Life experiences or advice needed to help sort my head out.

[NonMilkyMum]

Hey Chaps

Could do with some life experiences and advice to help sort my head out.

I am 28 weeks pregnant and so far I've had a really easy ride of it all.

This pregnancy wasn't planned in fact I wasn't planning on having kids. I've slowly got my head around the idea so on good days I feel mechanical, going through the motions of pregnancy and the good feelings that pregnancy brings. On bad days I think I've made a mistake. Everyone is so excited except me it seems. I've heard all the stories of feelings changing immediately after the birth so I am keeping an open mind.

I run a business with my partner and I am returning to my other job after the baby arrives so I am excited about that. It seems like everything in my life is falling into place except my relationship with my partner, which I think has run it course.

Don't get me wrong he is perfect in every way. We don't argue, we make a really good team, our sex life has died but then I take full responsibility for that as I just don't think I'm in love him any more. I love him more like a brother (or so it feels at the moment) and the last thing I want is to hurt him.

We have been together for 6 years the business we have is doing well and doesn't cause us any stress or arguments.

Am I being hormonal and experiencing "the grass is greener" syndrome? I have spent the last few days in tears over it (which I am putting down to hormones). I seem happiest when I am on my own. I might normally put all this down to pregnancy hormones but I started to doubt our relationship last year.

Has anyone been through this/left their partner after birth/stayed even though they had similar feelings?

All experiences or "twopence worth" much appreciated

:(

[meltedmarsbars]

NMM, sounds like you are full of contradictory hormones.

My tuppence-worth would be take nothing for granted (not even the baby) and don't make any big decisions until after the baby is born.

A child is never a mistake - you are leaving your indelible mark on the human race. Try to

[zahara1]

I think you have some issues with your partner but your hormones also seemt o be playing tricks on you.

Agree with meltedmarsbars: don't make any decision until the baby is born and you have given your couple a chance to settle in your new life with a baby. You might see more clearly then but I think once the baby has arrived, you will know what to do.

Best of luck! :)

[bundlebelly]

I agree, keep talking on here, or to good friends about how you feel. You are definately not alone. But your mind and body are awash with hormones which are causing confusion and self doubt. Don't make any life changing decisions yet. I have a friend who had a very negative pregnancy, I think she was in denial about the realities of having a child, and she was scared of the responsibility and the life changes, but two years later she is enjoying life with her little one and has no regrets. But doesn't want any more!
Can you talk openly to your partner, maybe you could work through it together, or would it be too challenging for him to hear?

[PaigeTurner]

Can't comment on the relationship issue, but I think the ambivalent feelings during pregnancy are pretty usual. My first post on MN was about exactly this - maybe search some old posts and you will see there are many others who are not massively excited and view it as a process - me included.

hth

[NonMilkyMum]

Thank you SO much everyone...I am focusing my my mind on the fact that the turbulent feelings are being magnified by hormones :)

bundlebelly:

I have considered talking to my partner BUT it might be too much for him to hear.

When I had my doubts last year we discussed it and he was devastated. He finalised his view on it saying he didn't want to make me unhappy and if I needed to leave then he understood. I think he had resigned himself to the fact that my doubts have gone away.

Am definitely trying to stay positive.

[prettywhiteguitar]

I would say give it time, you can see how you feel after the birth of your baby. By the way your hormones don't settle down for about 6 months so don't rush into decisons at this time. If you didn't split up before there must have been a reason for you other than he was devastated ?

You will need his help after the birth and who knows you may feel differently going through this together.

Be kind to yourself and your partner and at least you will have done the right thing at a very stressful time. Good luck ! Iwas pleased to be pregnant but really felt held back too so most women have mixed feelings about it even if the baby is plannned.

[bundlebelly]

Yes, try to be positive, but let your feelings out in a safe way. I find feelings fester and gain strength if you try to squash them, and will come out in a damaging way. there's always people on here to talk to!
When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew the relationship was dead. We sort of half talked about ending it, but just didn't have the support or strength to do it, and the relationship wasn't bad enough to warrant going it alone. It is really hard being a single parent. We did eventually split when she was two, but it was amicable, we both knew it had to happen and we remained friends. I know it is unusual, but it can happen. Even though we split eventually I am glad that we saw each other through the early bit with a newborn, as I had no-one else to help me and got very depressed.
Each situation is different and only you know your heart. It will all be ok in the end!

[youngblowfish]

I think you have already received brilliant advice on here, but I just wanted to add that feeling differently about your partner in pregnancy seems normal for me.

I love my DH very much and I consider our relationship to be really happy, yet since I have fallen pregnant our healthy, enjoyable sex life has dwindled. I just don't think about it at all. It took me completely by surprise, as I am normally quite sensual and consider intimacy really important. It is nothing to do with him or my feelings for him - I blame it entirely on the hormones.

Secondly, I am actually a lot happier on my own - DH is abroad ATM and although I miss him, I actually like having the bed to myself and only thinking about the things I want to do. It is almost as if thinking about his needs all of a sudden became a chore - weird, as we care a lot about each other and I would say we both normally try to be considerate.

I try not to worry about my shift in feelings. I am hoping that, like nausea and tiredness, eventually they will pass as well and I will feel like myself again :).

As for finding pregnancy fun... well... [hollow laugh]

[prettywhiteguitar]

yes sorry I wasn't trying to say 'stay with him' !! I had my partner walk out after 6mths and I really wished that i'd had his full support even if we hadn't been together. Unfortunately he was quite nasty about it, also got with a girl quite quickly afterwards so he hardly saw his son for about 4mths when we tried getting back together.

We are amicable now 3yrs down the line but it would have helped so much not to have gone through that when DS was so young.

I'm sure your partner is much nicer :)