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Partner driving me mad - need to rant!

(8 Posts)
mimi74 Sat 18-Jan-14 15:11:10

So after weeks of OH not telling his 2 kids I'm pregnant, he finally did and it all went pear shaped. 15 year old says we've ruined his life and he never wants to see me or baby. 9 year old just not in touch with me any more. Got on great with them both before they found out. OH being very distant, we don't live together, he says he doesn't know how he can split his time between us all. He split from his wife last Jan and we got pregnant very quickly (like within 2 weeks of starting to see each other last Sept.....pretty miraculous, he had a vasectomy that has reversed itself) He never wanted any more kids, I'm 40 in 2 weeks and feel this is my last chance, I love him and want it to work and the thought of doing this alone terrifies me. He says he loves me very much and I believe him, but he basically doesn't want a baby. Well unfortunately we come as a package now.... I wasn't exactly planning for one either, children never featured in my life plan, but there was no way I was terminating, so I went ahead, but I think he feels I didn't involve him in that decision. angry
Original plan was for him to move in with me sometime soon but now I cant see that happening, he has his kids overnight every other weekend and they basically hate me.
I feel I have no hope for the future, and all I can do is plan for this on my own just in case. But I feel miserable, low and lonely all the time. I feel this poor little baby is just not being celebrated.
So to try and perk myself up I've booked in for a private gender and reassurance scan tomorrow (I'm 17+3) just hoping they can tell! Then maybe I can start to plan forward a bit. 20 week scan is 7th Feb but I'm going insane and just can't wait til then.

Don;t know what advice I want really, just to rant !!

Writerwannabe83 Sat 18-Jan-14 16:06:14

Hi Mimi, I'm sorry it has gone so pear shaped. Just remember the news is very fresh to his children, they will go through so many emotions as they digest the news. Don't assume that this initial reaction is going to be how they feel in a few weeks time. I doubt even you and your partner have fully accepted the news and all it entails and the huge life change it will cause, so to expect children to do so immediately is unrealistic. You may find it takes them another good few months to really get their heads around it. I really sympathise with you though about feeling like the baby isn't being celebrated, so much for one of the happiest times of your life eh?! It's crap that the pregnancy is surrounded by a lot of negative feeling BUT I think you have done the right thing in continuing with the pregnancy and even if you do have to do it alone (although I do think it will come good in the end) the baby is obviously going to have a very loving mother.

Me and my DH had a Private Gender scan at 16 weeks and it was magical - you are going to love it. I was in absolute awe at what I was seeing and the company I went through were amazing. They took their time, explained everything to me etc end it was just amazing. I can't describe it. And finding out the sex was wonderful - the whole experience is something I will never forget. I'm sure it will be just as perfect for you thanks

firstpglivingabroad Sun 19-Jan-14 00:55:48

Hi OP - I have a similar but different situation. Any chance you live in London? I'll be moving there soon. Am 37 and 14+6 today. Got together with my partner in September. We were sloppy about contraception but not entirely without it, I did not expect to get pg at my age. Long story short - he walked out on me nearly 2 weeks ago. When I was at work. I got home and everything was gone. Just a note saying he'd left and flown back to europe. He says he wants a baby and a family (he's divorced, no children) but his actions say different. At my age I feel it's my last chance to be a mummy so termination has never been an option for me, even though it's taken huge adjustment to get my head around what is happening.

If you want a private rant please message me - all the feelings you describe above are mine too. I'm planning on doing everything on my own as just don't see he will contribute practical or financial support. I go through stages of feeling that it will be OK, to crying hysterically on my own because I don't know how I'll possibly cope. But I will - as will you - because we have no choice and unlike the men cannot possibly run away from what is happening.

Foxeym Sun 19-Jan-14 09:01:53

Hi op I remember your last post, just give them time. It's just sometimes hard for kids to digest the news that their parent is having children with someone else. It took my DCs until they saw their brother in the hospital and then I think they realised he is just an innocent baby and not a threat and they fell in love with him. Everything is still very raw, time is a great healer, I know it's not easy but just be patient and concentrate on yourself for now

mimi74 Sun 19-Jan-14 19:49:17

Writerwannabe83 I know you are right, I suppose I had a picture in my head of how it would all be but I suppose I had to expect some difficulties.

firstpglivingabroad sorry no I live in the north west. So sorry to hear your situation. I never thought I would be a mum but like you feel this is my last chance. I'll message you.

Thanks Foxeym remember your wise words last time. I am expecting too much too soon, it has only been 9 days since he told them.

Original plan was for OH to move in with me and I guess I had got my hopes up for that, and now that has been delayed indefinitely. We talked today about the fact that even when baby comes he might not be living with me. But he wants to be a part of the baby's life and for that I need to be thankful.

Perked up a bit today as had gender scan and it's a little boy! At least now I feel I can start to plan ahead. And no matter what come June, I won't be alone anyway as I will have my lovely son smile

ashtrayheart Sun 19-Jan-14 19:56:30

Congratulations thanks
Things may settle down when your baby is here and is more real for the ones who aren't carrying him.

Mini74
Just wondered how OH reacted to the news he was having a son? Did he go to scan??

In regards to the other DC's my 15 year old DD from my previous marriage was devastated!!! She has a constant fear of rejection, from me and my ex and can be very jealous at times, having said that though after a lot of reassurance from both myself and my partner she is getting mildly excited now lol it just takes time - hopefully things will sort themselves out I suppose its just important not to push or force things along xx

mimi74 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:52:43

Thanks ashtrayheart I hope so, it just seems an eternity away right now.

Hi aussiebaby
Yes he came. He thought it would be a girl so I am not sure how he feels about a boy.... He sat with me a while yesterday and we went through names etc, but I can tell his heart just isn't in it. He is spending some time with his 15yo tonight, I wonder if he will tell him it's a boy? Not sure.
Yes time seems to be the key factor in all this. I'm just too damn impatient and feeling lonely and rejected.

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