregnant until 24 weeks (and then felt guilty at feeling this way) even though I wasn't actually sick after about 16-18 weeks, the moods just made me feel rotten and very un-me.

I hope you begin to enjoy your pregnancy in a while, am sure that you will when some of the fun stuff starts.

[Dottydot]

Hi - just wanted to say although I hadn't been trying for as many years, I'd wanted to be pregnant for years and years, tried for 19 months with some fertility worries and eventually got pregnant with just the help of Metformin.

But I didn't enjoy a minute of being pregnant! After all those years of being desperate for a baby, it felt wrong being pregnant. I think looking back I was slightly depressed and just didn't enjoy anything about it. I was also sick (right through the pregnancy but fingers crossed you'll stop soon!) and had dreadful heartburn. I felt so guilty that I wasn't relishing every moment.

But the minute ds was born, it was wonderful! The relief of not being pregnant was immense and we bonded immediately. I never worried about getting PND because I felt like I'd had Pre Natal Depression so the only thing to be when he was born was overjoyed!

So if the worst comes to the worst and you really don't like being pregnant, at least you know there's an end point - just try to survive through it and fingers crossed you'll start feeling better soon. If you don't, then please don't feel guilty - you can't help how you're feeling and it doesn't mean you're not going to love your baby.

[MissyBabee]

Congratulations!

It's always a bit scary, even when you've wanted kids.

Don't think i felt mumsy until I saw the 12 week scan and I remember suddenly thinking, oh, i must take care of myself as there's a baby in there! And bit by bit I became more and more attached. You'll find yourself patting your growing stomach and musing on the future, worrying of course but also getting excited!

It's such a great time. Very excited for you - you'll be a great mum

And can I just say how envious I am that you found MN so early on?? It will give you loads of support

[Tortington]

congrats xxxxxx

everyone feels scared. dont worry!

[foxinsocks]

like others isicathulo (love the name - are you from S Africa?), I found pregnancy very strange. Don't feel like you're alone in this - alot of women find the 9 months quite hard.

I was v scared and v sick the first time round (and never felt motherly and even now, I wouldn't say I'm a naturally motherly person) and tried my best not to think about it all. But once dd was born, everything did fall into place.

[CountessDracula]

oh you poor thing

We had been trying for 3 years and all but given up when I got pg. My reaction was "oh shit what HAVE I done?!"

When the morning sickness goes you will hopefully feel much happier about things. FWIW being pg (apart from the sickness) is a piece of piss compared to the first few months of a new baby SO - enjoy your last few months of freedom and having your hands to yourself!

There are lots of us oldies on here, you are in good company

[bumperlicious]

Congratulations isicathulo! I haven't been through the trauma of IVF but I can empathise with you on the ambivalence thing. I'm feeling pretty detatched from my pregnancy, maybe it's fear of something going worng, I don't know. But I'm also taking more risks than I thought I would. My DH wants me to give up cycling to work, which even though I loathe it I'm refusing to, the alternative is get the bus! I also desparately want to go on a planned trip to Iceland, and go in the geothermal lagoon, but (although my Dr said it is ok) my DH is putting his foot down and saying it's not worth the risk, our priorities should be different. Instead of agreeing with him I'm just throwing a strop and whinging about all the stuff I can't do/eat/drink and in the future wear! Not the ideal behaviour of a mother-to-be.
This is a really scary thing that is happing to all of us on here, especially doing it for the first time. I guess it's not important if the way you are feeling is right or wrong, but at the least now you know it's normal.

[usandbump]

I felt petrified when I found out I was pregnant! I had wanted a child for a long time and was totally shocked at my feelings towards my pregnancy. I can honestly say that I wasn't happy or looking forward to it until about the 6th month.
I too felt dreadful, very sick and tired alot of the time. I also worried about giving up my independence and thought I would be an awful mother.
My DS is now 3 months old and I adore him! I wouldn't change a thing but that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally think what I could be doing.... I think we have this rosy view of pregnancy and motherhood and so expect to feel a certain way when the reality is very different. Go with the flow and everything you are going through now will soon be a distant memory!

[Shoeshopper]

Thanks for the support ... changed name from isicathulo (which means shoe in Zulu ... Yes Foxinsox, I am from SAfrica).

I'm amazed at the guilt I feel for not being totally OVER THE MOON about the whole deal.

I've not cleaned the house for weeks on end ... and only finally getting a bit OK about making food.

Once the morning sickness goes, does this metalic, nauseating taste go away ...it's the think keeping me most down at the moment.