Pregnant and partner doesn't want it

[Firstoneat41]

After 17 happy child-free years with my DP I have discovered at the age of 40 that I am pregnant. I hadn't been bothered about babies until about five years ago, then when I told DP I was feeling broody I brought up the subject but he made it clear he didn't want children. I thought he might change his mind and came off the pill last year to increase the chances of 'accidents', and although it wasn't planned and we were using condoms, I am now 9 weeks gone. His reaction has been so negative I have been considering termination and even though I thought it was what I wanted, I have also been feeling negative about the whole thing and I am wondering if I should forget having the child and ditch him as well. He has said reluctantly said he will stand by me even if he really doesn't want to be a father. I feel so confused and need to make a decision soon. I don't feel any attachment to the child, can't face the idea of being a single mum and am not sure if I can go through with it. I have also lost my job and am reliant on DP for money.

[CatsCantFlyFast]

Didn't want to read and run but in all honesty am struggling to say the right thing. IMO you shouldn't have come off the pill without your partners full agreement, and you are now suffering the consequences. I hope you get the support you need to make a difficult decision and for whatever your future may hold afterwards. Please try to think things through in future. Good luck

[sprite25]

Not here to pass judgement but cant help agreeing with merkin if you knew he was so against it then coming off the pill was a foolish mistake, but everyone has made mistakes. Do you think you would feel more positive about it if he did too? Maybe talk to him about how confused your feeling and see if you can come to a decision thats right for both of you? Although try not to think of a termination as a way to just fix things as that alone is a very difficult emotional thing to go through and doesnt just leave your mind overnight. Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.

[wannabeawallaby]

What they said. ^

How could you go 12 years with your partner without discussing whether you both wanted children? And then to come off the pill to increase the likelihood of an accident?

I'm sorry you're in this predicament but you have put yourself there.

Are you mature enough for a baby?

Can you support it on your own?

Your partner is not being unreasonable at all.

[wannabeawallaby]

Sorry, I skipped over the bit where you said you didn't want to do it on your own.

So do you want the baby with a man who doesn't want it? He may love your child and it may all work out.

And don't rush - you still have some time to make a decision. I would recommend some counselling to help you think it through.

[Bumbolina]

I have a friend that had a baby with her husband, both late 30's... he really really didn't want the baby. Asked her to have abortions the lot.
2 years later he is a stay at home dad, and couldn't be prouder. Has even said he would have another one if she wants. Sometimes it just works out alright.

[beckie90]

You need to have a real good think about it and a good talk to your OH...

I got pregnant at 17 to my DP we had only been together a few months. He obviously made it pretty clear he didn't want to be a dad (he was 19) but I told him I wanted to keep the baby, I was honestly very upset as it was such a shock I didn't think I could get pregnant, but something just told me I didn't want a termination. He said well I will stand by you. And he did he was abit on/off through the pregnancy, but I can honestly say from the instance our son was born that all changed he adored him all the world and now 5.5yr later I'm expecting our 3rd.

So basically what I'm trying to say is just because he feels this way now. Doesn't mean it will stay like it . Good luck x

[Firstoneat41]

Hi thanks for your comments. I did make the mistake of coming off the pill but my partner knew about it and supported my decision although I did say I thought it would increase my libido which was partially true. He has also said that part of him does want children so he is not 100% against it. I just didn't think accidents would be so risky at my age! He is older and has hobbies and interests which are not compatible with children. He is also like a boy in some ways and has almost a phobia about responsibility. I am just not sure how I would feel if I had a termination and whether it would have long term damage psychologically and whether I would really want to stay with my partner afterwards. It will probably be my last chance to have a child unless I found someone else quickly! I have said to him that I would understand if he didn't want to stay with me but I would rather he tried to make it work rather than trying to turn back the clock.

[CatsCantFlyFast]

Firstly, apologies, i did not realise from your OP that your partner was aware that you were coming off the pill - my fault for jumping to conclusions. Kudos for coming back and responding to the posts. I imagine you are confused, and the only advice I can give is to take some time to think it through from all angles. As you have heard sometimes it does work out, but sometimes it doesn't, and if you have the baby you will have somebody else to consider. Having said all of that I hope you get the support you need to make the right decision for you and your circumstances, and that it works out the way you want and need it to. The very best of luck.