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Gender Disappointment help needed

(22 Posts)
user1466337901 Sun 19-Jun-16 13:13:49

I know I'm probably going to get some abuse for this post but I don't know where else to turn.
I have a 2 year old and 7 week old and both are boys. When I found out my youngest was a boy at 18 weeks I left the scan feeling like I had nothing to look forward to now. My pregnancy had been so different and I desperately wanted a little girl. When we walked out of the scan room my OH just said sorry and that set me off.
I spent days on end crying only to end up with my husband just telling me to get rid of it then! He couldn't understand why I was so upset.
All the excitement had gone, I didn't need to go shopping for anything at all which I felt was all part of the experience of having a baby (along with all the kicks etc of course). Some days I would be OK about it then others I would just spend my days in tears. I couldn't even look at girls clothes without feeling mad or upset.
Then at 30 weeks OHs sister who I don't see eye to eye with finds out she's having a girls and my whole world seemed to come crashing down again. I knew that once this happened his family wouldn't care about my baby as much and it happened and is still happening now before her child gets here.
When my son was born I was ok for a few days until I saw the way everyone was with him and I felt like crap all over again.

Please don't confuse my disappointment with me not loving him because I do, very much so. I just can't get over this. He's been a horrible sleeper, hard to settle and we've had so many more issues than my first and I can't help but feel like this is my punishment.
It hurts so much, especially when people you don't know say things like 'oh I feel sorry for mum, those 3 will always be doing things together while your sat at home'!
All the relationships I have seen between mothers and sons either have them living miles apart and barely talking or very estranged. This is something else that leaves me upset because I feel like that once they've left the home that's it and I won't see that much of them.

We always said we wanted more than two children but now I've got 2 boys and I'm absolutely positive I can't cope with a third since I'm struggling with 2.

I thought it would all go away once he was born and it hasn't. Please can someone tell me how I can get past this.

PlatoTheGreat Sun 19-Jun-16 13:18:40

I have been in the same place. And the same disappointment when dc2 was born.

The only thing I can say is that time heals.
And to remember love is a verb. Carry on loving that child, don't associate whatever problems yoou have with him with the fact it's a boy (That child is likely to have even a poor sleeper etc... If it had been a girl!). The more you act with love towards him, the more you will love him and his gender will not matter.

Fwiw, in the long run, having two boys was the best thing that could have happened. We are all very close, they were very bet friends (with fights but still) since they were little and it has carried on throughout childhood and teenagehood.
Being boys they could share things/games better than boy and girl etc...

lilydaisyrose Sun 19-Jun-16 13:29:02

I had this but already had a girl. I desperately wanted a sister for her and had a baby boy when she was 22 months. I loved him but still felt a deep sense of loss at what I didn't have. Now he's 7 and absolutely the light of my life (along with his sister of course!). He's perfect and I can't imagine life without him. It took me a while to grieve for what I had wanted so much, but now it never crosses my mind. I'm now pregnant with no. 3 and will be over the moon with either sex.

I think 7w in as a Mum of two and with postnatal hormones and sleep deprivation, it may be too early to be saying no more. Why don't you review in a year when everything has calmed down?? X

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sun 19-Jun-16 13:32:23

I'm so glad no one has blamed you (that's meant to be 'flamed' but perhaps 'blamed' is more apt.)

I honestly would not worry too much about the future (I need to take this advice myself!) and take each day as it comes for a bit. In my experience it seems to be that the sex is SO important in the pregnancy and at the baby stage but later as 'personality' becomes more dominant, it matters less. flowers

noeuf Sun 19-Jun-16 13:35:11

It's probably helpful to acknowledge your feelings and not try to talk you out of them.

I felt the same with number four. Now I can't imagine having girls (I have one and three boys) but I think this comes with time as you move away from the cutesy dresses and little toys and they start to choose for themselves.

Batboobs Sun 19-Jun-16 13:38:36

I've experienced the same thing, after finding out I am expecting my third boy. I didn't want another boy, and in all honesty had many thoughts about ending the pregnancy.

It really is a horrible thing to deal with, and isn't something I can discuss with my partner as he gets deeply offended! That said ultimately what I want is a healthy baby.

I think in my case it has a lot to do with my own background, I was an only child with no cousins my own age and always wanted a sister, I was very lonely. I think counselling would help, perhaps it's something you could look into also. It can definitely be a case of the 'grass is greener' as people do have stereotypical views about boy/girl behaviour and relationship, but very often it's their personalities which make all the difference.

DiggersRest Sun 19-Jun-16 13:42:51

You have been so honest OP and l really hope it works out for you flowers

I would recommend counselling. I had some counselling along with hypnotherapy for a bad birth with dd1 and l struggled to bond with her. It was amazing and worked.

I felt relieved l was having the same sex again as l didn't want to buy new stuff, l wanted, l think, to recreate what l had with dd1.

As pp said, 7 weeks in it's a total slog and hormones will be everywhere, don't be hard on yourself, you know you love ds2, it's just not how you had imagined the second time.

needanewjob Sun 19-Jun-16 13:43:47

I'm sorry you feel like this and equally sorry that the reactions of those around are only confirming the feelings of disappointment. I'm glad you acknowledge your love for your little boy as I'm sure that will only grow with him.

I feel like gender disappointment is always linked to people wanting girls and getting boys. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with our society where it's seen as 'better' to have a girl than a boy?

Strokethefurrywall Sun 19-Jun-16 13:52:50

I understand where you're coming from.
We found out that DS2 was a boy and I did cry and it took me a while to analyze my feelings as to why I wasn't overjoyed.
And I realised it wasn't that I was sad I was having another boy, how could I be, my first is amazing!
No it was because I would never experience raising a daughter. I was deeply disappointed that I wouldn't have the same mother/daughter bond I have with my own mum and that made me sad.
It makes it confusing because we feel guilt that maybe it means we don't love a son as much but that isn't the truth at all.
It's a grief for a relationship with a daughter that we'd perhaps envisaged. And that's ok. But realizing they're separate is the key.
I wasn't disappointed I was having another boy, I was grieving for the relationship with a daughter that I'd never had.
I'll be honest, if I ever would have a 3rd I'd love another boy!! Isn't it funny how the mind works? My 2 boys are just brilliantly wonderful little humans. To add another son to the mix would be the icing on the cake!

It passes OP it really does. Now they're 4 and 2 watching their relationship is amazing. They're brothers, they love each other to the ends of the world.

user1466337901 Sun 19-Jun-16 14:00:15

Thank you everyone for being so kind! I know it is very early to say no more but right now I just can't imagine feeling like this again. Not having easy births probably has some to do with it too.
It helps to see some of you have also struggled and got past it and I hope that in time I can do the same.
I haven't spoken to my doctor or health visitor about this particular issue because I'm so ashamed to say the words out loud. My health visitor knows I've had some good and bad days but right now she's just putting it down to lack of sleep etc. I know I should be more honest but i know it will come out all wrong and feel like I'll just make people angry at me for it like my OH was the one time we discussed it.
Thank you again for such kind words

houseeveryweekend Sun 19-Jun-16 14:07:11

This is really normal you are just very anxious by the sounds of it. Youve got lots of time to come to terms with the idea he is a boy. When hes born youll know that no two babies are the same regardless of their gender. I was the same when id really believed my baby was a girl throughout my pregnancy and when i found out it was a boy i sort of felt like id lost that girl (id even named her which wasnt a good idea!) it was sort of like grief i found myself crying thinking of her like she was someone who died!!! I think your hormones make you extra emotional during pregnancy and everything is heightened. I look back and think how silly i was now and i really love my LB. I do think you should talk to your midwife or health visitor about how you feel, they wont be shocked because many many women go through this they will probably have seen it before and will be able to help you feel better. xxx

Mermaidmagic Sun 19-Jun-16 14:36:09

I've experienced This with DS 2.he's 3 months now. I found out at 16 weeks (on my own, I paid for a private gender scan) and cried when I found out. I had thoughts about ending the pregnancy. I didn't, but like you I couldn't look at girls clothes, or anything for girls. I had a son, I was desperate for a girl, I didn't feel like I could love another boy. my best friend and two sister in laws have recently had girls. I'm sick of everyone's comments about 'oh had you hoped for a girl' or 'oh another boy, we need more girls in the family' etc. I've always dreamed of having a daughter. Tbh if DS1 had have been a girl I wouldn't have had another. I know it sounds awful.

To be honest I don't feel like I've bonded with Ds2 yet. I've been really down since his birth and haven't felt like doing anything at all. I just want to cry all the time.

outputgap Sun 19-Jun-16 14:46:08

Oh Mermaid. Bless you. Have you told anyone how low you are feeling? It sounds very like pnd. You deserve some help with it, my love.

Mermaidmagic Sun 19-Jun-16 14:59:48

Output- I feel extremely guilty that I feel like this. I realise it's not my sons fault. My partner knows how I am feeling to a degree. We kept the sex of my son a secret from everyone else until he was born. I couldn't cope with any comments whilst I was pregnant, so we made out as though we didn't know what we were having. It probably made things worse as everyone was convinced I was having a girl.

Everyone gets what they are given. This is more than likely our last child which makes things even more difficult. DS is a really difficult baby, he naps for an hour in the day and just constantly screams for 3-4 hours.

user1466337901 Sun 19-Jun-16 15:14:30

Mermaid, your experience really does sound so much like mine. We told everyone we didn't know what we were having to because like you I didn't want all the comments about it before he was born.

Mermaidmagic Sun 19-Jun-16 15:40:02

User- I know how you feel about having another child. Part of me would love to try again to see if we could conceive a girl, but I've insisted DS2 is our last because I couldn't cope with another gender disappointment.

noeuf Sun 19-Jun-16 17:31:44

It didn't help that someone came to visit, held the baby and said what a shame, boys grow up and leave their mothers.

Chrisinthemorning Sun 19-Jun-16 17:36:02

I cried and cried when DS was born, I wanted a girl. Despite IVF and losses- it wasn't rational.
I love him more than anything. If he were a girl he wouldn't be my darling, bonkers, irreplaceable DS.
I think as babies one is very much like another so gender is all you can see. As they grow up you love the person, not the gender and it ceases to matter as much.
I would have loved a girl to dress etc but I wouldn't swap him for a girl for anything and I wouldn't have another either because infertility, pregnancy etc is a hell I can't enter again.

Chrisinthemorning Sun 19-Jun-16 17:36:51

Can you tell my MIL boys grow up and leave their mothers? grin

wombattoo Sun 19-Jun-16 17:49:37

My DS is 34. I wish someone would tell him that he doesn't need to ring and text me constantly grin

outputgap Sun 19-Jun-16 21:38:46

Mermaid, could you tell your hv or gp about feeling low, even if you don't feel up to telling them why?

It just does sound very like pnd to my untrained ear. And I'd love you to get some help with it because neither you or user deserve to feel that miserable.

outputgap Sun 19-Jun-16 21:41:28

User, I have an 11 week old, and at 7 weeks felt absolutely awful. I think around 7 weeks seems to be a key time for post natal anxiety and depression. Honestly, whatever particular thing is going on in your head, you deserve support and help.

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