Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Hi,
Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 08:03:04

(((Hugs)))

I can't really help with anything else but no, I don't think it's legal for him to be named on the birth certificate. He is not the biological father of your child and by being named on the birth certificate, he is taking rights away from another man who, although he doesn't want them now, may change his mind in the future.

Leaving aside the pregnancy for a minute, do you really love your fiance and want to be with him..... for the right reasons? It sounds like the relationship has been rocky in the past if you broke up and conceived with someone else. Having a baby is hard, if you are not happy with your partner it will be harder.

No, you shouldn't name him on the birth certificate if you know he isn't the father. That would be a terrible thing to do to your child, who will have a right to know who their biological father is.

Look after yourself, you have been through a traumatic time and pregnancy hormones won't be helping.

Mama1980 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:28:10

I have no real advice sorry but absolutely no judging here (( unmumsnetty hugs))
Do you think maybe you need to take some time to think, and really decide what you want? If you want to be with your fiance?
As for the birth certificate no you can't put him as the father when he is not thats not legal and very unfair to your child.
Take care

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 08:31:10

Wow, what a year... I have a lot of respect for you actually. Why would anybody judge? You weren't in a relationship at the time (for many people that in itself is where they would judge I guess but plenty of people make mistakes), and for the foreseeable future you weren't in a relationship.

I think you are feeling bad because you feel sad for your fiancé. Obviously the circumstances of the break up etc are none of my business but you make it sound like it was mutual and the sad bit is you wanted to make it work this time around. Then you found out about your pregnancy... And feel you have messed up again when you just wanted it to be right and forever. Of course, you can tell me I'm wrong, but that's how interpret it. The bad thing about guilt is that it eats away at you, and two things can happen:

1) You change the way you behave towards your OH - perhaps trying too hard or making sacrifices because you feel you owe it to him
2) You become very defensive about things which can affect your relationship.

Look out for these. (Btw I have no experience nor am I qualified to offer advice but I'm just writing what comes into my head and seems to make sense to me! Take or leave or believe what you like!). Your fiancé wants to be with you because of who you are - don't change that, just be yourself.

So, it's early days and I imagine you will always feel guilty, but start getting over it as much as you can and get back to being you. You can't change the situation. If your fiancé decided to walk then that would be his choice and I don't think you could blame him. But he didn't. He's told you what his decision is and what he wants to do and you have to respect that. He loves you, and he will love the baby you have made because it too is part if you, I'm sure. He loves the fact that you feel so strongly for your bean and can't face aborting it - and if you care about something he will too. It sounds like you have a pretty awesome guy there...

Yes, he will probably always feel a bit sad - but he has kids from a previous relationship too. Granted your intimate relationship with your friend wasn't exactly long term... But things happen. You both accept that you have lived and loved before, and this is your new chapter. It's not unusual to have step children that you love like your own. And apart from the genes, everything else about this child will be his - he will bring it up, teach it to ride a bike, take it to school, change its nappy, hold its hand, kiss its grazed knee - it's his, the other guy disowned it. And its yours, and he will see you in the child. If he can accept all this then you have to as well, and make it any harder on yourself, or for him.

I don't think I can suggest that you stop talking about it - it's too early for that, but it might soon be time to start sweeping up any egg shells you are walking on. There will likely be times when he gets sad and down and you will need to let him have some space, and times when he needs a hug and reassurance that he is the one for you - and how his amazing behaviour and support makes him the best thing that ever happened to you - but so long as you show him every day that he is the most important person in your life then that is all you can do.

You can't predict whether your relationship will stand the test of time, or whether things will work out, but that isn't your fault. Both of you may have more decisions to make that come about in the future and you will have to tackle these at the time and respect each others' feelings. You only have the here and now, and the decisions and situation you have now, and you have to live for now. Who knows what might happen tomorrow anyway? Take every day at face value. If you want to make it work, respect your current decisions as a couple and embrace them. It is no help to worry about the future, it might never need worrying about. And if it does, then worry about it then!

Good luck with everything - and stop blaming yourself quite so much! You aren't the only one to have made a mistake with contraception... Which, ultimately, is what happened. And your "mistake" could well be one of the best things that ever happens to you!

Look after yourself and your fiancé, just be yourself smile

PS The hormones won't be helping... So keep things in perspective and ask for help from your GP etc if you need it. flowers

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:44:48

Phew, I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face. I'm so confused. I love my baby, and realise I need to keep calm to protect them. I am totally confused about what to do about the babies natural father though. What happens when its born? Who do I put on the birth certificate? Is it wrong if the baby grows up calling my fiancee its father? Should the baby know fiancee isn't its father? Will baby be traumatised by rejection from natural father. Natural father said so many negative things about the baby and me. He said even if baby turned up at his door in years to come he'd reject it. He said he won't change his mind.

Oh my goodness, I really don't know what to do?

I'm not working and not likely to due to being pregnant again, until after the baby is born. I don't have much money and struggle every week. I feel traumatised due to what happened in the past year, and am grieving my life before the trauma happened. I used to earn brilliant money, and enjoyed my work. I know I had to leave work as it was severely affecting my health, and there is no price for that. When I first applied for benefits, I was refused as I'd left my job. I had to appeal, and go into deeply personal detail, which humiliated me so much sad

Wish sometimes that I could just run away and hide..... but know I can't.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 09:05:18

When you say "don't know what to do", what do you mean? Are you wondering about termination? What are the options you are considering?

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:08:34

No, I would not consider abortion at all.
I don't know what to do regarding the baby and my r/s with fiancee....

There were reasons why we broke up in the first place, yes. I won't go into detail. But, the trauma had a significant affect on me and how I behave.

Fiancee behaves like a child sometimes, and one of the reasons I'm so confused today is that I am wondering if indeed want to continue with the r/s.

I'm feeling so consumed, and confused.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 09:32:54

With the birth certificate, you can't simply 'put down a name' the father has got to be present at the registration to be named as father unless the parents are married. Obviously you can't put your dp, and it won't do any harm to leave it blank, it won't have any effect on your baby and nobody will know there's only one parents name there, it's only a form.
As for your relationship, I think the only thig you can do is sit down with your dp and get all the issues out in the open and decide together hat the best way forward for the both of you is. Try not to let your hormones rule your decisions, I know it's easier said than done. Good luck xx

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 09:46:13

I agree with the above. My long post probably completely didn't help! If you are unsure then I think that says something... If the relationship doesn't hold we'll then with a baby it might be worse. You want the baby to have a father, but if you aren't sure he is the right one I would suggest not rushing. Financial reasons have to be irrelevant really in terms of your decision because ultimately your relationship will affect your happiness and that of the baby.

You have to think about why you got back together and whether it is for the right reasons - for example that you love him and pretty much everything about him, with all your heart, he will stand by you, and you can't imagine being happier with anyone else.

If you aren't sure you need to to take your time and work it out. The decision about the baby is made, but in my opinion the best decision you can make for your baby is the one that is best for your long term happiness, which means the right partner. A happy home is the best home, even if that means a home without a dad, at least in the short term. That is only my opinion, I'm sure others will disagree.

The stuff about the biological father is pretty irrelevant if he doesn't want to know and you are keeping the baby, it is what it is; so in my view there is no point in stressing about that for now. It just means that one day you might have to have that frank talk and let your child ask questions.

You have to talk it out, and if you are going round in circles with the same things you broke up for in the past and things aren't changing then maybe they never will. But you have plenty of time to work this out, so give the hormones chance to chill too. Hugs, and good luck.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:55:07

Read through all of the posts, and I'm going to be brave now.....

Fiancee seems to have a problem controlling his sexual urges. blush

We broke up as I couldn't deal with waking up and finding him touching me, and ultimately trying to enter me or wanting to have sex. Also he left his email system open and I saw an email to a woman he met on the train. He said how good it'd been to meet her and that he'd like to go out for dinner or drinks. When I confronted him, he said that I have male friends, and why shouldn't he have female friends. He admitted eventually that he'd found her sexually attractive, and was feeling insecure with me. Said he would have told her he was in a r/s, and wasn't looking for anything but friendship. I didn't and still don't believe him.

Last night I was woken up by him intimately touching me, again. He'd done it a few days before, and promised it wouldn't happen again.

When we broke up, and got back together it was with the condition that things had to change. He promised that he would not behave like that again. Saying if he did, then I was within my rights to end the r/s.

Part of me is thinking him behaving like this is a get out clause on his part. Is he feeling insecure about the baby and behaving like this to make me finish with him?

I'm so ashamed to be admitting this blush..... I am so worried about being judged. I'm on benefits, pregnant and with a man who I think (not sure) I love, and if I'm honest, although we have good times and he makes me laugh, I realise he is sexually abusive. OH GOD confused

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:19:42

Oh my God confused you need to get out if this relationship NOW!

You cannot seriously be thinking about spending the rest of your life with a man who is abusing you like this.

Please please put yourself and your baby first. You do not have to live like this.

DolomitesDonkey Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:20

It is NOT illegal to "lie" on the birth certificate about paternity - good grief - where does this come from? It might not be ethical, but if we're going to start locking women up because they're "not quite sure" it's a slippery slope.

FWIW - where I live only my husband can be named on the birth certificate - no matter how many men I entertained behind the bins!

DolomitesDonkey Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:41

"slippery slope" - I did not mean it's a "slippery slope" - I meant it's fucking insane.

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:58

Sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time of it. I agree with a few posts on here already - you need time to figure out if you want to be with your fiancée at all. His behaviour is unnerving - I agree. Have you challenged him about his bahaviour towards you? it sounds really awful. No woman (or man) should have to put up with that - its rape... you arent consenting becuase you arent awake. How terrible for you. It sounds like you don't trust him in other ways too - from the email you found. It sounds to me like there are some control issues - he feels insecure and his way of taking back control is to abuse you - that is not right, you don't have to put up with that. I would worry too about how he will deal with the baby - it's going to take up a lot of your time - how will he deal with that? Also your baby shouldn't have to witness any of this behaviour and think its normal because it really isn't.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to just think things over? You really need to separate the two things- the baby and your relationship. You already know you want to keep the baby, so that is something you can put to one side for the moment. Deal with the relationship first - do you want to be with him? Abuse of any kind is not ok - I'd get out of there like a shot.

Sounds like a very tough time but try to stay calm and if you can get some support from friends and family to help see it through brew. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:38:49

Sorry if I was a bit harsh, I didn't mean to be.

Please re-read what you have posted, OP. ok, so you're pregnant and the circumstances aren't ideal. But they are what they are. You can't change them.

IMO the reasons why you split with your fiancé in the first place are very valid. This does not sound like one of those times when a couple broke up and they really shouldn't have. Although, I do tend to be of the view that if you break up, it's for a reason and you should stay broken up. I struggle to believe that people can really change change themselves to make what was a broken relationship work again long-term.

You've said it yourself, this man is sexually abusive. He said he would change. He didn't. He promised again he would change. A couple of days later and he's abusing you again.

Who knows what could happen next time. Please, please get yourself some help, get out and stay out of this relationship. You can and will cope alone. Alone will be so much better than being afraid to go to sleep.

Maybe he is trying to get you to dump him by abusing you. Who cares - just please do it.

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:26

Dolomites a birth certificate is a legal document. If you knowingly put the wrong man's name on it, why wouldn't it be a criminal offence?

And who has said the OP would be locked up for it? No one. Just because you commit a criminal offence does not automatically mean that you are sent to prison.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:26

Seems to me the relationship and the pregnancy are two separate issues.

Your 'D'P is a sexually incontinent arsehole. He is knowingly assaulting you, I'm not sure why you are tolerating it. You split up with him before - you were right to then.

The baby - it sounds like you are firmly set on having this baby on your own and that sounds like a sensible enough plan, much better to parent alone than with a twat. And I feel pretty damn sure that if your current bloke was still around, he would be throwing it back in your face that it's not his child and resenting the demands a baby puts on any relationship.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:34

Donkey, with all due respect, it's not about just telling a 'lie' and that's the end of it, if the op was to name her current partner as baby's dad, what happens if the baby has a medical condition that turns out to be hereditary? Or something happens later on in life and things would just be made worse by having knowingly put someone else's name down to make them feel better at the time? It may not be illegal to knowingly put the wrong name down but IMO it should be! X

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I think you should try to accept the fact that both these men have completely let you down and are not suitable for being in your life anymore, at all.

Your friend has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you or the baby -- fine, his loss.

Your fiance is a rapist and you need him out of your life, now.

Let them go. They're twats. Focus on building up a support network for you and the baby, and focus on the positives, like -- you're going to have a baby! Get rid of your fiance and you can focus on how great it is to be having a baby, instead of worrying about him all the time.

How far along are you? If you tell your midwife everything you are going through, especially with the PTSD, there is a lot of support you can hopefully access.

I know you must be scared but just keep taking deep breaths and talking to people and asking for help and advice. One day at a time.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 10:44:48

Last night I was woken up by him intimately touching me, again. He'd done it a few days before, and promised it wouldn't happen again.

When we broke up, and got back together it was with the condition that things had to change. He promised that he would not behave like that again. Saying if he did, then I was within my rights to end the r/s.

He hasn't changed and he doesn't plan to. And you do not need his permission to end the relationship shock

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:52:27

This may sound extremely feeble, blush but, and its a big but, I'm worried about being judged... Yes, I know it sounds pathetic. Its always easier to judge other peoples lives, but when it comes to your own life, its not that easy.
I am not just pregnant, I'm several months, hence not aborting, not that I would do anyway. I'm showing and am feeling the baby move, and I know the babies sex.

I am living a fasade it seems, that all is well and that my fiancee is a wonderful man. After my trauma, I was desperately sad, and if I'm honest was with him for the security and because I felt so scared being on my own. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling so pathetic and thinking, oh my goodness, what do I sound like?

I know that what he is doing is wrong, and it scares me. Is he insecure about the baby, hence taking back some control by sexually abusing me? Does he feel its his right to sexually touch me? He says that when I'm asleep I push onto him and he thinks I'm giving him the signal that its ok to continue?

I'm so tired today, as I couldn't get back to sleep after it happened last night/early this morning. I blasted him, saying what the hell are you doing, and he turned over and went to sleep. I was unable to get back to sleep. When he left this morning (he doesn't live here, was staying over) I was on my computer with headphones in. He attempted to converse, but I totally ignored him, and he left. I've not heard anything from him all day.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 10:56:43

How brave of you to write that down! That's why you are so upset this morning...

Confused, you know the answer, you have written it down for yourself to see. If he is sexually abusive (which that is) then who knows how things may change, for the worse... You know if you love someone, you said "I think"...

My opinion is you get out and start your new life with your bubba as your new exciting step and leave all your awful year behind. Things happen, you have such a low opinion of yourself! You sound like a strong woman to me, and you can probably do this on your own. Leave him behind. You can get a job, speak to dwp about your options now you are pregnant.

"I'm on benefits, pregnant, with a man I (think) I love... And who is sexually abusive" - smacks of low self esteem... thats what happens in situations like this. Pick yourself up honey, not everyone on benefits and pregnant is the same thanks - cut yourself some slack, chin up and start on your exciting new life somewhere else. I hope that's what I would do. You can do it xx

He tries to rape you because he's a rapist

I'm sorry to shout but really, don't torture yourself trying to figure out why he's doing it. It's so far beyond the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, you should focus on figuring out a way to get away from him, not understanding him better.

It's great he doesn't live with you.

If you are that far along, have you been able to get any specialised antenatal care?

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 10:59:53

By the way - people always judge about everything. If you stay, they will judge too. If I were you I'd get as far away as possible, where no-one knows me and I could start afresh. Much, much easier said than done in the short term, but perhaps in the long term you'd find it easier. x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now