Second Child

[SparklyMonkeyMummy]

Hi,

I am only 7 weeks away from our second child's due date. Up until now I have been so excited to introduce them to their big sister and have been looking forward to having 2 of them! However after today and am feeling really worried.

My sister has had her baby 3 weeks ago, and when visiting her my DD(3) has been fine. No jealousy, not minding me having cuddles, interested in baby etc. Today though they came round to ours for the first time. Well DD did not cope well, she started saying that I was her mummy, not the baby's, telling me to give her back, acting up for attention, you name it. Obviously it being in our house must have caused her to feel very jealous and insecure.

I am now so worried as to how she will be with her baby sister, and how we will cope. I have tried explaining to her that I will be mummy to both her and the new baby etc. I just feel apprehensive now and sad for her. I think I was thinking that bringing home the new baby would be lovely for her, a little playmate etc. Now I feel so sad for er, that she will have to share her mummy, that it won;t be just us 3. How do I love them both? I already love this baby, but feel so sad for our DD. How do I manage with both of them, and help my DD?

[WilloughbyWallabyWoo]

It will be hard for your dd but she will get through it with your help. My dd was outwardly very welcoming and happy to have a new sister but started bed wetting. I think it was partly her subconscious and partly she wanted to be in with me and the baby in the early days - so I let her. Why not? She's back in her own bed now. I also got a sling and carried the baby so my hands were free for dd. we went out a lot in the very early days, all for dd - park, toddler groups, friends houses, so we didn't get stuck at home with all the focus on the baby, who was obviously oblivious anyway. Once baby started interacting etc she became very interested and now they are great friends.

[MrsRV]

oh god. DD2 is coming in a week. DD1 turned 2 last month. have I been naive in thinking that DD1 will just ignore the baby and the novelty will wear off really quickly? now I feel sad.... and want to cry a little bit. I kind of assumed that baby will just fit in around us for a while. I've underestimated how hard work this is going to be haven't I? what if I resent the baby for needing me so much? what if I resent DD1 for needing me so much?

[Onelittlepiglet]

I'm 5 weeks away from due date with dc2 and have been crying today because I feel like I'm betraying my dd by having another baby! Totally irrational and hormonal of me but I suddenly got all worried and didn't want to be pregnant anymore (when I do of course). Dd has been so lovely recently and talks about the baby but I don't think she understands what it is actually going to be like (she is 3.4).

I guess we just plan to do everything we can it make her part of it and not exclude her - she wants to buy the baby a present so we will do that for her to give the baby. Plus of course get her a present from the baby.

I'm just keeping everything crossed it will be ok!

[SparklyMonkeyMummy]

Thank you for the replies. I think I am so worried MrsRV about resenting either one of them, like when DD is playing up, or the baby won't stop crying Our DD will be 3 and a half when this baby is born, so while she is very excited, she really has no concept, and today to have her sobbing 'that's my mummy' while I was holding my niece, it broke my heart.

She already keeps asking for reassurance that she is our baby, and I've tried to explain that she always will be, and that we'll always love her, but that we'll just have 2 babies soon. She seemed fine with that, however tonight she just kept crying at bedtime that she doesn't want to be a big sister, why can't she stay little etc. It makes me cry and feel so guilty.

We are trying to include her as much as possible, and have of course got her a present from baby for when she is born. I think it's just hit home today as like MrsRV I thought, probably naively, that the baby will just fit in. Now I feel like onelittle, that I am betraying our DD by having DD2.

[Blueshine]

I think the fact you are all so worried just goes to show how much you love them both already and no matter how much hard work it is, I can promise you you won't love them any less!
I have 2 DC with a 17 month gap between them and yes it was hard work and there were days when I didn't think I would make it through but with my youngest DD turning 4 today it was worth all the sleepless nights and worrying, DS(5) was quite happy to have a sibling once he got over the shock of having to share, his biggest concern being that she was a girl and hard "bits" missing! He used to get very upset when I changed her nappy and demand to know what I had done with it!! And even though they can fight like cat and dog they are so close now and can't survive more than a night apart!
My main life saver was having a box of special toys for DS that only came out when I was busy with feeding baby so he was usually quite happy to let me feed her as he would be busy with them
Best of luck to you all I promise you its worth it to see them now

[PastaandCheese]

I'm 6 weeks out the other side now. My DD (2) did the whole 'you're not the baby's mummy' when I was pregnant but has loved DS from the very moment she laid eyes on him.

Three things you need to plan for IME:

1/ DC1 needs to be given the option to be involved with everything. 'Would you like to help change DS's nappy? It's up to you, you don't have to' is a frequent refrain. More often than not she wants to help.

2/ 9 times out of 10 see to DC1 first. The midwife told me this..... She said that DC1 will remember where as DC2 won't. It's working for me so far! If it is not an emergency it is best to get the toddler's snack or whatever before feeding the baby.

3/ Plan on making some time for it to be just you and DC1 again. This is hard, especially if breastfeeding and even if you're not it goes against the grain to leave your newborn. I've made a point of leaving DS with DH so I can bake cakes / do craft / do some digging in the garden just with DD every weekend.

This is really playing dividends because for the first week or so DD was very funny with me and wanted me to 'go away' and 'only daddy and my brother' was bandied about. Making time just for her has stopped this.

I adore seeing DD being so kind to DS. I know we've got a long way to go but at the moment it is going so much better than I dared to hope, especially in late pregnancy when I kept thinking 'what are we doing'.

[findingherfeet]

My boy is six weeks old and DD is 2 1/2, she's been amazing with her little brother, very gentle and generally has accepted his arrival far better than i had hoped...

I think what has helped her so far:

• present from the baby - there's no denying she was pleased to see her newborn brother but she was DELIGHTED with the doctors kit he got for her!

• important family members also making a fuss about her and not just the baby

• lots of praise for her being gentle/affectionate/kind to the baby and emphasising the importance of the big sister role...also commenting to her all the fun things she can do but the baby can't (playing/eating nice food etc)

• her day to day routine continuing, this was bit exhausting as there wasn't a days respite from me getting her up and dressed and getting her to our regular activities and her nursery two mornings a week...and I've always put her to bed and have continued to do so.

• trying my hardest not to 'go on at her' about being quiet around baby, she doesn't respond well to being told off for being her usual happy loud self so it seems a bit pointless to get cross about it and I'm just hoping baby will adjust to sleeping around his very loud sister (sadly so far he really hasn't!)

• sometimes she will say 'I want a cuddle too' or 'take a photo of me' and my heart aches a bit

• I've found it no problem to play with DD whilst holding baby but stressful when you have to make lunch/do laundry/essential stuff to look after eldest (currently helping her with potty training) and the baby screams at being put down or a feed interrupted

• the only thing she has been truly jealous and had a meltdown about was seeing me carrying baby in a sling for first time! She was horrified but has since been fine.

I've struggled with feeling a lot of guilt about my eldest, she's always been the centre of mine and hUBS world and so I'm constantly over thinking about is she happy/does she know she loved etc etc ESP when I've been tired and grumpy...and it is easy to get irritable over tantrums when you've had no sleep

Overall I think so long as older ones world doesn't change too drastically and things continue in a relatively predictable fashion then I think this makes a lot of difference but it's all learning and readjusting and takes time. Good luck it will all be worth it!

[seasaltbaby]

Hi sparkly, our DC2 is due in about 7/8 weeks & I'm too increasingly sharing your worries, plus a general 'how am I going to cope'! Hope you've found the suggestions in here helpful, some good ideas!

[KeepSmiling83]

I'm not pregnant with #2 but we are about to start TTC and I am really nervous about all the things you have mentioned. I was an only child so no experience of siblings and my DH doesn't really get on with his sister so no nice relationships to reassure myself with!

I don't imagine DD being an only child and she loves babies but I'm just so worried she will feel pushed out. She is the most important thing in my life and I can't imagine loving another one like that! Are these normal things to worry about? Did you worry about it before you were pregnant with #2? Or is this a sign we shouldn't have another one?

[morerummorefun]

im due dc2 in 7 weeks and my dd is 2&1/2.
Every morning she climbs into our bed and kisses my belly and says good morning. she also loves rubbing the bio oil in and hearing the stories of whem she was a wee baby in mummys tummy. ive let her pick a toy for the new baby and had bought her a pretty dress to wear when she comes to he hospital to pick me and the baby up.
I was worried for a while bit I think she will take the big sister role in her stide.
good luck with everything xx

[hubbahubster]

I must be very hard-hearted. I'm 5 weeks from delivering DC2 and I haven't worried about how DC1 will cope. Frankly I'm just thinking about how much good it'll do him not to have everything his own way! It'll definitely need some policing, but he could do with a daily lesson in sharing, being gentle etc.

[findingherfeet]

Not hard hearted hubba! I agree, certainly the world revolved around my daughter till son arrived and sharing etc is important part of having a sibling and good for me and hubs not to be soooo focused on DD.... It's just quite hard work getting her to go along with this

[Thatsnotmyfigure]

Really useful ideas here! I'm due in August and there'll be a 2 yr age gap. I've been quite freaked out about how I'll cope with a v lively little boy and nb. How much do you think a 2 yr old will understand about baby coming home etc. have not discussed it yet as it seems too far off

[dontevenblink]

I have 3 dc and am expecting our 4th in September :) I have a 24 month age gap between my first 2, then a 23 month age gap between the next 2 (there will be a 2yr 5 month age gap between 3 and 4 which seems huge now ) I was worried about the same thing when I was pregnant with dc2 as DD was very, very clingy, but I needn't have been as each time, from the moment they came to the hospital to meet their sibling they have been so excited and have just accepted that the new baby is part of the family. I didn't buy presents from the baby but they were allowed to choose a special toy to give to the baby which they really enjoyed choosing, DD (who is now 6) is already thinking about what to buy the new one!
Hubba, I definitely agree I think it does them the world of good to learn to share and learn to act around others - they are incredibly gentle around one of my friend's 4 month old ds and people always comment on this.