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Just pregnant - but how to share with friend having trouble ttc and going for ivf?

(24 Posts)
joosiewoosie Tue 23-Jul-13 22:19:39

Title says it all really. Am only 4 weeks pg with dc2 after 3 months of trying. Good friend has been ttc for past year and has mentioned briefly she is now going for ivf.
How do I share my news with her in a sensitive way?
Any tips/advice/ideas appreciated!
Thank you!

LostMySocks Tue 23-Jul-13 22:25:20

It's really hard. I had the same with my sister. She's been trying for two years and had just had lots of horrible tests when I told her. All you can do is be sensitive. Choose a time when you are at home as she is likely be happy for you and sad for herself. My sister was genuinely pleased and happy for me and then burst into tears for herself. This would have been horried fir her if anywhere public I still talk about the baby and she says she doesn't want me to pussy foot around but I try not to go on about it too much.

KarmaBiatch Tue 23-Jul-13 23:01:57

just be honest, but don't do it with 'pity eyes', it will make her feel like shit! I have had various friends in both situations, and everyone who was ttc was so happy for the pregnant friends, but it must be tough. you might expect them to temporarily distance themselves, and you will find you don't want to discuss the pregnancy for fear of upset, and if you do, you'll feel guilty. but don't feel guilty, your friend will genuinely be happy for you, and hopefully she'll get to see all your highs and lows or peegnancy and feel included smile

Xmasbaby11 Tue 23-Jul-13 23:38:00

I agree about getting your friend on her own somewhere she is comfortable, probably at home. Does she know you are TTC? It helps her if she suspects what's coming and then she can prepare herself.

I had a similar situation with a friend at work who had had 2 mc and was in her 40s so running out of time. I had to tell her by text as it was about to get out at work and I didn't want her to hear through the grapevine. There was no chance to get her on her own. I think it helped her as she had time to take it in before facing me and was genuinely happy for me, of course.

highlove Wed 24-Jul-13 06:57:21

I've been in your friend's situation and currently very cautiously/anxiously pg after a few IVFs. However pleased you are for people, it really hurts and she will be very sad for herself. Definitely tell on her own. TBH I would have preferred a text (when you know she won't be at work etc) but if it's your best friend that's harder. If you can, tell her early so she's got time to adjust before it's public. Don't feel you can't ever mention it again but remember she'd kill for morning sickness/backache/whatever do won't have sympathy. Don't expect her to come to a baby shower. Don't say anything like "I'm sure it will be you next".

I think the fact you stop to ask shows you will be sensitive anyway. Good luck, it's not an easy thing to do. Don't let this spoil your excitement.

crazyhead Wed 24-Jul-13 08:05:44

I had this with my friend. Text or email her out of work hours, don't let her find out from anyone else, don't be tempted to avoid her but be cool if she needs to avoid you for a bit.

ChairOfTheBored Wed 24-Jul-13 09:48:46

Congratulations! Bless you for thinking of this. We struggled with TTC for two years (happily 14 weeks today, following treatment) and I was always grateful for those who acted with sensitivity at what was such a happy time for them.

I would suggest perhaps letting her know by text of e-mail first, then meet up, or meeting somewhere very private, that she feels able to show any emotions. I was always pleased for friends, but there was a small part of me that needed a good cry/rail against the universe and all that was unjust before I could completely share in their joy, and doing this in public would have been v hard.

chipmonkey Wed 24-Jul-13 10:25:49

After my dd died, my SIL emailed me to let me know she was pg. i can't have any more children. I found that best as I have good days and bad days and on a bad day, I might have burst into tears.

Slavetominidictator Wed 24-Jul-13 10:40:43

I really would tell her by text or email so that she has chance to decide how she responds to you. I have been in your friend's position and it helped, as I was delighted for my friends but also pissed off at my own crappy luck.... I felt a lot more dignified to have got myself together by the time I saw them (happened with a few friends) in person and to just show my happiness for them.
Also, don't delay. It wasn't a great big deal, but I know I was told later than others because they weren't sure how to tell me. I hated being treated differently, but as I said, not a huge deal, as I understand why.
Only caveat is if your friend is one of these people who thinks important news must be given face to face. I am not one of those people, obviously.
Congratulations!

okavango Wed 24-Jul-13 10:53:35

I am another one to support not saying face to face but it does of course depend on your relationship. Can you wait until 12 weeks? My brother and SiL told us face to face that they were 8.5 weeks when we had had 2 mcs at 8.5 weeks. We are pg now but dh and I will never forget that sensation of being so shocked and not being able to react. I felt sick while being v pleased for them but also pretty surprised that they would talk about it so early.

okavango Wed 24-Jul-13 10:57:42

sorry but also completely agree with previous post and am about to contradict myself! If you are telling people now do not leave her out. It doesn't help and comes across as cowardly however well intentioned.

Full credit to you for being so thoughtful and such a good friend. smile smile

eurozammo Wed 24-Jul-13 11:00:39

Email or text is best so she has time to digest the news before she has to face you.

Cornwall73 Wed 24-Jul-13 14:24:10

After TTC for 7 yrs and enduring several cycles of failed and successful IVF and miscarriages I am now pg with twins and have been on both sides of this situation.

Firstly thanks for thinking about how it will affect her and for being sensitive about breaking news. What with the news overload about the royal baby she is probably having some hard times.

I always preferred an email letting me know basic facts and acknowledging how hard it must be to receive this news. This allowed me time to take in the news in private and deal with it in my own way.

Everyone is different and deal with news differently but I always contacted friends back (eventually), congratulating them, thanking them for their sensitivity but also explaining that I may not be very 'engaging' with them and their pg as it is too painful. They thanked me for my frankness too and there were no hard feelings.

I hope others follow your example, so many people don't and go in all guns blazing!

ceara Wed 24-Jul-13 15:16:41

I've been on both sides of this conversation (currently pregnant after IVF). You sound a good and empathetic friend to be thinking so carefully of your friend's feelings so am sure will find the right words.

I'm another one who prefers having this sort of news by email so that I can do my crying privately and compose myself to be happy for my pregnant friend when I next see her. But if you are close enough to your ttc friend that she will be comfortable having the tearson your shoulder knowing you understand, then face to face might be the right way for you. You'll know her best.

Either way, I completely agree with other posters that it's always easiest to have the news from your pregnant friend, and early, rather than being told last or even worse, hearing via the grapevine from someone who might be less sensitive. I also really appreciated pregnant friends who didn't attempt comforting platitudes like "you'll be next" but just gave me a hug and aknowledged how shit and unfair it was and that there was nothing they could say to make it better, but were wishing as hard as they could for the outcome I wanted. I also agree that it's good to be up front in letting your TTC friend off the hook for baby showers etc and reassuring her that you won't be hurt if there are days when she can't face being around the pregnant lady. Maybe keep in touch by email or text at those times and talk about all the non-baby stuff you have in common (even though your pregnancy is the most important thing in your life right now) - one of the horrible side effects of infertility is feeling you will be left behind by all your friends as one by one they join the mummy club and you have nothing in common any more so maybe make an extra effort to keep in touch and reassure her you're still interested in her world. And it goes without saying that the absolute no-no, however strong the friendship, is moaning about pregnancy symptoms or the things you can't eat/drink etc :-)

joosiewoosie Wed 24-Jul-13 20:01:16

Thank you all for your advice!
Bearing in mind what you've all said, I think I will text her this week to give her some time to feel and react how she needs to in her own space and way. Now, just to find the words...! X

Newmum0113 Thu 25-Jul-13 01:36:51

We had a similar situation whereby my SIL was TTC for 5 yrs with no luck and had just started IVF. My DH and I fell immediately (literally once was all it took) which was a shock as I have PCOS and all our family have had problems TTC.

Before we had even told my SIL, it had caused a rift between the family as everyone else was worried about how my SIL would feel about it/react. It meant that for me, what was meant to be the happiest time of my life so far was ruined. We were treated like naughty teenagers, not a married couple who planned a baby.

We waited a week as my SIL was due her check up to see if her IVF was successful as we didn't want to cause undue stress during that time for them. It was successful and she is only 3 weeks behind me.

She said she couldn't have been happier for us as she knew what it was like to want it so badly - although we weren't trying, it was no secret I desperately wanted to start a family.

All is ok now with the family but it really hurt to be treated that way. Even though I know it was only out of concern for my SIL. It still wasn't fair. sad

It has brought my SIL and me closer as friends now which is good smile

JustPretending Thu 25-Jul-13 07:23:03

I am also in this position: early pregnancy & dreading telling friends who are about to have their 3rd, fraught session of IVF. It feels like a betrayal.

I know they find it really tough being around pregnant friends / friends with kids. Have decided to email to give them time to have their own reaction privately. So sad though as I know it will be too hard for them to see us. They often stay with us when visiting our part of the world, as do we with them... Wish it could be different for them & they had some good news, it's been so hard on them ttc.

Alexandra6 Thu 25-Jul-13 07:30:25

Totally agree with other posters that it's nice you're thinking of her feelings. I struggled to ttc for 15 months and a few good friends got pregnant in that time - everyone is different and I'm not just saying this, but I was genuinely happy for them and didn't feel bitter (weirdly I used to get really upset hearing about celeb pregnancies though and had to google their ages each time!)

Anyway one thing I think is nice is to make sure she still feels involved (unless she says it's too difficult of course, as everyone is different) and you're telling her now which is good. Another thing that also helped me when ttc was when friends would acknowledge that it is shit and scary etc, it's natural to want to be positive for them but sometimes it really helped for someone just to understand it's tough!

blondebaby111 Thu 25-Jul-13 09:49:47

It took me years to fall pregnant and we had one failed ivf. From experience it was always hard hearing pregnancy news and it was really hard face to face, you are pleased but so so sad for yourself but you try so hard to not let this show. In my opinion I always found it easier if I got the news by txt as it gave me time for it to sink in, if I needed a little cry I could do it in my own time. Most people are very kind when they know you are ttc, I think the worst point in my life was whwn my mil phoned us up and was very insensitive and just blurted it out that my sil was pregnant and isn't that fantastic news!! I cried for days, not because she was pregnant ( I was happy for her) but the way my mil was so insentitive about it. You sound like a very caring friend otherwise you wouldn't have put this post up xx

blondebaby111 Thu 25-Jul-13 09:51:20

Sent too soon, meant to say just send her a lovley txt, I'm sure she'll find it better than face to face

fluffyraggies Thu 25-Jul-13 15:59:44

You've had fantastic advice here and i would agree with it all, so good luck with finding the words this week OP.

My two-pence worth of advice (as someone who has struggled ttc'ing, and been told about friend's and relatives pregnancies in every way possible - from great to awful. Most awful being a surprise family dinner announcement at a restaurant one week after loosing a baby) is not to tag it on the end of a long winded text like an after thought. I had this once - it felt like being lulled into a false sense of security - one minute you're scanning your way though a nice/fairly hum drum text, then you get a slap in the face at the end!

Well done you for looking into this and i hope your friend takes it well, and all goes well with you xx

joosiewoosie Fri 26-Jul-13 07:18:21

I sent a text last night, and my chum responded really positively within an hoursmile
She seemed really pleased for us and to be in an ok place herself with it all at the moment. She even said that she wondered the other day if I was pregnant!
Thanks everyone for your advice!

fluffyraggies Fri 26-Jul-13 08:52:38

That's really good to hear joosie - well done! grin

It's very likely your friend had a cry, then was able to pull it together and get to her feelings of happiness for you. This is how it should be, and you made it possible to be that way.

I would let her lead the way now, with how much baby talk there is etc. Every one is different, and, as another poster up-thread says, the way it is handled makes a big difference to how she copes going forward.

smile

Monka Fri 26-Jul-13 15:22:35

I also told my ttc friends by text as that way they had personal time to prepare themselves before we saw each other in person. The reactions I got from family who already had 2/3 kids was more interesting they almost seemed put out. My BIL who we saw face to face and has 2 kids gave us a delayed congratulations and then kept telling us ''its still early days anything could happen." Which I agree but when his wife was expecting they told us straight away as well and we were nothing but happy for them and I had no history of mc either.

One of our close friends is going through IVF and they've seen us only once this year but that's completely fine because I can appreciate its very hard for them.

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