Forgiveness

[Neuro]

Anyone on here had experience of forgiving an awful, violent, alcoholic parent?

I am in process of forgiving my father, but it's brought about very uncomfortable upset feelings in rest of my family. I felt great about being to forgive my dad, but i now feel awful on sensing rest of my family's pain.

I am training to be a counsellor and am also a fledgling Buddhist. My family cannot forgive my father, but otherwise are very nice, kind, peaceloving people.

My father was a very very bad, cruel person.

I am not religious in the sense that i cannot bring myself to worship a god, but I do respect the world and believe spirituality is very important.

I have forgiven my father so i can move on myself and not be stuck in a painful place. I have asked him by letter only very recently if he feels remorse or the need to apologise to his family and make restitution. It is too early to expect a response.

Part of me is hoping he is not apologetic and feels no remorse so that i can keep him at arms length and have only miniscule contact - this is better than having no contact at all as i have fear surrounding his death, when it happens and am trying to alleviate my fears now.

Any advice?

Thanks

[loopylou6]

what a great person u are, if thatw as me, even if he gave a big long winded apology i would STILL keep him at arms lengh, tell him u forgive him but u still need your space, thatw ay u can indeed be in contact with him, but on your terms...good luck to you

[donnie]

being able to forgive something like this is remarkable IMO - I speak as someone who finds it hard to forgive but tries. There is no reason why you should resume contact with your father even if he does show remorse - that would be part of the price he has to pay for his cruelty I would see. Forgiving him and maintaining a distance are entirely compatible. As regards your other family members:you cannot shoulder it although of course you are very aware of it. They will deal with things on their own way. Good luck.

[Neuro]

Thank you.

[startouchedtrinity]

No, I don't have experience of forgiving a parent but I wanted to add my support. I think forgiveness is needed far more by the person who forgives than the person who is forgiven, b/c when you forgive it is then that the person who has hurt you no longer has a hold on you.

I keep recommending this book on here - I've found a really good book called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It's about questioning our thoughts about people, relationships, ourselves, even world situations. A lot of it is dialogue between the author and people she is helping to question their thoughts. Parent/child relationships feature (including an abusive one) so maybe this book might be of use to you on your joureny - it has certainly changed how I see things. Strangely enough I've gone on to read more of Byron Katie's books and found her ideas rooted in the Tao Te Ching, so I am now starting out on a Taoist/Buddhist path myself!

As has already been said, your family are on their own journey. It must be hard for you.

Wishing you well.

[Makingdo]

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